Impact Wrestling’s “Rebellion” Results and Review: What a Wonderful World… Armstrong or Ramone’s version?

I’m a master of strange titles, aren’t I? Before I start, this review was written under the influence of painkillers and an enigmatic neckbrace… Don’t say you didn’t know…
To be honest, Rebellion has really seemed to come out of nowhere, in many ways, until the very last seconds… If you’re fellow readers of my weekly reviews, you know how things went not exactly the way they were supposed to be, to come to where we are right now. I already gave you a lot of clues in my preview piece, that you can still read here, so you know what my expectations are, but also my fears. After the success of Homecoming, was Impact Wrestling able to do as good, if not better, than its first PPV of 2019?
My classic PPV review sentence, how many “I told you” and “I saw it coming” will you read below? It’s time to find it out, but your French Nygma Steph way…

So nutcracking… 

– LAX vs. The Lucha Brothers
I told you it would be the match of the night. Being out of words is possible… LAX and Lucha Brothers left the wrestling world out of words yesterday night. They did the main-event, something unusual for a tag team match. And when you thought they did everything possible, the explode new standards. I told you the win was on the side of LAX, for clear reasons. But to become 4-time Impact World Tag Team Champions, they put more than their bodies on the line… They left their souls in a ring that looked like a mess…

Konnan was at ringside but didn’t interfere. He just gave his guys some forks… I don’t know how to describe you this marvel of high-flying hardcore match. There were double team moves, suicide dives, topes, powerbomb, a superkick party, the Fear Factor double stomp combo, a Street Sweeper… There were some tables, chairs, trashcans, cookie sheet, ladders, and thumbtacks…
When Penta poured them out on the table, he didn’t imagine he would be the one who would taste them. Santana laid Penta on the tables. He climbed the ladder, Pentagon joined him and they brawled on top of the ladder. Ortiz was back and climbed, attacked Pentagon but Santana attacked with the fork. Ortiz hit the powerbomb through the tack-covered table and we had new Champions.

When I watched this match, I couldn’t help but think everyone won in this match. Wrestling in general, the wrestlers, the fans… The accolade that was given by a part of the Impact roster, and former Knockouts Champion Taylor Wilde herself, when they came to the ring to congratulate LAX and The Lucha Brothers, was wonderful to watch. No one lost in this match… Even if maybe one man won a lot yesterday night… Konnan has been the man behind all of this, he helped these 4 guys, he trained them, what a great job he made. Muchas Gracias, mi amigo Konnan… Forever and ever, ¡Hasta la Muerte y Después!

– Tessa Blanchard vs. Gail Kim
I didn’t see it coming. Gail Kim was telling me the day before the PPV she was coming out of retirement to teach Tessa a lesson. But it was not the one we were expecting. Kim’s husband was there and Tessa’s father was there too. They went face to face, talking shit and Tessa attacked with strikes. Kim played it old-school with the posted figure-four leg lock, a move I terribly miss… Even if, later in the match, Kim slapped Tessa, Tessa continued her spoiled-brat game. Gail Kim really gave it all in this match, but Tessa was slightly above. The Magnum connected when the Eat Defeat was unable to, and the straight jacket made Kim tap clean.

And suddenly something changed. Tessa came to see her Dad and a new woman entered the ring. She saw Gail Kim laying and decided not to chastise her. She gave her hand to Kim who hugged her. Tessa burst into tears and left the last word to Gail Kim… Tessa Blanchard still has a lot to learn but yesterday Gail Kim, probably one of the best female wrestlers of all time, acknowledged her time was over but Tessa’s time was now. I desperately wish the old Tessa is now a character we can forget. To honour a name, a family and the art wrestling is, we don’t need a woman driven by her temper tantrums, but a strong wrestler…

– Impact X-Division Title match: Sami Callihan vs. Rich Swann
I told you Rich Swann would have to cross the line to defeat Callihan. Like they say, to be the man, you have to beat the man. In his quest of freedom, Swann played an uneasy hardcore game and prevailed. Callihan was able to have what he begged for and this match became an oVe Rules match. And he was caught in his own trap. A trap made of a staple gun, trashcan, cookie sheet, chairs, tables, ladders, a wet floor caution sign, LEGO©, and a barbed-wire bat. To see Callihan beg for mercy in front of Swann proudly ready to use the bat on him was unusual. But Swann hit him anyway and locked on a crossface with the barbed wire bat and Sami tapped. 

Callihan has been one of Impact Wrestling’s biggest acquisitions, he is the show. This storyline with Swann, like the one he had before with Penta, was unpredictable, hardcore and really tough, from a human standpoint. It’s time for him to target the World Championship because he earned it. When I watch Swann wrestling, I want to thank him for not retiring last year… We would have missed so many magic moments… 

Impact Plus! is coming…

Smelled like nutcracking…

– 6-Man with Moose
I told you this match was coming out of nowhere and that obviously made it slightly under the other matches. I was wrong because this match was outstanding. The 3 young kids were taught a lesson yesterday by 3 experienced men. The mix between a more classic style and the high-flying, fast-paced way The Rascalz represent matched perfectly. Moose left the top of the card to help The Rascalz find their way through the Impact Zone and he has done a tremendous job ever since. I would never say enough good things about Ethan Page, but the chemistry he has with Josh Alexander makes them serious contenders for the Tag Team titles. Really good surprise…

– Impact World Title match: Johnny Impact vs. Brian Cage
The match started pretty well, until this Spanish Fly and Brian Cage being hurt. That’s quite sad because ever since these two started to brawl, we’ve never had the chance to see a real, fair and good match between them. No one was screwed, Lance Storm did the ref job perfectly, but the match started to fade the moment after Cage was hurt. I don’t know he was able to finish the match due to the fact his arsenal is mostly made of lifting moves, but he did it. And he prevailed.

– Impact Knockouts Title Match: Taya Valkyrie vs Jordynne Grace
I’m sorry to say it, but Taya was slightly better yesterday night. Slightly, because Jordynne Grace was really at her best. No interferences in the match, no desire to have a count-out or DQ, Taya fought hard, unleashed la Wera Loca when she attacked Grace’s arm and ankle. Unlike her husband, Taya retained, but Jordynne Grace proved one more time she has everything to become Knockouts Champion very soon…

See you on July 7th, in Dallas…

Could have been nutcracking… (if they didn’t come out of anywhere)

– X-Division 6-Man Scramble
The X-Division is quite always the opening match of an Impact Wrestling PPV. That doesn’t mean it has to be taken for granted… Ace Austin, Aiden Prince, Cody Deaner, Petey Williams, Eddie Edwards and Jake Crist were given 5 minutes to open the show… It was good but, of course, it was too short… They could have stolen the show, instead, they were given a little space to make the show… Sad…

– Rohit Raju vs Scarlett Bordeaux
Another match announced the day of the PPV… This time, Raju agreed to compete and the 5 minutes of this match were the perfect demonstration a woman can do it against a man. Bordeaux is mastering her game, unveiled a large repertoire of moves, from Lucha Libre to classic mat wrestling. There was nothing of the blonde bombshell cliché in the woman I saw tonight, but a talented wrestler who nutcracked the face of defiance… and Raju’s Jewels of the Crown…

To be eNYGMAtic…

I love this sentence, but I’m sorry to say that I told you that I saw it coming… Rebellion may have been quite predictable, it was a great PPV. It was a wonderful world for some, the Armstrong way, soft and plaintive, or violent and grainy the Joey Ramone way…
Again, LAX, Pentagon and Fénix tore the house down. In fact, they stole the show. The whole locker room expressed more than anyone would have ever done the gratitude we can have for these Luchadores and the best of them all, Konnan.
Cage is finally the Champion, but we had reasons to fear when he was rushed to the hospital after his match. Luckily, he’s fine, he will be back very soon and be the Champion he’s been looking forward to becoming.
Tessa hugging Gail was unexpected. I don’t see it as a passing of the torch, because for me Tessa will always have more to prove than any other wrestler of the Knockouts roster, because of her name. Kudos to Scarlett for showing intergender wrestling earned its spot in an Impact PPV.
But at the same time, this PPV made me cringe… Impact Wrestling has a lot to learn about moving forward. No, in fact, tons of things. This PPV was great action-wise but, holy cow, why making us wait for so long to come to that point, creating unnecessary danger, and adding new pieces on an already-stacked chess board?
When I saw Michael Elgin make his way to the ring, I thought about Moose, Killer Kross, Eddie Edwards or Sami Callihan who would be pulled back at the end of the line of World Championship natural contenders, despite everything they’ve been giving in the Impact Zone. And that’s unfair.
As I’m writing, Impact Wrestling is about to tap new episodes and the weekly reviewer I am is asking herself a lot of questions… My neck may be hurting, my wrestling soul is also aching… Love hurts, doesn’t it? 

Rebellion Full Results:

* X-Division 6-Man Scramble Match: Ace Austin defeated Petey Williams, Jake Crist, Aiden Prince, Jake Deaner and Eddie Edwards
* Intergender Match: Scarlett Bordeaux w/ Fallah Bahh defeated Rohit Raju w/Gama Singh and Raj Singh
* 6-Man Team Match: Moose & The North (Josh Alexander & All Ego Ethan Page) defeated The Rascalz (Zachary Wentz, Trey Miguel & Dezmond Xavier)
* Impact Knockouts Championship Match: Taya Valkyrie (c) defeated Jordynne Grace
oVe Rules Match for the Impact X-Division Championship: Rich Swann (c) defeated Sami Callihan
* Knockouts Match: Tessa Blanchard defeated Gail Kim
Impact World Championship Match, with Lance Storm as Special Guest referee: Cage defeated Johnny Impact  (c)w/ Taya Valkyrie and John E. Bravo
Full Metal Mayhem Match for the Impact World Tag Team Championship: LAX (Santana & Ortiz) w/ Konnan defeated The Lucha Bros (Pentagon Jr. & Fénix) (c)

All pics, screenshots and videos courtesy of Impact Wrestling. Photomontage custom made by @frenchnygma exclusively for @steelchairmag @VultureHoundMag.

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