The Heel Turn Wrestling & Comedy Club – From The Impact Zone – March 15th, 2019

Finally, this week, the rematch of Homecoming we were all expecting is going to happen. Brian Cage will have another chance to grab the Impact World Championship out of Johnny Impact’s hands. But a little bird is telling me there’s something rotten in the making. We’ll see if I’m right later…
Also on the menu of this week’s new Las Vegas episode, Eli Drake and Eddie Edwards will team up against The Desi Hit Squad, Tessa Blanchard will face off Jordynne Grace for the #1 contendership for the Knockouts Championship. Tommy Dreamer, The Mack and X-Division Champion Rich Swann will square off with oVe. Fallah Bahh and KM will try to shut up Reno Scum. And Glenn Gilbertti will show us an exhibition of his skills…  
So, no more words, let’s get ready for some action, but your French Enygma Steph way, of course…

The Nygma’s Chart of the Week

  • Sami Callihan, Jake & Dave Crist defeated Willie Mack, Impact X-Division Champion Rich Swann, & Tommy Dreamer.
  • Backstage, Brian Cage confronted Johnny Impact and asked him if he’s ready for tonight. Impact replied with, “Just make sure you’re ready.”
  • “70s Show” pot smoking parody with The Rascalz and Moose. They joked, but Moose, Trey, Wentz and Dez didn’t really have the same sense of humour…
  • Glenn Gilbertti came to the ring and demanded to be sent out a clown. He got Kikutaro.
  • Glenn Gilbertti defeated Kikutaro.

  • Backstage, Taya Valkyrie said that she was not worried about the #1 Contendership Match for her Knockout’s Title, she was more concerned about Johnny’s neck issues and his title match tonight.
  • Fallah Bahh & KM defeated Reno Scum.
  • Backstage, Konnan came up to the Lucha Brothers and reminded them that he “told them” that they will get a rematch. Penta said “Cero Miedo!” and shoved his hand in Konnan’s face as he left. 
  • Back from the break, LAX met up with Konnan, who told them that it’s on. He said that his sons have disrespected him and he wanted the Street Fight rematch to happen between LAX and the Lucha Bros. Ortiz yelled about how the Lucha Brothers were going to get it.
  • Jordynne Grace defeated Tessa Blanchard to become the new #1 Contender for the Impact Knockouts Championship. After the match, Blanchard attacked the referee and the bell ringer. Gail Kim ran to the ring and attacked Blanchard. She hit a jumping elbow drop, causing Blanchard to retreat from the ring and up the ramp.

  • Backstage, Tessa was yelling at Scott D’Amore about Gail Kim attacking her in the ring. Kim came running up and the two went at it again, yelling in one another’s faces. Scott told Gail that she’s suspended for a week because she was supposed to be an office hand and she attacked a competitor.
  • Backstage, Rosemary was with Allie, reminding her of the many times that she has lost her to the darkness. Allie asked Rosemary why she kept trying if the bunny is dead after Rosemary left her. Rosemary said that she warned her to not let the darkness consume her, but she didn’t listen. Allie thought it’s funny because Rosemary looks pathetic. This prompted Rosemary to ask “where’s the rest of her” as she exited.
  • The oVe Creepy Cam saw Callihan reminding Swann about all of the significant things he has said to him. He told him that he threw it all away and messed up the plan for the group, and now they had to do it the hard way. Sami told Swann that it starts next week when he takes his X-Division Championship.
  • Eddie Edwards & Eli Drake defeated The Desi Hit Squad (Rohit Raju & Raj Singh w/ Gama Singh). Eli gave Kenny to Eddie to finish Raju.

  • Johnny Impact vs Brian Cage never happened as Killer Kross appeared at the top of the ramp with an unconscious Johnny Impact over his shoulder and a cinder block in his hand. Security and backstage personnel try to stop him but he placed the concrete cinder block against Impact’s neck.

Taya Valkyrie and Brian Cage appeared at the top of the ramp but Cage wasn’t convinced to help. Taya ran down and shielded Impact with her body. Valkyrie gave Kross a right. He nearly retaliated, but Cage came down to help and hit a superkick, a clothesline, and then attacked Kross with the chair.

Taya looked like she was going to hug Brian Cage, but after the hug, she hit the Nutcracker on Cage and Johnny suddenly nipped up. Johnny attacked Cage and delivered a Shining Wizard to the face. He placed the concrete cinderblock against Cage’s head and slammed the steel chair against it, forcing it as far into his head as possible. The married duo posed in the ring as Killer Kross stood on the outside, smiling.

The Nygma’s Nutcracker(s) of the Week

– oVe (Sami Callihan and Dave & Jake Crist) vs. Willie Mack, Tommy Dreamer & X-Division Champion Rich Swann
This storyline is about Sami and Rich. Until we’re finally able to watch this match, they drown the fish, sorry cloud the issue with a 6-Man match like this…
The match started out with all 6 men in the centre of the ring attacking. It came down to Swann and Callihan, with a hurricanrana from Swann that sent Callihan to the outside. Callihan and Dreamer now in, Callihan hit a knee in the face of Dreamer. Jake was tagged in but ate an arm drag when he charged Dreamer. He focused on the arm and tagged in Swann, who connected with a double axe-handle off the top rope to Jake’s arm. Mack in with a double stomp to Jake’s arm as well. Dreamer also hit a double axe-handle of his own. Dave got tagged in as Jake dodged Dreamer. He kept control with clotheslines, attacking Dreamer’s neck. Callihan kicked Dreamer in the face and tagged himself in. Callihan connected with an elbow drop, a headlock, but missed the piledriver. Dreamer turned it into a slingshot and he then tagged in Mack. Mack took out both Crist brothers on the ring and hit a spinning heel kick to Callihan’s chin. Willie connected with a Samoan drop and a Standing Moonsault.

Swann in connected with a rolling thunder splash. Dreamer back in hit a signature elbow drop. Mack came off the ropes with a corkscrew plancha, followed by a Phoenix splash from Swann to the Crists. Dreamer then gave oVe some right hands and a somersault senton off the ring apron. Back inside the ring, Swann came off the top but Callihan was ready and Swann ate a boot to the face in mid-air. Back from commercials, Callihan was still in control and had Swann stuck in a seated chin lock. Swann retaliated with strikes to Callihan’s abdomen, but as he comes off the ropes, he ate a hard forearm. Jake, back in, put Swann in a butterfly submission hold. He tagged in Dave who hit a dropkick on Rich. Dave put Swann in an ankle hold but Rich reached the bottom rope quickly. Dave and Rich rocked one another with simultaneous kicks to their legs. Swann struggled but was able to finally tag in Dreamer.

Tommy started taking out every member of oVe with clotheslines, rights, and his roll-up, bionic elbow. Callihan spat in Tommy’s face but he ate it and gave Sami a cutter. Callihan bit at Tommy’s hand to avoid the Dreamer DDT. Jake came in and had an exchange with Mack that was interrupted by Swann. Dave took Swann out but ate a Dreamer DDT. oVe attacked Dreamer in the corner, but somehow, Dreamer got the best of them and dropped Jake Crist face-first into his brother, followed by a reverse STO to Sami. Mack connected with a Senton splash in the corner on oVe, then hit Jake with a frog splash off the top rope as Swann was doing the same to Dave. Dreamer followed with a frog splash to Callihan. Dreamer went for his finishing driver but Sami applied the Nutbreaker (penis claw) and hit his piledriver for the win. One word, unusual… 

– Number One Contender for the Knockouts Championship Match: Jordynne Grace vs. Tessa Blanchard
I’m not casual with the fact of putting Knockouts match in the weekly Nutcrackers, but this match was very good. And really earned its place in the Nutcracking land…
Grace attacked with a stiff headlock. Blanchard replied with punches to the abdomen and a shoulder block attempt but, instead, Grace sent Blanchard in the strawberries, sorry knocked down Tessa with a shoulder block. Jordynne then connected with a running clothesline on a seated Blanchard, a jackhammer, and multiple Irish whips into the corner turnbuckles. Blanchard used the referee as a shield and then hit forearms in Grace’s face. Blanchard unloaded forearms, dragged Jordynne’s face across the top rope and chopped away at her. Blanchard kicked Grace and hit the codebreaker off the middle turnbuckle in the corner. Blanchard started to lose her cool.

Grace took advantage of the moment and caught Blanchard in a spinebuster. Back from commercial, Grace gave Tessa a body slam, but she instantly got up and the two exchanged forearms. Grace connected with a Michinoku Driver and tossed Tessa into the turnbuckles, before setting her up on the top rope. Grace went for attempts a muscle buster but got planted on her head instead. Blanchard was seething as she rammed Grace’s head into the mat. Jordynne tossed Tessa off the top rope. The two proceeded with a series of reversals, but Grace managed to catch Blanchard in the Grace Driver for the win. 

– The Desi Hit Squad vs Eli Drake & Eddie Edwards
Kenny proved he was able to drive people crazy, just because of him? Tonight could he be able to build a family around it? Poor little bamboo thing…
Edwards and Raj started things on, as Eddie hit Singh with elbows and chops. Eddie unloaded a swift back elbow and a headbutt before Drake was tagged in. Singh threw some shots at the face of Drake just before he tagged in Rohit. Rohit connected with multiple boots to Drake in the corner, but Eli still came back with a neckbreaker and some boots. Edwards in, Rohit managed to give him a boot to the face. The Squad teamed up to give Edwards a flapjack and a running knee to regain control. Raj attacked the neck of Edwards with multiple elbows.

He tried to follow up with a running attack in the corner but instead, he ate a boot to the face. Raj connected with a codebreaker, tagged in Rohit, and the two teamed up on Eddie in their corner. Edwards got some chops, Raj strangled his eyes and hit a cheap shot from the apron. Rohit followed things up in the corner but Drake was tired of waiting to be in the match. He rushed in and gave the Squad a double DDT and clothesline. The referee forced Drake out of the ring but a distraction from Gama Singh allowed Edwards to wack Rohit in the face with Kenny, sent by Drake, for the win. 

The not-Nygma’s Moment(s) of the Week (or the Nygma’s Broken Record Moment of the Week)

Glenn Gilbertti hitting The Village People’s Elbow… Tommy Dreamer and Sami Callihan playing ‘spit on me, I’ll swallow your spit”… The nutbreaker from Callihan on Dreamer (with all the respect due to Joey Ryan, I can say Penis Claw, but never Penis Lock)… Moose in the Rascalz Pot Parody, smashing everyone… Was it Impact, or something in between the Monty Python and the Benny Hill show?! I know I’m super tired, but I have some real difficulties to understand…

The Nygma’s Award of the Week

– Johnny Impact/ Taya Valkyrie/ Killer Kross
Killer Kross knew this heel turn would come, I’m sure, way before Johnny started to think about it. Cage was trapped into a plan he couldn’t be aware of, and a trap that could definitely lead him to the top. There’s no better way to build a Champion than to make him look like an outsider…
Don Callis may have called Johnny “a piece of garbage”, what happened this week had been under everyone’s nose for a few weeks now. Killer, Taya and Johnny have known each other for years, they can predict what the other will do before he does. I tend to think Jordynne Grace will be the next one to pay the price of this stable of Doom.

– The Rascalz & Moose
They really reach new heights this week… Watch…

– Kenny
With Eli and Eddie now friends, this nice little Kenny found his family back. How a kendo stick can make people befriend and become tag team partners? It’s just pure Kenny magic… I can feel the tear rolling on my check…
A little bit more seriously, Eli and Eddie definitely have the potential to tear the Tag Team division down. I would prefer seeing them chasing the World Championship on their own. But beggars can’t be choosers…

To be eNYGMAtic…

What to say of this week’s episode… Some action there was, some cinematic moments too, a big heel turn, but there was a huge bag of goofy and useless moments… And honestly, I didn’t like that at all… How can you appreciate a great Knockout match after a man ate the spit of another? I may love hardcore wrestling, that was way beyond my tolerance level…
It was as if a guy made fall both the tapes of Impact and a parodic show, and the tapes mashed up into one… Which explains my feeling of “Impact Wrestling meets the Monty Python (sit on my face… spit on my face… sorry…) meets The Benny Hill Show.” Do we move forward this week? I think I don’t have to give you my opinion on that, you already know…
O
n this very “I missed the Disco and I can’t make it” note, until next week, never EVER forget to stay #eNYGMAtic…

All pics, videos, and screenshots courtesy of Impact Wrestling. Photomontage by @frenchnygma exclusively for @vulturehoundmag and @steelchairmag.

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