Parched of thirst in search of an oasis of entertainment all I could see was desert.

Trillions of granules of sand roll across the landscape collecting in dunes of Great Indian Railways, contorted faces of Merry Berry, Phil and Kirsty smugly smiling at me through the window frames of their mortgage free homes, and one of the sand dunes was in the shape of a documentary about hotel lobbys…

It really has been a dour week of terrestrial television.

I’ve had nowhere to go other than to watch dressed up documentaries about the most mundane jobs in the world (Amazing Hotels And Life Beyond The Lobby). PR boards for the Windsors (The Queen Her Commonwealth Story). Or Noel Fitzpatrick telling some poor punter they need to re-mortgage their house in order to save their goldfish which has developed the inability to breath under water.

Wasn’t it just a couple of weeks ago I was watching the brilliant McMafia followed by David Hare’s Collateral followed by the brooding and cool Comoran Strike?

Now my horse is refusing to move and there’s a burning sensation coming from the back of my neck that goes beyond a reviving feeling of warmth as I search for the next palm tree to find shade under.

Television is a fickle thing full of perfectly manicured presenters smiling whilst trying to sell you the dream of their lives. And I buy it! Polythene bag loads of it!

But when the tap is suddenly switched off and Granville flips the open sign to close the customer is left with a reeling sense of neglect at the speed with which the heroin inducing lover moved on.

My horizon is bleak and dehydrated hallucinations are forming images of bookcases full of books and front doors that lead to who knows where…

Perhaps Channel 4 can save me from these insidious aberrations with new drama Kiss Me First. created by the makers of Skins.

There’s also a new Marple, which aired over Easter. Ordeal Of Innocence is fresh off the cutting room floor free of the salacious hands of Ed Westwick.

Apart from that summer suggests going outside. However I resist. Clinging to my god that is a 32 inch Samsung un-smart television that if I keep worshipping will bring me bounty’s of escapism to get me through the mundanity of my reality.

Kiss Me First- VR drama about Leila who discovers a secret paradise in her favourite video game. Paradise until members of the virtual world begin to go missing in real life. Debuted 2nd April 10pm Channel 4, catch up on 4 Catch up. 

Ordeal of Innocence  – The Argylls, headed by Bill Nighy, are trying to move on from the brutal murder of their mother and the conviction of her adopted son for the crime. But as new information emerges, is he guilty after all? Catch up on the first episode on BBC iPlayer.