Cutting steel sheets was the commonly thought of meaning of my existence until I rediscovered X Files. Lying in a shockingly small single hotel bed, sharing a room with the world famous P*** C*******, flicking through no-satellite TV, I stumbled on the new series of X Files on Channel Five.

That, the return of Strike, the new series of Top Gear, and the end of a fantastic Winter Olympics, makes for a momentous week in TV.

Strike- Career Of Evil
Robert Galbraith is a woman who spends most of her time writing about a googly-eyed freak who goes to a boarding school for witches and wizards.

But when she’s not doing that JK Rowling’s writing about Cormoran Strike, the series having returned to our screens this Sunday.

It’s a show about a miserly, one-legged, chain smoking, junk food eating, former military police officer turned private investigator, who skulks around London searching for leads to investigations that include unfaithful partners, embezzling executives, and missing cats thought to be sitting up trees.

This week Strike has to contend with a vicious woman killer with a vengeful and vehement hatred for the opposite sex.

His trusted and useless side-kick Robin Ellacott is along for the ride. Even though she’s uselessly split up with her useless boyfriend, who hates Strike, for the fact he has to pay the heating bill in their one bedroom flat solely on his own because Strike’s being so tight he’s not even paying his sidekick/secretary the London weighting wage.

In the season finale expect an explosive meeting asking for a raise, along with catching the most cold hearted killer of women thrown in on the side.

Top Gear
Matt Le Blanc, Chris Harris and Rory Reid are back! Testing out and giving advice on cars you will never be able to afford.

Even though the three vultures of old have flown to new and greener oasis’s in the TV desert (known as the sands of Amazon Prime), the original motoring show still looks great.

And it’s actually quite funny to watch. Not because it’s funny. But because it’s fun to watch Le Blanc with a big cheesy “Joey” grin on his face as he looks at his fellow presenters who look back at him like looking at the results of a negative prostate examination, constantly wondering just how much more Le Blanc’s getting paid per episode.

This week the boys are in America testing out V8s while the star in a reasonably fast car is the sadly ever present on our screen Rob Brydon.

Brydon can also be seen in Would I Lie To You, Road Trip, Coach Trip, EastEnders, Coronation Street, Celebrity Countdown, Celebrity Big Brother, Celebrity Bake-Off, Celebrity’s We Have To Send On A One Way Mission To Mars, Saturday Kitchen, Sunday Kitchen, BBC News, Channel Four News, every news station on the planet, and probably one of the Agatha Christie dramas the BBC spends billions to produce at Christmas.

Who would have thought a seasoned veteran like Harry Jamshidian, TV reviewer extraordinaire, would have missed out on the X-Files bug.

Allow me to allow you into a secret. In its heyday (the mad fer it 90s) I was furiously discouraged to watch X-Files by my mother (who loved it by the way) because she thought it was too scary for me.

This abuse of parental power actually worked and ever since I always flick over when X-Files is coming on.

Until one snowy night sat in the middle of the Beast From The East beasting it up in Shrewsbury, lying naked in a single bed that was so narrow Papa Smurf would fall off rolling over, I stumbled on the new series of X Files, shown on Channel Five.

I never watch Channel Five, thinking it has no meaning to exist other than to catch the phlegm spat out by ITV. But Five has X Files. And it’s great. Brilliantly produced, brilliantly acted, great chemistry between Mulder and Scully, and very very funny. Outstanding TV from our cousins across the pond.

The closing ceremony of the Winter Olympics
Who would have thought I would long for wall to wall skeleton bob.

The games have been fantastic. The Koreans nailed it. Bring on Beijing. Final thought on it all- Muller Rice heated up in the micro.

By Harry Jamshidian

Daydreaming scriptwriter and part-time reviewer living in Kingston.