WWE Raw

Raw Recap 03/07/17

Ah, July 4th… A holiday(?) celebrating… something. I learned everything I know about American culture from watching wrestling and movies, so all I really know about the 4th of July is that it’s the anniversary of a failed alien invasion and that John Cena is definitely a former marine.
I’m Elliot and I watch all 3 goddamn hours of Raw so you don’t have to.

Thankfully for us Brits, WWE decided to save the overt patriotism and food fights for Smackdown Live, so instead Monday Night Raw began with everyone’s most meh roster-member, Enzo Amore coming to the ring address the crowd dressed as a Spring Break ready Hunter S. Thompson. He called Big Cass a 7-foot catchphrase that he wrote, which was kind of the only line in the 27-minute rant that meant anything.
Obviously, afterwards, the pair shared the obligatory backstage-beatdown segment.

“One of the greatest pure strikers in sports entertainment,” (according to Corey Graves), The Miz hosted yet another episode of his smash hit talk show, Miz TV. As usual, proceedings were interrupted by unscheduled guests and impromptu matches breaking out. After some meddling from Kurt Angle, the Intercontinental Champion found himself defending his title in a flash white suit (which ripped right at the bunghole) against Heath Slater. It was actually a pretty good match that ended with a Skull Crushing Finale to the challenger after some ringside distraction.

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THIS EPISODE WAS MOSTLY “OTHER SHIT”:

– Sasha Banks and Bayley beat Nia Jax and Alexa Bliss, with Sasha forcing the champ to tap out.
– Cedric Alexander defeated Naom Dar.
– I don’t know if I misheard him, but I’m pretty sure Kurt Angle said the IC title match at GBOF would be a Triple Threat between Miz, Ambrose and Heath Slater?
– Bo Dallas looked like he’s auditioning for the next Pirates of the Caribbean film.
– Seth Rollins quickly dispatched of Curt Hawkins and shouted some stuff about Bray Wyatt.
– Goldust and R Truth had a barney.
– Samoa Joe and Brock Lesnar had a little video interview thing that, like every conference call I’ve ever been on, just ended in screaming and security guards.
– Neville submitted Mustafa Ali in their bi-monthly time-filler match.

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Earlier on in the show, Cesaro requested a match with Finn Balor, and because this god damn programme routinely goes on the air with loads of time to fill, his wish was granted. As the smarks of the world collectively creamed their jeans, the pair had a pretty enjoyable contest which obviously ended in Ceasro losing after a clusterfuck of interruptions from Elias Samson, The Hardy Boyz and the hand that Mae Young gave birth to.

The night’s main event was Braun Strowman Vs. Apollo Crews… Yep. However it’s worth checking out the highlights to see Strowman’s incredible counter to Crews’ standing moonsault, followed by an onslaught of Running Powerslams.
After also making a fool of The Titus Brand, Braun was struck with the desire to answer the age-old wrestling question: Wait, who’s driving that ambulance? So, it turns out Roman Reigns is moonlighting as an ambulance driver now, although I can’t speak for if he’s always been the driver or just this once. The mystery continues… He and Braun remade that screen buckling spot from Lesnar and Joe’s segment last week before the Big Dog Speared the technically bigger dog off the edge of the stage. The night ended with an unfamiliar sight in Roman Reigns standing tall…

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