“Wow! You’ll never believe what happened on WWE Raw last night – people will be talking about this for years…” said GIVEMESPORT, the most shameful abusers of clickbaitual tactics ever recorded. That’s not me, man. I’m a real journalist in that I studied a very specific branch of journalism for a year at university before I had learned everything there was to learn. You don’t get sensationalism from me. Now, sit back on your porcelain throne and absorb my recap of the GREATEST EPISODE OF RAW EVER MADE.
You may have seen on socialised media that Kalisto and Braun Strowman were scheduled for a “Dumpster Match,” after the former Black Sheep’s antics last week involved inserting the little luchadore right into the god damn bin.
The Internet was flush with “RIP Kalisto”-esque messages, with everyone expecting Strowman to make short work of the former Lucha Dragon. So obviously, Kalisto defeated the giant, forcing him to hop into the dumpster avoiding a low kick and it was a good tortoise vs. hare-type story of good tactics overcoming the odds (there may be a better, more famous analogy for a big man vs. a little man…).
The result ignited the rage of BRAAAUUUNNNNNN, who beat the ever-loving, good lucha thing out of Raw’s newest cruiserweight. The segment climaxed with Braun locking Kalisto in the dumpster and hurling it off the edge of the stage. Yes, Fit Finlay did make a cameo.
– Matt Hardy defeated Sheamus after a shenanigan or two from Jeff Hardy and Cesaro.
– WWE very clearly and intentionally broadcasted fans with “Broken Hardys” signs.
– Austin Aries and Jack Gallagher defeated Neville and TJ Perkins.
– Bray Wyatt did a creepy promo.
– Dana Brooke beat Alicia Fooooooox, while Emma observed her former protege.
– Gallows, Anderson and Samoa Joe took Enzo out of the picture for their 6 man tag match. Seth Rollins and Big Cass ended up teaming with Finn Balor, beating the heels with Rollins’ new finisher.
– Apollo Crews defeated Curt Hawkins’ Star Factory and found his arm raised by #TheTitusBrand at the end of the match. It was the first time ever that Crews hasn’t smiled.
– Alexa Bliss lost to Sasha Banks via count out.
Monday Night Raw kicked off with the final episode of The Highlight Reel, cheered on by the friends of Jericho. A few moments into Y2J’s Pulitzer-worthy interview of himself, The Miz and Maryse interrupted the flow, having the Miz TV set replace Jericho’s. We were gifted with the so-obvious-it-had-to-happen “you better watch… IT, couple” line before that loopy son of a gun, Dean Ambrose threw yet another bonkers spanner in the works. Oh man, that guy is a sandwich short of a picnic, RIGHT?! So unhinged.
Anyway, he told Miz that you don’t just cancel and replace someone’s talk show segment, making reference to his programme with Y2J last year in which he did just that, before replacing Miz TV with the Ambrose Asylum. Do you ever question why there are so many talk show segments on this wrestling programme? Anyway, the original stupid idiot presented Jericho with a new jacket adorned with twinkly christmas lights and dropped Miz, once again, with the dirtiest of deeds.
The main event of the show was set with the most standard and overused of wrestling tropes – the secret partner. Dean Ambrose and Chris Jericho would take on The Miz and a partner – OR CO-STAR!!!!! as the commentary team kept informing us – which made for several backstage segments featuring The A Lister tyring to coerce someone into joining his team. The match began with Miz’s partner a no-show, and what followed were the most underwhelming 10 minutes of boring handicap wrestling I ever did see.
As The Miz retreated and was forced onto the commentary table for the obligatory show-ending spot, the lights flashed off and on, leaving us with the vision of a fedora-clad Bray Wyatt facing crazy Jon Moxley. Bray punched Dean off the table, leaving us sufficiently blueballed, before Sister Abigailing Ambrose (kind of), Jericho and eventually, The Miz.
It’s these kind of antics that would feel special if we hadn’t seen them end in a disappoint manner for Wyatt over an over. What’s the point in cheering or booing a man who is booked like a heart attack? Constantly going fucking mental, then underwhelming us all. The crowd in the arena seemed to echo the sentiment.