Nobody expects a movie called The Beaster Bunny to be a cinematic masterpiece. At best, you’re hoping for an enjoyably cheesy B-movie or a “so bad, it’s good” kind of thing. The Beaster Bunny is neither of those things. It is a horrifically incompetent, soul-sucking black hole of a movie that cruelly jolts you back to life with an occasional funny moment sandwiched in between mounds of overwhelming stupidity and ineptitude.

Written, directed and produced by the Snygg brothers, The Beaster Bunny wastes no time in establishing how awful it is. The very first scene, a drunken best man ranting about his father marrying another woman (remember this, it’s super important to the main plot)* proudly shows off the horrible acting, horrible framing (the frame constantly cuts off the heads of the actors) and horrible writing. Why would the father make his son the best man when it’s abundantly clear they hate each other and the son is against the marriage? Because this is a bad horror comedy with zero thought put into it.

Yes, The Beaster Bunny is under the dangerously unhealthy delusion that it’s a funny movie – one of its main characters, a despicably over-acting dog catcher, spends his first scene stuffing his pants with socks so that people think he has a big dick, and reciting the “Are you talking to me?” Taxi Driver speech to a rabbit plushie, which he then also stuffs in his pants. That is the level of wit and sophistication you can expect out of this pile of crap.

The majority of the movie has the titular Beaster Bunny, an inconceivably inept special effects blunder that appears to only be able to move in three our four different looped animation cycles, kill random people that have are randomly walking through the woods. Or rather, kill random busty women that are either wearing ridiculously revealing outfits for no reason, or end up topless before they die – or both.

This may seem tasteless and juvenile at first, but there’s an easy explanation – The Beaster Bunny is actually a 2014 movie called Beaster Day: Here Comes Peter Cottonhell which is only now making its way to the UK under a new title. You see, back in 2014, porn didn’t exist, so the only way stupid horny idiots could masturbate is by watching horror movie about gigantic killer rabbits and hoping there’ll be breasts in them. Those were dark times indeed.

The kills go a little something like this – movie cuts to random busty lady walking around. After the camera awkwardly ogles her for a bit, the Beaster Bunny shows up in the background. We get a reaction shot of the lady screaming, pretending to scream, or just running with her mouth open with no sound and then she’s dead. Yeah, most of the deaths are off-screen, because apparently they couldn’t figure out how to make their stupid rabbit effect interact with the “actors”. Sometimes you’ll get a shot of the rabbit stomping on someone or having someone’s legs sticking out of its mouth, but that’s about it.

Some of the early deaths can be kind of amusing, but eventually, the pointlessness of it all strips away any and all enjoyment you might have gained from how inept this movie is. It’s possible that if you watch it with friends and play a drinking game, you’ll have a good time, but watching it alone is an utterly miserable experience – plus, “it’s good if you have company and lots of alcohol” is hardly a glowing recommendation.

None of the characters are likable, interesting or funny at all. The mayor of the town, which I believe has the indecency to be called Easterdayville, is a stoner – the joke is that he finishes every sentence with “man”, is incompetent and rants a whole lot. That’s it. The other main character is a failed actress that leeches money from her parents, leading to the immortal line “I’m an artist! I am a flower and I need you to water me with your wallet!”. She’s boring, bland and has the gall to survive to the end.

What else is there to say? The rabbit’s size is incredibly inconsistent – sometimes it’s larger than a house and other times it’s clearly a lot smaller. They kill it by having the dog catcher dress up as carrot and serve as bait, even though the rabbit has clearly shown it eats humans too. One of the busty ladies finds the time to text YOLO after her torso is eaten. Another dog catcher dies by tripping and falling onto a small trophy in the shape of a hand giving a thumbs up. You would think it impaled him in the eye but he turns around and apparently it managed to stab him in the HEART.

The special effects are atrocious, the acting is unbearably awful, alternating between bad improv and actually reading the horrendous lines – the whole thing is a big, stinking pile of nothing that makes 80 minutes feel like a lifetime of Chinese water torture.

I don’t recommend it.

0/5

Dir: Snygg Brothers
Scr: Snygg Brothers
Cast: Jon Arthur, Kristina Beaudouin, Valerie Bittner
Country: USA
Year: 2014
Runtime: Forever

The Beaster Bunny comes out on DVD on 3 April, 2017.

*I lied, it didn’t matter to the main plot AT ALL!