Impact Testing – April 27th, 2017

Following a big X-Division win from The Hitman, a heel turn for EC3 and a well-timed KO punch by Borash we are back to discuss the latest episode of Impact.

I’d like to say this show opened up with a good match but that would be a lie, Matthews came out to serve Borash with some unfortunate news; Jeremy Borash is suspended. It’s now we get a good match because of the debut of “The Japanese Weed Connoisseur” Matt Sydal!

Matt Sydal vs Trevor Lee

The two go back and forth with counter after counter; near fall after near fall until Helms gets on the apron, luckily Sydal outsmarts the Dynasty and hits one of the best Shooting Star Press’ in wrestling today to pick up the victory.

EC3 comes out, ticked that he has worked his tail off for three years to make Impact great and has gotten nothing for it. Except for no longer being known as Derrick Bateman of course. He then vows to eliminate the old guard that built the company, starting with James Storm. Of course, that queues the Cowboys music, Storm calls EC3 “fugly” and offers a good old fashioned fight to which EC3 would decline until being called a bitch. Now it’s on! EC3 comes out on top but I’m sure this is not over, not by a long shot.

KM is at a restaurant and he yells at his waiter for nothing, I don’t know what this is about but it’s damn near worse than the announcers arguing.

GFW Women’s Champion
Ava Storie vs Christina Von Eerie

Well, this match definitely left something to be desired. The pacing of the match was slow and awkward and Ava has the charisma akin to a junk of wood; works like one too. I can’t put the blame on Von Eerie knowing how clunky Ava is from her past matches but those kicks to the back from Von Eerie were horrendously light. Aside from Von Eerie using a second rope lung blower as a finisher and Swoggle coming to the ring to mess with Rockstar Spud this match blew chunks.

Backstage, the man most famous for blowing off bookings to get drunk with his pornstar wife playing ultra-good guy when he’s interrupted by Magnus. Karen has had enough and announces that in two weeks Magnus will put his GFW Championship on the line against Ol’ Drunkie over there.

Impact Grand Championship
Davey Richards vs Moose

To start Davey takes a big old sniff of Angelina Love’s chesticles; not to be outdone Moose came out with some NFL players by his side. It was at least better than that garbage peewee entrance he had in the past.

I have no idea why Moose brought his entourage to ringside, they did nothing but hurt the match as they laugh and smile every time Davey would hit a move, they’re enjoying watching a friend get pummeled. Other than that, this was probably one of the better Grand Championship matches we’ve seen in quite some spell. I’d go so far as to say that Davey Richards is the type of wrestler that should have this title and at least try to shine up that turd up. Before they could do the right thing, Eddie Edwards comes out to attack his former tag partner continuing the feud between the two. Then they just jump the shark when the tall NFL guy scoop slams Davey Richards and he sells it like he’s Andre in ’87.

Swoggle continues to torment Spud until losing his pants and running to the back. Yes, that did happen.

Matt Sigmon vs Kongo Kong

From afar it looks as if Chavo Guerrero was heading to the ring, don’t worry he’s just a skinny David Young who gets killed by Kong and his big splash.

Veterans of War (Wilcox & Mayweather) vs. Fallah Bahh & Mario Bokara

This is your cliché matchup of ‘Murica vs The World and the return of another TNA alumni Crimson who was nothing special to begin with, then team him up with a shit brick house that is green as grass and you have a deadly combination. VOW win in what goes down as another match that bored me to tears; Impact should go by this mantra, “Two Steps Forward, Three Steps Back.”

Swoggle channels his inner Chucky and attacks Spud with a hammer, this whole thing just went from funny to crazy faster than my ex-girlfriend.

Holy shit, Eli Drake, and Tyrus still have a job! Everyone’s forgotten about Eli and that upsets him. What will he do about it? Check back next week to find out more.

Street Fight
TNA Tag Team Championship
LAX vs Decay w/ Rosemary

Tables, barbwire boards, chairs, trash cans and more rule the roost in this match. Despite the fact that this match is right in Decays wheel house the numbers game eventually takes its toll when homicide interrupts a chokeslam and Konnan gets involved by interfering with the ref. In an attempt to even the odds Rosemary attempts to spit the mist in the face of Ortiz but gets Abyss instead; Diamante would come in to eliminate the she-devil from the picture for good. LAX then places Abyss between two barbwire boards, taking him out of the equation allowing Santana and Ortiz to put Crazzy Steve through a table with thumbtacks with a neck breaker/powerbomb combo and retain their Tag Team Championships. Once again, another episode of Impact saved by LAX…

Aside from the debut of Matt Sydal and the Tag Team Street Fight this episode was abysmal. Ava Storie needs to be re-evaluated, Kongo Kong seems as if he will grow thin really, really fast; I’m already tired of him, and the Veterans of War can f—k off right away.

1.5/5

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