Okay I’m going to start on a total tangent here. I’m angry. I’m angry at the speed information moves! Here’s what I was going to write-

Who in the Oscar’s organisation is in-charge of the winning envelopes? Come on! I mean, I didn’t watch it live, but I saw the clip of the ultimate fuck-up in cinematic history (let’s not make too big a deal out of this now Harry). But JESUS! La La Land was up on stage thanking their mums and their dads and their partners and neighbours and dogs and cats and clouds and, of course, God, for like 3 minutes. 3 minutes! Some pleb production assistant with an Alice band headset was stood off stage going, shit, they’ve just read out the wrong winner, for THREE MINUTES! That’s like the same time as the total of three acting careers combined! I loved it.

I don’t love it anymore. I wrote that at 2234 on Monday the 27th of February. Under 24 hours after the Oscars ceremony. And it’s irrelevant. Useless information. Fake news! To my disgust at the speed of technology, it’s already been reported what happened in ‘envelopegate’ (anyone come up with that yet? Probably.)

So. It wasn’t some pleb production assistant with an Alice band headset who cocked up the giving out of winner’s envelopes. It was a PricewaterhouseCoopers accountant called Brian Cullinan. And Brian is apparently devastated about what happened. Brian, trust me, I speak for 7 billion people from my single bedroom in Kingston when I say, We forgive you. But we don’t forgive Faye Dunaway.

Here’s what really happened the moment the best picture winner was announced….in my imagination.

Warren Beatty opens the envelope, looks at the card, then he looks offstage, at the card again, then offstage again, looking at the production crew like I’m going to go Dick fucking Tracy on all your asses when I get back there. Then he looks at the card again and looks at whoever it was he was stood next to, and just thought here you go broad. You step into the shit cause I sure as hell ain’t. So the broad (Faye Dunaway) takes one look at the envelope for half a second, sees ‘La’ and goes La La Land! Clutching her moment of glory at announcing a best picture award with narcissistic claws.

But Faye, if you had taken three seconds instead of the decided upon half to read the envelope, like wise old Warren, you would have realised that above La La Land it said Emma Stone for Best Actress.

I’ve got a real problem with Oscar this year. And it’s not just envelopegate. Or all the happy smiley successful movie-people schmoozing about together in their giant Jacuzzi of success. I mean, I’ll be straight with you. I’m a failed scriptwriter. For all us scriptwriters the Oscar Jacuzzi of success is the Holy Grail of all Jacuzzi’s. My ‘real’ problem with Oscar this year is, I don’t like Oscar this year. Or. Anymore. I used to think wow Oscar! Now I think ergh… Annoying.

If you’re sitting there thinking he’s bitter… then, you’re right. But also, it feels like the Oscars has become a cesspit, not just of do-gooders, but of goody two-shoe do-gooders. Epitomised by Justin ‘Mickey Mouse Club’ Timberlake flaunting his twinkling eyes and his boyish smile while he sings Can’t Stop The Feeling. And I’m sitting there in my single bedroom ground floor apartment, in my pyjamas, opening my second tub of Ben and Jerry’s Cookie Dough going I Can’t Stop The Feeling either Justin. The feeling of the need to punch you in the face!

The problem is I watch the Oscars and I just get sick within thirty seconds. And it’s not just because of the Ben and Jerrys’. It’s because of listening to all the, “how wonderful everything is”.

I mean, is everything wonderful? These are tough times for people. Specially considering we’ve got a Conservative government. Look don’t ‘aw’ at me going political. Hate to tell you but the Oscars is all about the ‘P’ word.

I’m not saying because there are like six billion low paid workers out there who are generally miserable that everyone at the Oscars should be miserable too. I understand that they’re trying to promote “positivity”. But I just feel they go about this in the wrong way. By being smug.

Another way to spread positivity is to make people feel good. And another way to make people feel good other than by showing off, is to make people laugh. Only Fools and Horse’s self-deprecating style laughter. Take the piss out of each other a bit. Have a laugh. Get drunk. Don’t just stand around with stone cold sober twinkly eyes going we are wonderful. Give me a bit of real passion!

Look. I’m not bitter. I’m not angry. Good luck and God bless all the winners. And I’ll tell you what, from purely a ‘movie review perspective’, the nine films nominated this year were all outstanding.

Now go laugh about it.

By Harry Jamshidian

Daydreaming scriptwriter and part-time reviewer living in Kingston.