Impact Testing – March 30th, 2017

Last week Impact really opened up the floodgates, this edition of Impact looks to continue the LAX storyline and a plethora of average content. One step forward, two steps back it seems.

The show opens with Josh Matthews deciding to sit in on the backstage meetings with Dutch, Pritchard, and Borash as Karen Jarrett comes storming in looking for Sienna. Borash and Matthews begin to bicker once again as I eagerly wish for old age and the hearing loss that comes along with it.

In the ring, Karen calmly sides with Roderick Strong over on NXT and his stance on bullying, she then demands Sienna come to the ring. Seems to me the Knockouts division may get a smudge more tolerable without the high school games. Karen plays Mom by telling her she will live to regret her actions as of late. All of a sudden, I see a familiar face, Kevin Matthews of WWE developmental fame a decade ago. I guess now he’s related to Sienna and runs in all the wrong circles. Going by simply “KM” now, he is here to wrong the injustice of his cousin; just as he’s about to beat up a woman, Braxton Sutter comes in to save the day. In case you’re wondering, the penalty of raising your voice at Impact is a match against Braxton Sutter.

DJZ vs Andrew Everett

Before we dive into the match, I need to bring up just how much Everett and Buffalo Bill from Silence of the Lambs look alike. That long, stringy hair, coupled with that receding hairline is something else. This match was good, some actual “cruiserweight” wrestling being put on display is so refreshing when you see so much of that bland cruiserweight style that the WWE has implemented as of late. After a few dives to the outside and flips galore, DJZ goes for his patented ZDT, Everett catches him in a roll-up to pick up the quick victory, elevated Everett without hurting DJZ. Post-match, the Helms Dynasty comes out to cheer on Everett finally getting a win, a week after losing to Trevor Lee.

After witnessing more of the Earl and ODB relationship, Rosemary is in the ring with Borash for the “Burial of the Knockouts Division” which was her telling what’s left of the Knockouts division to give up, in a nutshell. Luckily ODB comes out, smelling like Ben Gay and Jube Jube candies after her romp with Earl I’m sure. All of a sudden, we have five or six unknown Knockouts in the ring and as hell breaks loose. The only purpose I can see here was a way to introduce so many new faces that you will never remember any of them. For example, one was that chick who Cody paid off the week prior; her name? I have no idea and that’s the biggest downfall of introducing so many new faces in such a short period of time.

EC3 is on his way to the ring and Josh Matthews brought up a wrestling term that I had hoped died and gone to wrestling hell, that phrase being “Slap Nuts.” Moving on, EC3 apologizes for his actions last week and how he spoke to Karen Jarrett and says that if Impact is changing then he needs to change with it; this brings out James Storm, fresh off his departure from the DCC. The two have a fun back and forth comparing where EC3 was in life when Storm was building Impact Wrestling. The segment ultimately end’s up with them agreeing to poll the fans on who should challenge Lashley for the World Championship in the future.

Impact Grand Championship
Cody vs Moose

In what turned out to be an okay match could have really benefitted from being a plain jane contest. During the first-round Cody and Moose brawl around the ring when Cody mistakenly superkicks a judge right in the gut. Brother Love comes out to judge for his fallen comrade. That’s about as exciting as it got until the end of the final round where the two are neck and neck until the final bell. Moose edges out the victory over Cody via split decision adding fuel to the fire that is heel Cody.

KM vs Braxton Sutter

It’s not AM, oh no it’s not PM, this is KM! Shitty name aside, if you want to see a funny side to “KM” you should check out an episode of Developmentally Speaking featuring Curt Hawkins, Sami Callahan, Kenny Omega and Keven Matthews; it’s here KM admits that he is an average wrestler at best and that is shown in this match while we get some smoke and mirrors outside consisting of Sienna and Allie running about. KM would hit a tight powerbomb lung blower for the victory. Post-match all four would brawl around the ring when Night of the Living Ness rears her head up on the entrance ramp. Enough of that.

Back at the LAX compound, they’re all getting crunk (is crunk still cool?) and playing cards again, only this time we find the crew talking business. All of a sudden Homicide has a half million inside a briefcase; we all know Homicide of all people must have stolen that money. Konnan approves and checks up on what each member has going on. Once again, a short and sweet segment that looked great; it may not have had the greatest story progression but it looked great.

***Side note: The Fury Will Be Unleashed promos this week show that whoever is behind this will be looking to break up Allie and Braxton; obviously the most hated couple in TNA.

Impact Tag Team Championship
Garza Jr & Laredo Kid vs Decay vs Reno Scum vs LAX

One thing Impact has done very well since their rebranding is the tag division. In just three short weeks this collection of teams have been easily out working the tag division in the WWE tenfold. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not perfect and with eight guys in a match it’s safe to say that a cluster f*** was inevitable. I quickly lost track of who the legal men were but fortunately for me Laredo Kid and Garza Jr both take big dives to the outside onto their opponents lifting my spirits. Not to be outdone, Santana and Ortiz of LAX absolutely stole the show with a variety of impressive moves such as their Street Sweeper, a double foot stomp neck breaker and a blockbuster powerbomb which ultimately won them the match, making them the new Impact Tag Team Champions as we go off the air.

Although not being quite as good as last week’s episode and about fifteen minutes short of two hours, Impact took another step forward as they really start to cement LAX as a main event heavyweight attraction. One big issue with Impact week to week is the lack of quality wrestling, aside from the tag team and X-Division’s respectfully so let’s hope that turns around soon.

2.5/5

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