Get into The Business Chapuuurrrrr! When Arnie was Donald! – Celebrity Apprentice USA

This last year to date has been 12 months of things coming together for me. Donald Trump and the keys to the White House. Brexit voters and polling stations. And in January of this year, Arnold Schwarzenegger and The Apprentice.

Look VH is on the pulse of great TV. GREAT TV. This is why we’re a little late in commenting on series 15 of the Celebrity Apprentice USA, with Schwarzenegger as the new boss, and his business advisors Tyra Banks and nephew Patrick Knapp Schwarzenegger. With celebrity guest advisors Warren Buffet and Jessica Alba.

Quick summary of all the contestants to refresh your memory. Brooke Burke-Charvet, Carson Kressely, Boy George, Eric Dickerson, Carnie Wilson, Jon Lovitz, Kyle Richards, Laila Ali, Carrie Keagan, Lisa Leslie, Matt Iseman, Nicole ‘Snooki’ Polizzi, Ricky Williams, Vince Neil, Porsha Williams, and Chael Sonnen.

Right. Remember? I lost like three minutes typing those names. Three minutes I’ll never get back. Don’t make me do it again. And in bringing everything to ‘vogue’, the finalists of the show were Boy George and Matt Iseman. Of course! Matt Iseman! Oh I remember him!

Now, being a “logical” TV reviewer it would make sense for me to proceed with a feature that relates to the title. “When Arnie became Donald.” Who came up with that shit!? Let’s go on and give a six-page analysis of how Arnie and Donald’s personalities differed sitting in the most important boardroom seat on TV. Let’s highlight the quirks in their mannerisms and what their differing styles brought to the role. But do it in a clever kind of way.

Or let’s not. It’s Arnie and Donald. I am going give you, the reader, the benefit of the doubt of being minutely intelligent and able to envisage, on your own, what these two “personalities” are like when they’re paid millions of dollars to behave like dicks for TV.

On the show itself? There was nothing much good about it. There never is with celebrity apprentices. That cheesy desperation we smell stuck to the fingertips of each contestant is not to be detected coming from celebrity hands. The rich and famous aren’t doing this to build a career or become rich and famous. They’re already…rich and famous. If anything they’re doing this because they’re bored. And this comes across. Taking away some of the real nastiness from the original show I so enjoy.

However, there was something about season 15 of the Celebrity Apprentice USA with Arnold Schwarzenegger that caught my attention. And of course, it was…The Donald!

Image courtesy of Salon Culture and Lifestyle Magazine

These days he’s also calling himself, DJT, “The Greatest EVER”, and Mr President. But not like president of a company, or an obscure tax haven off the coast of one of the Caribbean Islands. In this case ‘president’ refers to the president of a country. That country? Errrrrrrr, give me a minute to remember……Oh! America…

Trump’s got cojones (just ask the Mexicans). Not only does he find time to build a wall (although granted, he’s not doing it himself. I think he’s contracted it out…) he also found time to get into a war of words with the greatest screen action hero ever!

Let’s put it simple for The Donald: Trump’s official ratings on The Apprentice = 6.4 million. Schwarzenegger’s ratings = 4.6million. BOOM! The Donald wins again! And, being The Donald, he naturally takes this victory gracefully. By going on Twitter and saying how much of a loser Schwarzenegger is. So Schwarzenegger goes on Twitter offering to do a job swap. But Arnie! The Donald’s already been a reality TV star, and now he’s the President! He’s done both jobs! He was better at both jobs! He IS both jobs!! So Arnie, naturally, turns round and says, vell zen…I’ll just smash his face in.

This, this, THIS IS REAL NEWS FOLKS! Or is it? Schwarzenegger’s claim of wanting to smash The Donald’s face in is now being referred to as “fake news”. Don’t even think about telling me you’re confused. Instead think about this poor poor soul. His name is Sean Spicer. He is the unlucky individual who has to hold the post of White House Press Secretary during the Trump Administration. Basically Mr Spicer’s job is to translate all The Donald’s Donaldisms he puts on Twitter and Facebook and Pornhub and whatever other platforms he uses to ‘spread the word’.

Now I’ve uploaded this video just to show, basically, how mad the world has gone.

This is the pressroom of the White House. The White House. That’s the place where the President of the United States lives. The most powerful politician in the world. The head of the biggest functioning democracy on the planet, and the leader of the free world who’s going to lift the human race up out of poverty. And they’re in there discussing the Celebrity fucking Apprentice USA with Arnold Schwarzenegger. Using terms like “totalitarian” to describe it…….. That, that video above, is Donald Trump’s wet dream come true. His advertising platform for the Trump brand is now the White House. It took him four weeks to achieve this.

I dread- I DREAD! to think what he’s going to accomplish in four years.

I love you Arnie, but on political principle, I can’t endorse Celebrity Apprentice USA right now. I’m just gunna have to stick to raving on about Junior.