Roses are rose-coloured, violets are violet, I wrote this intro in 10 seconds, get off my back. There, another perfect introduction. I’m Elliot and I watch Raw so you don’t have to.
Monday Night Raw began with a suit-clad KO sat in a darkened ring, receiving boos for one of the first times in his main roster career.
He discussed his Universal Championship match with Goldberg at Fastlane and Bond-villained away his strategy. He suggested that Goldberg can’t go the distance when the match-length gets out of squash territory, but I think we all highly doubt Owens will have the chance to prove that hypothesis.
The champ then brought up his hospitalised former best friend, Chris Jericho, before dropping the mic and walking away, implying the GOAT isn’t even worth his time.
While trying to make a daringly slow-getaway after the first segment, GM Foley (wearing his old Commissioner shit, for some reason) put Owens in a match with Sami Zayn for later in the show, which is kind of his version of Teddy Long making things a tag-team match.
While on his way to the ring, Zayn found himself, once again, on the receiving end of a beatdown from Samoa Joe. For some reason, the match went ahead anyway, leading to a bit of a squash match for the former Reel Big Fish trombone player (could be true).
– Enzo & Big Cass defeated Cesaro & Sheamus in a#1 Contenders match for the tag titles. Following the match, Sheamus took out a trash-talking Amore, so we’ll likely still see both these teams in the tag title picture at ‘Mania.
– Brian Kendrick beat down Akira Tozawa before the bell rang, causing the match to never actually happen.
– Roman Reigns took on Gallows & Anderson in a 2 on 1 match again. The bout ended in a DQ after Roman got trigger-happy with a chair (does that make sense?). The shenanigans concluded with Reigns spearing Anderson in mid-air, making the champs look like chumps once more.
– What’s this New Day ice cream bullshit?
– Big E & Kofi defeated Rusev and Jinder Mahal while Xavier Woods tore an iPad in half.
– Jack Gallagher set up a spot of afternoon tea for Neville during their Cruiserweight title match contract signing. Neville called him out for being a ridiculous stereotype that doesn’t exist. Thanks Neville!
– Nia Jax won another squash match.
– Bayley refused to relinquish the Women’s Championship because why would she? The segment was stupid. Ratings disaster! Sad!
– Sasha Banks defeated Charlotte in an impromptu match… that they were both already dressed for.
– Dana Brooke is back for some reason and is more meaningless than ever!
– Brock Lesnar and Paul Heyman did a weird, sit-down, stare at the camera promo about Goldberg or Kevin Owens or something. I don’t really care.
– Goldberg will be on Raw next week to do in a door or two.
– Braun Strowman defeated The Big Show in a surprisingly agile display from both men. A removal of the straps was required for the win.
– Roman Reigns (a face) came to the ring as the match ended to ambush Strowman – a confrontation that ended badly for Roman “Merch Sales” Reigns.
Usually, I end these recaps with an in-depth summary of another big storyline from the show, but Chris Jericho wasn’t in attendance, so there’s really nothing worth wasting my, or your, time with. Instead, here’s a photographic representation of Dana Brooke’s 10 seconds of screen time.