Time – something about time – maybe a joke – probably a song reference – watching Raw takes too much time – I’m Elliot and I watch Raw so you don’t have to. There, that’s my secret formula for writing an incredible opening to an article. You can use it if you want, but be careful.
Monday Night Raw began as most do: with Kevin Owens and Chris Jericho wandering to the ring to rant about everything from Mick Foley’s stacjing of the deck against them, to Y2J’s cumulative 5 hours spent in the Royal Rumble.
Braun Strowman rode to the ring on a little unicycle before promptly crushing it in his giant hands*, following which he demanded a shot at the Universal title. Strowman showed a clip of Owens promising the former-black-sheep such a shot, if the title was retained at the Royal Rumble (which it was, thanks to Braun Strowman’s thuggery – so that’s those actions explained, nerds). GM Foley made the Universal title match official for later in the show.
*May not have actually happened.
Hey look, it’s later in the show now! Kevin Owens was understandably concerned that Chris Jericho wouldn’t be able to protect him from Strowman, and he was right to be so, as Braun dispatched of Jericho before he’d even made it to the ring.
Owens put up a solid fight, gaining the upper hand a few times, though he found himself on the receiving end of a running powerslam, perhaps spelling the end of his title run. As he is wont to do, Roman Reigns showed up and threw some overpowered punched around, causing the match to end in a DQ.
LESS INTERESTING STUFF:
– Sami Zayn beat Chris Jericho (#61MinuteMan), likely setting him up for a US Title match somewhere down the line.
– Enzo & Cass bested Rusev and Jinder Mahal in a tornado tag match, before being roughed up a bit by the heels.
– Tony Nese put away Mustafa Ali.
– Cesaro, Sheamus and Bayley beat Gallows, Anderson and Charlotte, with the hugger landing the pin.
– Neville Geordied about in the ring, before Rich Swann interrupted (fist-style) him and set up their rematch.
– Brock Lesnar turned up to bounce around a little bit as Paul Heyman issued the inevitable Wrestlemania challenge to Goldberg.
– Nia Jax ragged Sasha Banks around.
In the middle of the programme, Seth Rollins shot some babyfaced loud-mouthery at Stephanie McMahon, as well something weird about coming to her house and her kids answering the door that I didn’t follow. Never not one to be goaded, Steph got all shouty and announced that Triple H would put an end to all this nonsense.
True to his wife’s word, Triple H sauntered to the ring at the end of the show and recapped the entire story of Seth Rollins, including poor, teary-eyed impressions! Hunter is a man who can handle incessant insults to himself and his family, but Rollins turning up at NXT Takeover simply crossed the line for the C.O.O. “Come on down to this ruddy ring, fella,” bellowed the King of Kings*, and so his faithful lapdog/nemesis, Seth Rollins did, though before he could quite make it, The Architect was ambushed by a familiar face (heel). ‘Twas none other than Samoa Joe, of NXT (and everywhere else) fame, who showed up to leather ol’ Rollins, much to the delight of the smarks in the crowd.
So, it looks like Joe is acting as an enforcer for Triple H (which surely can’t end well for him if we’re going to get the battle of the Pedigrees at ‘Mania) AND he’s on Monday Night Raw… I don’t mean to be a pessimist, so I won’t say anything at all. BYE!