I often start these articles with a musing on the concept of time, BUT I’VE GOT NO TIME FOR SUCH SHENANIGANS THIS WEEK! I’m Elliot Dyson and I watch Smackdown Live so you don’t have to.

The Miz Vs. Daniel Bryan has been the best storyline on Smackdown Live since the brand split, barring perhaps the tale of Heath Slater’s rise to prominence. But shut up about Heath Slater, me. This week’s Miz TV featured a guest appearance from SD Live Gen Man, Daniel Bryan, with the intent of announcing some of the Survivor Series teams. Like the big man he is, Miz put his differences with Bryan aside to essay the role of “excellent talk show host.”
Bryan announced that the men’s Survivor Series team would consist of Randy Orton, Baron Corbin, Bray Wyatt, Dean Ambrose and AJ Styles, which obviously enraged The Miz, who IS the main event. Bryan added that, in order to beat Raw, Smackdown needs “Superstars who aren’t afraid to fight,” leading to the two trading barbs similar to ones we’ve heard before, though entertaining nonetheless.
In light of that statement, Daniel introduced Dolph Ziggler, who would be happily defending his IC title in an open challenge right…now (y’know, like they say all the time?). Curt Hawkins responded to the call, making his in-ring redebut with the company a title match. Unfortunately for the modern Chuck Norris, he lost in about 5 seconds after a Superkick from Ziggler. Dolph went on to offer anyone on Raw the chance to challenge for the Intercontinental Title at Survivor Series, enraging The Miz further.

In the never-ending, rarely interesting saga of Randy Orton and Bray Wyatt, this week saw Snake-Man take on Kane in a No DQ match following his borderline deplorable actions last week. Obviously, a chair was used, then The Wyatt Fam turned up to get a bit beaten up by Kane, before Randall landed an RKO on Hell-Face for a win. After the match, Harper delivered a Discus Clothesline to Kane, and Randy fed him to the Sister Abigail machine, flouting Harper in the process.
A bit later during a spooky, smoky backstage segment, Bray invited Orton to join the Wyatt Fam, much to the chagrin of Harper. Then, Randy’s eyes flickered like some Adobe After Effects bullshit.

Here’s the photo that WWE clearly want everyone to use // WWE.com
Here’s the photo that WWE clearly want everyone to use // WWE.com

A VERITABLE SMORGASBORD OF OTHER SHIT:

– American Alpha qualified for the Survivor Series tag match over The Spirit Squad.
– Natalya will be the coach of the women’s team at Survivor Series, so enjoy that important nugget.
– WWE won a bunch of awards from an organisation that I’ve never heard of and don’t care about. Eat my delicious journalism!
– David Otunga said “WWE Heavyweight Champion,” which is an incorrect term he probably heard from his pal, Rikishi, on that film set.
– The new “broadcast colleague” called James Ellsworth “James Ellis”. How do you get that wrong? He’s the most talked about character in WWE today, goddammit!
– The Usos beat The Headbangers in a Survivor Series qualifying match that left us thinking, “well, obviously.”
– Alexa Bliss DDTed and pinned Becky Lynch for the win in a tag match between Bliss-Mella and Becky-Bella, in the build up to the Women’s Championship defence next week.

A DDT finisher, like a default CAW // WWE.com
A DDT finisher, like a default CAW // WWE.com

This week’s show began with the James Ellsworth making his way to the ring, receiving a big, potentially irony-laden pop. He began his promo by saying goodbye, which is nonsensical behaviour that compliments JBL’s argument about Ellsworth not being human. He invited Ambrose to the ring to apologise for last week’s wacky antics, adding, “Any man with two hands can make a mistake.” AJ Styles turned up to berate the li’l fella, causing Wacky Dean to slip back into the protector role. AJ Styles beat them both up, because that’s the kind of thing he does.
Daniel Bryan gave Ambrose “one more chance” to be the only viable competitor to challenge for the WWE World Championship in the form of a match with The Phenomenal One in the main event. Ellsworth was banned from ringside, but as we learned: any man with two hands and a bit of Internet support will be mercilessly shoved down our throats until we say “Please, please let me review Raw instead of Smackdown, Mr. Vulture Hound editor!”
Obviously, James Ellsworth ran through the crowd to be at ringside during the main event, only to be chased away by security moments later. In true Benny Hill fashion, he turned up again a few minutes later, distracting AJ Styles by being super punchable, which gave Dean “John-McClane-Hairline” Ambrose the chance to recover enough to counter a Phenomenal Forearm with a Dirty Deeds and score a clean pinfall victory over the WWE World Champion, making him the #1 contender once more.

Welcome to Security Guard Over-Acting 101 // WWE.com
Welcome to Security Guard Over-Acting 101 // WWE.com

In summary: Breezeango better be the final team added to the Survivor Series tag match.