I woke up to an email this morning. You know, one of those emails with the red flag on it, gleaming furiously in my sleep encrusted eyes. It read:
I don’t know what swerve you and Brad were trying to pull with Survivor Series, but I’m confused, which is especially bad because I’m the editor of this goddamn thing. Are you reviewing Raw now? Just… Somebody please review Raw and post it today – I have actual responsibilities to deal with and you two have the easiest jobs on Steelchair. Stop pretending anyone gives a shit about your underlying stories and just write about what happened on Raw/Smackdown. FFS.
xxCMPunkFan420xx, Your Editor.
So, I’m sure my many readers will be glad to see that the brass here at Vulture Hound have wised up and given me the prime time slot I deserve. I swear, if I had to dick around recapping Smackdown for much longer I… well I… I’d have thought about getting a bit upset and maybe drafting an email before deleting it in cowardice.
Uhhmm… I’m Elliot Dyson and I watch WWE Raw so you don’t have to.
The show kicked off in an expected fashion, with Bill Goldberg parading around the ring, gloating and talking about his son (who was wearing a shirt this time). Bill claimed that after his “main event” with Lesnar at Survivor Series, Stephanie McMahon asked him, “Do you have another title run in you?” So sure, why not, let’s push this ancient man for the sake of a quick payday. Goldie announced he will be in the Royal Rumble this year and the fans were like, “Hey, I’m marking out over here.”
Sheasaro got their title shot against The New Day after clearing house at Survivor Series. It was one of those matches that was enjoyable and full of fun spots, like Cesaro reversing Kofi’s Trouble in Paradise and sending him aswingin’.
It seems the story is now how desperate The New Day are to beat Demolition’s record and how they’re willing to embrace the heelish antics that got them this far to do so. In the closing moments of the match, Xavier Woods caused a distraction, preventing the referee from seeing Kofi tap out to the Sharpshooter (remember how WWE are in Canada this week?), leading to a small package pin and New Day retaining their titles once more.
HERE’S A BUNCH OF OTHER SHIT THAT HAPPENED:
– Enzo was naked and… I don’t know. This led to a match with Rusev somehow.
– Ariya Daivari kicked off his match with some tired heel bullshit by criticising Canada, then speaking in some evil foreign tongue. Cedric Alexander beat him, obviously.
– Lana called Canada “America” which might be a bit, I’m not entirely sure.
– Enzo and Cass sure do talk about dicks a lot, don’t they?
– Rusev squashed Enzo, setting up Rusev and Big Cass, which is a match up that makes Vince’s nipples all pointy.
– In the most nonsensical story of the night, Gallows & Anderson fought The Golden Truth for the chance to challenge New Day for the tag titles next week. What did either of those teams do to earn that chance? Are Sheasaro not entitled to a rematch after the screwy finish? The former Club won, anyway.
– Braun Strowman murderballed Sami Zayn so badly that Mick Foley had to come out and stop the match using his serious quiet voice.
– Sasha made Charlotte tap out while teaming with Bayley and Nia Jax respectively. This result was to build to their seemingly throwaway title match next week, giving us the impression Sasha still has a chance, despite the fact that Charlotte is feuding with Bayley right now.
– Rich Swann beat Noam Dar and TJ Perkins to become the #1 Contender for the Cruiserweight Championship by pinning the latter. Not that he really needed to qualify for that match as he’s beaten Brian Kendrick twice in the past few weeks, but whatever.
On The Highlight Reel, the Jericho and Owens break up was teased gently, then ham-fistedly referenced like an auntie trying to ask your sexual orientation. Team Kevin and Chris argued over the previous nights’ list-based antics and seemed as if they may come to blows. Then, in a swerve for the ages, they turned to each other and, in unison, blamed Roman Reigns for Team Raw’s loss.
Then things got a bit hazy. Rollins wanted another title shot; Roman got YUUGE boos and Foley made the night’s main event a NO DQ title match between Rollins and Owens, with the caveat that Roman and Y2J would be banned from ringside.
Raw’s main event was the definition of a spotfest, almost like Smackdown have got some sort of No DQ PPV coming up and the WWE hate wind in their sails.
Rollins and Owens played the hits, like going through a table, going through a table made of chairs and sitting down on a chair backwards like a cool substitute teacher. The fight made its way into the crowd (y’know, those safely cordoned off parts of the crowd?), which is where was saw Rollins scale an entrance tunnel to avoid being powerbombed and, as the old adage goes, “Babyfaces jump off shit onto the baddies.”
When the fight wound up back at ringside, Rollins was perched on a barrier, perhaps looking to “jump off shit onto a baddie,” only to be shoved off by an overeager fan wearing the mask of a luchadore. “Boo, get that naughty man out of here, for he is spoiling the fun for us all. Nay, in fact, let me Instagram that shit so I can go viral and start selling flat tummy tea,” shouted the WWE Universe, in unison (it was strange). Rollins managed to tear the mask from the face of the offending fan only to be confronted with the furious face of the hometown hero, Chris Jericho (actually he’s from Winnipeg, you idiot).
Anyway, Jericho got involved but wasn’t technically ringside, I guess. Owens took advantage and did the ring apron powerbomb thing for the win (did you know that the apron is the hardest part of the ring?).
Oh, that luchadore mask? It looked an awful lot like one of Sin Cara’s.