Welcome to the most must-see Vulture Hound weekly review in history; welcome to… The Raw Review
Last nights edition of Monday Night Raw did it’s best to overshadow the previous nights Smackdown Live ppv, No Mercy. The longest running weekly episodic show since the birth of our lord and saviour, Vincent Kennedy McMahon, threw up some interesting matches along with the continuation of the Seth Rollins babyface turn. It’s all burning slowly but surely in the right direction. “Wellity, wellity, wellity”, as Homer Simpson once said, it’s time for this weeks Raw Review
Opening the show was my dream girl, Snoop Dogs cousin, oh and the new Raw Women’s Champion, Sasha Banks. In light of her victory during the same week as her hero’s birthday she talked about Eddie Guerrero and Charlotte’s upcoming rematch with her at Hell in a Cell. Upon mention of the latter Charlotte made her way out but was quickly interrupted by the true American hero, Rusev, and his lovely wife, Lana. Annoyingly, WWE Creative have decided to make Rusev stereotypically misogynistic as well as clumsy as he exclaimed that “Hell in a Cell should be reserved for real men”, like him. Charlotte accepted the match and then alongside Banks cleared Rusev and Lana out of the ring. As Rusev climbed back into the ring the old Shield music hit and Roman Reigns charged down to the ring to stare out Rusev. Nothing says “Women’s Revolution” better than a big wet Samoan man coming to save the day. Later on they would pair up in a mixed tag match that would see Reigns and Sasha defeat Charlotte and Rusev. Once again Sasha made Charlotte tap out with the Banks Statement whilst Reigns stood their taking the cheers for Sasha as though they were meant for himself.
We were finally treated to some wrestling when, representing the New Day, Kofi Kingston went one on one with Cesaro, representing Sheasaro… sort of. Kofi defeated Cesaro who had no help from Sheamus that spent the majority of the match on his phone live streaming the event. At least he’s down with the current social media novelties. Kofi won the match after he reversed the Cesaro Swing into a small package. The unAmerican duo then argued after the match in true mismatch tag team partnership form.
Everyones favourite hugger, Bayley, defeated yet another jobber on her way to redemption after falling out of the Raw Women’s title picture. Cami Fields. As expected it was a squash match as she won again with the Bayley to Belly. Taking up her favourite position (I assume), Dana “Brazzers Brooke, jumped Bayley from behind following the match to set up what will probably be the first match of the night at Hell in a Cell.
Sin Cara transmogrified himself into a Cruiserweight to partner up with Lince Dorado against the physical team of Tony Nese and Drew Gulak. In what was the Faceless One’s cruiserweight division debut he was able to assist Lince Dorado who got the pin after an impressive shooting star press on Gulak. The Cruiserweights continue to impress but it would be good to see some feuds happen that fall within the bounds of possibility.
The men formerly known as The Social Outcasts (for which I shamelessly own merchandise), Curtis Axel and Bo Dallas, were in the ring, ready to face the babbling Enzo and Cass. Yet, before they could do so, Anderson and Gallows were on hand to beat them up like they did John Cena. After hitting the Magic Killer on Cass they made their way back up the ramp continuing to exclaim their vow to end the ridiculousness in the tag team division. Anderson and Gallows are now seemingly legit badasses once again and gives way to the thought that maybe the WWE Creative team do actually read my letters to them. With no opponents for Dallas and Axel it was down to Sami Zayn and Neville to defeat the main roster jobbers. Neville won the match with the Red Arrow on Axel whilst Bo Dallas left in revolt possibly setting up a small feud between the former Social Outcast members.
R-Truth beat Titus O’Neil and there really isn’t much to say about this match other than it being an elaborate match set up just to promote the chocolate bar sponsors, Payday. Seriously, Foley set this match up because O’Neil was enraged that R-Truth took away his potential sponsorship. Is there honestly not a better plan for Titus O’Neil? I know he cuts a worse promo than The Shockmaster but at least put him against someone credible for once. He’s a big dude so give him another big dude to lose to. In fact, call him Titus The Shockmaster and have him go against Braun Strowman in what would be the worst feud of all time.
After demanding better competition last week Braun Strowman was technically given just that as he was pitted against not one but two jobbers in a 2 on 1 Handicap match. The Sasquatch used both his finishers, the Running Powerslam and the Reverse Chokeslam, to smash his opponents on top of each other and pick up the victory. Once again immediately after the match Strowman demanded tougher opposition. Who knows, maybe he will be against Titus O’Neil next week? Or probably just 3 jobbers instead of 2.
The biggest talking point of the night saw Paul Heyman waltz his way to the ring and discuss
Whoopi Bill Goldberg’s recent comments that he’d like another match against Brock Lesnar. Heyman challenged the Ryback impersonator to a fight with his client, “any where, any time, any place.” I’d like to say none of us saw this one coming but considering they have been the two men most featured on the WWE 2K17 advertisements this was almost certainly inevitable. Sure, it will be a huge WrestleMania money maker but it won’t be the most energetic of match ups considering old Bill is almost 50 years old and hasn’t wrestled frequently since 2003. We will get a few lifts and slams, probably blood too, but when Lesnar has been brutally putting away opponents since his return to the WWE this should really be used as an opportunity to put over the younger talent. I think what I’m trying to say is that Brock Lesnar putting the already over as (Terry) funk Heath Slater should be the main event of WrestleMania 33.
Captain of the Black Pearl, Brian Kendrick, was sat in on commentary and gave us his life story whilst Cruiserweight Champion TJ Perkins defeated Daivaris little brother with the Kneebar. Hopefully Kendrick be even more aggressive as the weeks go on and continue to beat down Perkins with every chance that he gets. I don’t mean to sound bloodthirsty but Kendrick is doing his best work as a heel and it looks incredible when he lands brutal moves on his opponents. More of this please.
Earlier in the show the Hell in a Cell organising committee of Steph and Foley came to the ring to confirm that Seth Rollins’ rematch against WWE Universal Studios Champion Kevin Owens would take place in Hell in a Cell. Y2KO then made their way to the ring as Owens didn’t want a Hell in a Cell match in order to prolong his career, unlike Foley, who willingly used to throw himself off the then 16ft structure just for our own entertainment. Stephanie posed a solution whereby it would become a triple threat match including Chris Jericho if he could defeat Rollins. Although Owens was at ringside to support his best friend in the whole wide world Rollins was able to reverse a Walls of Jericho into a small package for the pinfall victory. Rightfully so this has saved us all from seeing the JerichOwens feud all too early as this would surely be a WrestleMania match waiting to happen. After the match the Champ, and host of the Kevins Owens show, attacked Rollins. The Architect eventually fought back and hit Jericho with a Pedigree while Owens scarpered away for the second time in as many weeks.
Come back next week where I’ll be surely disappointed by Goldberg’s promo after he buries Braun Strowman in less than 30 seconds.