As Madchester stalwarts Oasis once sang in their hit song, “She’s Electric”, “I need more time… Eccles cakes, sorted, mad fer it and the three rivers etc.” and truer words have never been spoken. I need more time, as a fan of the WWE, because they do more programming than Steve Wozniak in the 70s. I’m Elliot Dyson and I watch Smackdown Live so you don’t have to.

There are PPVs everywhere at the moment – we’re smack bang in between Backlash and No Mercy, while Raw’s “Clash of the Titans” is a mere handful of days away. And I’m tired. Tired as shit. This is going to sound crazy, but I kind of want to watch something that isn’t wrestling…

Early on last night, the brothers Uso and American Alpha competed in a #1 contender’s match for Slater and Rhyno’s tag titles, which Jimmy and Jey won after working the “injured” knee of Chad Gable.
In this match, David Otunga dropped THREE TIMES that he was set of an Adam Sandler movie recently where he spoke to Rikishi. I assume he was going to elaborate each time, but he never quite made it to the meat of the story, which made him seem like a real name-dropping prick.
Shortly after the match, The Usos and Slater and Rhyno had a verbal showdown which culminated in Rhyno crushing his crackers in anger, and I’m serious when I say this is the hottest angle in sports entertainment right now.

"You gon' waste them crackers, uce?"
“You gon’ waste them crackers, uce?”

If you take away one thing from this recap, I believe it should be the following sentence. On his way to the ring to fight Baron Corbin, APOLLO CREWS DIDN’T SMILE EVEN ONCE. This is serious and I’m very scared. New signing, Jack Swagger, joined the team at the commentary desk and made two bold statements: 1) Smackdown Live is the A show. 2) He wants to be WWE World Champion. Now, I assume Jack Swagger understands that those two statements negate each other, as in, if Swagger were to become world champion, Smackdown wouldn’t be “the A show”, and vice versa.
Anyway, Baron Corbin won the match with an End of Days in the middle of the ring proceeded to do the standard stare down with Swagger.

Even Swagger looks bored
Even Swagger looks bored

HERE’S SOME STUFF THAT DIDN’T WARRANT MORE THAN 2 SENTENCES OF COVERAGE:
– Becky Lynch and Alexa Bliss signed their title match contract for No Mercy, which obviously ended in shenanigans.
– The Miz confronted Daniel Bryan about having to defend his IC title later in the show, to which D Bry responded with “if you don’t fight, that’s fine, but I’ll sack your poofter arse,” or something to that effect.
– Curt Hawkins turned up in another pre-taped segment spouting off Chuck Norris facts in a bunch of silly voices, like he was auditioning for Saturday Night Live. Don’t worry, Curt – Lorne Michaels never laughs during the auditions.
– Dolph Ziggler cut another promo about how he’s here to prove himself and all that other shit he says all the time before losing a match.
– The Miz continued his slow-burn feud with Bryan, performing some “Yes kicks” during his title defence with Ziggles.
– Maryse was ejected from ringside for trying her wacky pepper spray antics again.
– The Miz pulled off some wacky pepper spray antics and a skull crushing finale for the win over Nicky from Spirit Squad.
– Do I really even need to tell you who won out of Randy Orton and Erick Rowan? Then Wyatt said he was a god again.
– Nikki Bella and Naomi Vs. Carmella and Natalya ended almost immediately, in a DQ I think.

Dean Ambrose and John Cena had the honour of main eventing Smackdown Live last night and it was a fairly predictable, yet enjoyable affair, with both guys kicking out of each other’s finishers. Now, things took a sharp left turn when Ambrose scored the 3-count on Cena with a roll up. There was still 5 ruddy minutes left of the show, so of course this wasn’t over. AJ Styles ran out and cleared up with a forearm and Pele kick to Cena and Ambrose respectively. Following these phenomenal actions, Daniel Bryan swaggered his way out for the millionth time of the episode and reminded us all of the oddly ignored words of Shane McMahon on last week’s episode. “Dean Ambrose will get a one-on-one title rematch” were those words, according to Daniel, and you know, he’s right, Shane did say that. So, that match was set for next week’s episode of Smackdown Live.
Realistically, that title bout won’t go Ambrose’s way, but it’s a fun ramp up to No Mercy, with him likely getting a good showing and losing in a screwy way.

The face that comes in second place
The face that comes in second place

When the No Mercy Triple Threat was announced, I think the general consensus was that Ambrose was only in that match to take the pin. This week’s events seem like WWE doing their best to legitimise him as an actual contender, and while I’ve made no secret of my anti-fondness for “The Lunatic Fringe”, it’s worth remembering that Smackdown only has about 3 male singles competitors, so he’s going to be in the main event scene for the foreseeable future.

By Elliot Dyson

Prize writer.