WWE put out a lot of content in a week. About a million hours, to be exact. It’s my (unpaid) job to condense that down into something you can skim on the shitter while you count down the hours for the next bleak day to begin.

Uhhm, anyway, here’s what happened on this week’s episode of Smackdown Live:

– Daniel Bryan called Apollo Crews “Apollo Creed” and boy, it was really only a matter of time, wasn’t it?
– WOW BROCK LESNAR TURNED UP, so the brand split literally means nothing.
– No women’s matches actually happened.
– Dean Ambrose tried harder to be cool and blasé than I did in high school.

RIGHT DANIEL!?
RIGHT DANIEL!?

The show began with the best title feud promo we’ve seen all week (take that, Balór and Rollins). Ambrose threw around more “brother”s than Hulk Hogan, because, you know, he’s crazy and cool and kids want to be him and women want to have sex with him, and Ziggler referenced that, in clawing his way to the top, he “came in as a male cheerleader, bro”. Are you telling me that Ziggles was actually Nicky from Spirit Squad this whole time?
Anyway, when Ambrose and Nicky (right?) had finished yelling at each other like parents who forgot their kid was having a sleepover, Bray Wyatt did his whole “aahhhh scary visual effects” thing, and appeared in the middle of the ring, hitting Dolph (from Spirit Squad?) with a Sister Abigail. Then he requested a match with the prone “comedian” with the added stipulation that if Ziggler (you know, from Suicide Squad?) lose, he forfeit his #1 Contendership to Wyatt.

If you wouldn’t mind taking a look at the “Ziggler Heel Turn-o-meter”, I’d like to show you a few things.
– “Screw you!” shouts a rattled Dolph to his GM and Commissioner. Why, a face would never do such a thing to our beloved Daniel and Shane.
– “What would happen if I took off this turnbuckle padding and hit my opponent’s face on the exposed metal?” asks the inquisitive young man. You wouldn’t get disqualified, apparently. But you would be a baddie.
– “Why does nobody believe in me? I’m not gonna smile when I walk down the ramp anymore. You guys don’t deserve my lovely teeth.” Probably because of all those times you lost on the pre show to Baron Corbin. And because of that terrible feud with Rusev last year. And because of, well, everything.

Anyway, Dolph beat Bray with a naughty exposed-turnbuckle shot and a superkick, then Erick Rowan came out and didn’t get immediately pinned by a part timer. In fact, the sheep man dished out some punishment to the champ and his #1 contender. So the Wyatts stood tall at the end of Smackdown Live, because with a roster so thin, everyone has to be beaten and protected at the same time.

In week 2 (3 technically) of their independence, Smackdown started to change up the format a bit. I won’t lie to you, it wasn’t perfect, but it’s a start. They seem to be going for the “real sports show” angle. Renee Young now has a set, a bit like Gary Lineker and the lads on the footy, for post match interviews and the like. Also, when wrestlers walked to the ring, a little flashcard to the right of the screen popped up and told us a few things about them and it looked like this:
Baron Corbin

Good to know that he was a 3-time golden gloves champion, whatever that means. He is about to fight, so I assume this means he’s good at that. This is a good idea, thank you, Smackdown.
That interesting fact part, however, didn’t always tell us something we needed to know. For example, when Kalisto entered the triple threat to determine the #1 Contender for a mid card belt, it told us the date he debuted on Raw, instead of the relevant information of the aforementioned wrestler being a 2-time, different mid-card belt holder.
Also, this:
Dolph Ziggler

Aren’t you glad to know that your #1 Contender for the WWE World Championship is fluent in American Sign Language, and not, oh I don’t know, that he’s a former 2-time World Heavyweight Champion?

Also, some other stuff happened. Here, let me bullet point it for you, baby:

– Apollo Creed Crews won the opportunity to challenge for the IC title at Summerslam by beating Kalisto and Baron Corbin in a triple threat. And in the spirit of protecting everybody except Kalisto, immediately following the match, The Miz Skull Crushing Finale-d Creed Crews, and Corbin End of Daysed the A-Lister.
– Eva Marie’s entrance is amazing, and in her Smackdown Live debut, she feigned an injury before the match had even started, leaving Becky Lynch all like “what the feck?” and herself engulfed in heel heat. I just wish Corey Graves was on Smackdown to swoon over her.
– Renee welcomed Carmella to her new desk, who said something about being a walking catchphrase, when Natty “Not-A-Natural-Heel” Neidhart turned up and set up her next pointless feud. Seriously though, these women don’t have a title to fight for, so why do any of them care? This beef culminated in the second women’s match of the night that didn’t actually happen. Natalya interrupted Carmella’s t-shirt sales pitch entrance with a bunch of fists and a sharpshooter, thus proving once again that, if your finisher is a submission move, it’s boring to watch you ambush people.
– American Alpha beat The Vaudevillains in about 5 minutes, proving once and for all that the spirit of The Ascension lives on in Aiden English and Simon Gotch.
– AJ Styles and Cena did their heel/face promo thing by yelling at each other like people who aren’t paid to fight, setting up Summerslam rubber match. Although, is it a rubber match if Cena’s win wasn’t one on one? It probably should be BECAUSE I’M BORED OF THIS FEUD.
– Randy Orton was facing Fandango (because Fandango was upset about Orton calling him irrelevant or something at Battleground), but big shock, Brock Lesnar turned up and waltzed past the dozens of security guards to deliver an F5 to Randall Keith Orton.

Oh, security guards can't stop this guy? Who'da thunk it!?
Oh, security guards can’t stop this guy? Who’da thunk it!?

Before I let you go back to the numbness of your life, I want to say something.
It would appear that Smackdown’s top belt is now called the WWE World Championship, not the WWE Championship, or the WWE World Heavyweight Championship. So, “World” is back in the mix. But, if Raw’s new top belt is going to be “Universal”, then isn’t that suggesting that Smackdown’s belt is a lesser title? There’s no getting around it – the universe is bigger than the world.

The universe is bigger than the world.

OK BYE.

By Elliot Dyson

Prize writer.