So I opened up VultureHound.co.uk on Tuesday morning to see that pile of hot garbage, Bradley Tiernan, has been welcomed back to The Raw Review with open arms, like nothing ever happened. Well, let me remind you, Bradley Tiernan is a disgrace to this business and a terrible role model to the young readers of Vulture Hound. We have a talent and wellness policy for a reason and I won’t stand idly by as this sub-par writer is forced upon us all, week after week. This injustice stung even more when I noticed the review I wrote for Raw was shunned for being, and I quote, “written by a nobody”. I AM A PRIZEWRITER! And I will keep delivering content that’s consistently better than Brad’s until the editors can no longer deny the people what they desire.

And with the pleasantries out of the way, let us discuss the WWE Brand Extension Draft.
The WWE have kindly recapped all the picks on their website, so I’m not gonna waste anyone’s time by writing them out here.

“Smackdown Live”, as they insist on calling it (just in case we forget) began with an arena of people “yessing” along to current Smackdown GM’s theme music, and I fear this show will soon become just like your gran’s pantry – home of the cheap pop. Before we knew it, the draft was underway, separated into rounds of 5 picks (3 for Raw, 2 for Smackdown). There was poor mic work all around, and plenty of Stephanie singing people’s themes. The first 5 rounds were televised: they featured 3 NXT call-ups and absolutely no surprises. The remaining 6 rounds were shown on WWE Network’s Draft Center Live, which is where we found the other 3 NXT call-ups.

“Hey Elliot, don’t dick me around like Brad always does when he tries and worm in his dumb jokes.” You got it, kid!

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Titles:
– Raw currently have the Tag Team, USA and Women’s titles.
– Smackdown (LIVE!!!) currently have the WWE and Intercontinental titles. I say currently because there’s theoretically a chance some of these titles could switch brands on Sunday.

NXT:
– Raw drafted Finn Balor and Nia Jax
– Smackdown picked Jordan & Gable (American Alpha), Alexa Bliss, Mojo Rawley and Carmella.
– Bayley didn’t get drafted, but the internet assumes she’ll be Sasha’s “mystery partner” in the women’s match at Battleground. I personally hope it’s Eva Marie because I like it when the Internet is wrong.

So Balor, Gallows and Anderson are all gonna be on the same brand (I smell a sequel!). Mojo Rawley and Zack Ryder are both on Smackdown, so I guess Broski’s half push is gonna end in a Hype Bros reunion. Carmella is still not with Enzo and Cass (and I still don’t care about any of those walking t-shirt printers).

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Notable other stuff:
– Raw drafted a returning Neville. Is that a surprise? Does anyone care at all?
– Bray Wyatt and Erick Rowan gave Braun Strowman a big smelly cuddle goodbye as he got sent to Raw.
– Roman Reigns was drafted to Raw in round 2, along with fellow wellness policy breakers, The Ascension. Oh no, wait, they were in round 8…
– There are women on both rosters. Suck it, Internet knowitalls.
– Sami Zayn and Kevin Owens are still on the same roster (Raw).
– Heath Slater didn’t get drafted (probably because he was injured the other night at a house show). The other Social Outcasts are on Raw, so…
– We still don’t know anything about the Cruiserweight division (does it have a championship belt or anything?)

Breezango:
– Still intact
– Still aerogigantic.
– You can catch them dominating the tag team division every Tuesday night on Smackdown LIIIIIVVVVVVEEEEE.

ALSO! There was some wrestling on the first Smackdown VIVO!

– John Cena beat Festus. I mean, Luke Gallows. This match ran through the commercial break, but, like, we could still see it. Like, next to the adverts, there was a little screen with some boring wrestling on it.
– Darren Young and Zack Ryder scored a clean win over The Miz and Rusev. Miz tapped out to a crossface chicken wing. It was okay. Don’t lose any sleep over missing it. You’re a busy guy, I get it.
– Xavier Woods lost in a singles match with Bray Wyatt.
– “Demon” Kane double-chokeslammed Sami Zayn and Kevin Owens. That seemed like a weird choice.
– Charlotte and Dana Brooke defeated Sasha Banks in a 2 on 1 match. Well, that settles it – Sasha should definitely bring a partner to their match on Sunday.
– Jericho beat Cesaro (the latter of whom was drafted 28th!?)
– Becky Lynch interrupted a match between Natalya and Alicia Fox (who, lucky for us, did not appear onscreen because we just can’t comprehend more than 6 active women wrestlers at a time. We’re just simple men!)
– Ambrose retained the WWE Title over Rollins in a match that was okay, but not as good as the previous night’s bout. Smackdown is already the B show. Good work, writers!

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And on an apologetic note, I am very sorry this time-sensitive article is being posted 2 days after the event – tyrannical dictator of all WWE reviews, Bradley Tiernan, demanded the chance to rewrite this article. I woke up to a message this morning saying “sorry man, I fell asleep at 18:30 and now I have to go to work. I’m sure the article is passable,” which I assume is code for “I was up late taking performance enhancing drugs and laughing at Internet memes.” I would like to motion that if Vulture Hound held a “brand extension draft”, Brad would be Heath Slatered.

By Elliot Dyson

Prize writer.