The Fifth Divergent Hunger Maze!

Did you see the Hunger Games films? They were ok weren’t they? I mean I missed one of them out but it didn’t seem to make a massive difference to my viewing experience. Did you see any of the Divergent films? Full disclosure, I haven’t. But I’ve read the books and they were pretty bad so that’s something. My point is, you probably don’t need to watch this film. I wouldn’t bother. That one set in a maze? I’m sure that was fine as well.

In fact, let’s, you and I together, create our own one of these teen dystopian jobbies:

Think of a setting. Don’t think too hard, just make it the area around your house but wang it into the future. You get to choose how far into the future it is but that’s about all you can choose.

Think of a problem. Probably best to go with some vague anti-authoritarian theme for this like a government organisation or something. Or aliens. Aliens will do in a pinch but teens like to rail against the man and who are you to deny them? That’s right, you’re no-one…yet. Soon you will a publishing sensation.

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No choice on protagonist I’m afraid. It should really be a teenage girl. This is because they tend to buy more books than teenage boys. Sticker albums are a different story but if you want to flog a novel and the ensuing film adaptation, for the really big moolah, your character should be capable of menstruating. They should also have a younger sibling. This provides Jeopardy! And Human Conflict! And Drama! Which is all as well for nothing else will.

Probably whack some other sexy teens in there as well. Not too many, just a hodge podge of archetypes. Sexy archetypes. They don’t have to do a lot, just argue with your protagonist and/or enter into a virginal romance. Absolutely no shagging until the third book, this is essential as hopefully your burgeoning young masturbators in the audience will grow with you. It’s a loyal demographic but you can’t intimidate the sexless in the first film. The Fifth Wave breaks this covenant; thus, they fail.

The above project, which I will call “The Sexy Outsider Hammerball Trilogy!” (for your title ideally will raise both questions and the possible spectre of a competitive element) is also, coincidentally, the plot of The Fifth Wave which features the astonishingly symmetrical face of Chloe Moretz being given not a lot to do. Which is a shame because I like her a lot. I also like Live Shriber. This is a deliberate misspelling because I like to imagine his name is an instruction to live as he does. He is great in this but frankly, like Moretz, he isn’t given a lot to work with.

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Aliens attack, people are confused and then they die and then some other stuff happens which means that our teens have to do stuff to save the day. I don’t really feel I can reveal too much more of the plot because, tissue paper thin as it is, I’d rather be giving the game away.

The script is lame, the characters two dimensional and the plot is total toss. I suspect were I thirteen I might have enjoyed it enormously but I’m not and I didn’t.

Honestly, I wouldn’t bother. Just go and see The Hunger Games again. Or don’t. Do something else. Like watch The Last Witch Hunter (presumably again), it’s just as stupid and poorly executed but at least there isn’t a grimacing teenager in sight.

A begrudging 3/5. There isn’t much wrong with it. It’s just formulaic guff.

 

Dir: J Blakeson

Scr: Susannah Grant, Akiva Goldsman, Jeff Pinker

Cast: Chloe Grace Moretz, Matthew Zuk, Gabriela Lopez, Ron Livingston

Prd: Lynn Harris, Graham King, Tobey Maguire, Matthew Plouffe 

DOP: Enrique Chediak

Music: Henry Jackman

Country: USA

Year: 2016

Run time: 112 mins

 

The 5th Wave is available on Blu-Ray and DVD now.