Looking for a new city to live in? Can somehow inhabit fictional realms? Then let this guide be your virtual estate agent. Thanks to the magic of television, we can jump to conclusions about the inherent danger in some of the UK and US’s notable cities. Here are some of the worst offenders for…well, offenders.

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New York

Okay, there are Jessica Jones and Daredevil stomping around claiming to make the city a safer place to live. That’s sounds nice until you remember the reason they’re celebrated in the first lace. Heroes are only necessary because residents have a 98% probability of being murdered in an extravagant fashion or merely to prove a point. Combined with the influence of CSI‘s killers of the week, it’s a Marvel (punnnsss!) there are any residents left. Even more amazing, the tourist industry seems unaffected.

miami

Miami

Miami is the stomping ground of the Bay Harbour Butcher, Dexter‘s infamous alter-ego. While he himself only targets murderers, his victims don’t On the bright side, your death may be avenged, but those odds aren’t favourable. Most people would choose to simply survive. Of course, there’s also another CSI spin-off offing residents left, right and centre. Burn Notice, an under-appreciated show if ever there was one, also chose the city for its crime showcase. To die on that show was probably a more elaborate affair, though, as spies and drug lords apparently are fans of style.

baltimore

Baltimore

So, New York and Miami but not Las Vegas- the original CSI stomping ground? That’s right. Because only one series springs to mind for Vegas. Homicide: Life on the Street was set in Baltimore, and a title like that is not going to direct your imagination to crime free neighbourhoods and excellent school districts. It was not even a short-lived series. Seven seasons equalling 122 episodes of death and despair. That alone is enough to get a mention. Baltimore also provided the backdrop to The Wire, a series turning perpetual misery into high-class (class, like drugs. More of those puns) drama. Not everything leans towards gritty in the Maryland city, Hannibal offered the opportunity for residents to be given an elaborate, and strangely aesthetically pleasing, death.

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London

Luther, Sherlock, many, many crime dramas that had their location chosen after a meeting that took about 30 seconds. London is the place to go in England if living isn’t your thing. Ask a Northerner, though, and any crime drama using London as a setting for 6 murders in 60 minutes is just accuracy. Soap operas have to get in on the misery. Even when it’s not celebrating Christmas with a casual family tragedy, EastEnders fails to offer residents a glimmer of hope. They are unaware that there is a life outside the bottomless pit of despair apparently contained within the city limits.

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Manchester

According to out TV, there are only really two prime locations in which crime happens (not counting Midsomer because it’s, y’know, not real). Life on Mars and Cracker stand out as some of the best shows to use the Northern city as a backdrop, but Coronation Street even has to be commended for its fondness for disposing of characters. Though, even if the street had a 100% survival rate, it still seems like a grim place to call home.

Special mention for Shameless– not as much mortal peril but didn’t advertise the area as a thriving metropolis.

BONUS:

Anywhere the Doctor visits in a quest to help people. See a TARDIS? Emigrate.