As kids we are often warned either by our elders, or cats voiced by Kenny Everett, not to piss about in the kitchen. With good cause too as the kitchen, the most dangerous room of all homesteads, is a stainless steel land of death.

Managing to combine fire, boiling water, electricity, slippery floors, sharp implements and  pseudo-radioactive devices, the kitchen presents a clear and present danger to your family’s security.
I would know, having once put my fingers in a toaster slot and slicing my hand open on a can of luncheon meat (not in the same incident.)

Hollywood and co. aren’t oblivious to this hazardous battleground, as the kitchen has featured prominently in many movie fights, allowing for some great, wince-inducing brawls to grace the land of hardened edges and pronged cutlery.

Here are some of the very best main events of culinary mayhem. As a rule it has to be mostly fisticuffs based, no gunfights allowed. Because that’s cheating.

daylights
The Living Daylights (1987)
Necros vs Unnamed Agent
Tools of the Trade:
Walkman, Tea Trolley, Rolling Pin, Frying Pan, Grill, Flour, Electric Breadknife, Breakaway Shelves, Carving Knife.

Russian assassin Necros (Andreas Wisniewski) armed with an 80’s Walkman and a cassette of The Pretenders, engages in a knock-down, drag-out slobberknocker with an anonymous MI5 agent (Bill Weston) Fully utilising every item to hand, and edited at a blistering pace, this is not only one of the best fights on this list, but in the entire Bond franchise, even though 007 himself isn’t involved.

grem
Gremlins (1984)
Gremlins vs Lynn Peltzer
Tools of the Trade:
Aerosol, Blender, Kitchen Knife, TV Tray, Microwave, Dinner Plates.

One of the most obvious contenders. Totally outnumbered and unprepared for the little bastards reign of terror, Lynn Peltzer (Francis McCain) uses brilliant Bourne-esque improvisation and an array of everyday household appliances to come out on top in gory fashion, turning her cackling opposition into mush.

 

xmen


X-Men: Days Of Future Past (2014)

Quicksilver vs Pentagon Guards
Tools of The Trade:
Lightning Speed, Dinner Plates & Jim Croce’s “Time in a Bottle”

Pinned down during the jailbreak of Magneto, Mutant teen Quicksilver (Evan Peters) hits the play button on his Walkman and uses his high-speed powers to protect his friends, taste a soup and steal a hat, whilst simultaneously manipulating bullets and causing guards to punch themselves out. Not the most legitimate of fights, but a fantastic, funny and showstopping sequence which is fully deserving of a place here.

 

cheflouis
The Little Mermaid (1989)
Sebastian vs Chef Louis
Tools of the Trade:
Fish Sauce, Bread Stuffing, Boiling Water, Frying Pan, Grill, Meat Fork, Crab Claws, Rack of Pots, Meat Cleaver, Mallet.

Finding himself on dry land and out of his depth, Sebastian the crab uses his speed and wits to outsmart massive French stereotype Chef Louis, who falls foul of his own raging clumsiness. Undaunted, Louis returns for a rematch at the film’s climax, where he loses once again to the Jafakecan crustacean.

 

guest
Guest House Paradiso (1999)
Richie vs Eddie
Tools of the Trade:
Metal Jug, Fire Extinguisher, Meat Hook, Nutcrackers, Egg, Fridge, Window

The Bottom TV series was famous for its anarchic carnage, which was transferred to the big screen in this so-so feature film. Amongst the picture’s many battles is this extended kitchen war, with an array of painful and cringe-inducing moments. It’s a back and forth blast of nihilism that ultimately sees Richie (Rik Mayall) just squeeze out a victory, a short-lived one at that.

 

gummo
Gummo (1997)
Brother vs Brother
Tools of the Trade:
Meaty Fists & a terrifying sense of “good natured fun”

Harmony Korine’s delirious white-trash drama features many jaw-dropping sequences. One of them is this punch-up between two brothers (Jason & Casey Guzak) who quickly escalate from gentle ribbing to straight up smacking the shit out of each other, whilst still maintaining a “just japes” mentality about the whole affair. A vicious sequence. Nobody wins, either sibling, or the viewer.

 

spy
Spy (2015)
Susan Cooper vs Lia
Tools of The Trade:
Carving Knives, Vegetables, Tray, Tea-Towel, Wok, Baguette, Pan, Cleaver, Plates, Shelf Unit.

A great and expertly performed fight. Agent Cooper (Melissa McCarthy) battles exotic hitwoman Lia (Nargis Fakhri) in a restaurant kitchen. Fending off Lia’s martial arts skills and masterful knife-wielding technique with a deadly defence of bread and cauliflower, Cooper miraculously reigns supreme at the climax of this intense but wonderfully funny battle.

 

finaldest


Final Destination (2000)

Death vs Valerie Lewton
Tools of the Trade:
Cracked Mug, Exploding Monitor, Laminate flooring, Exploding Oven, Kitchen Knife, Dining Chair, Flaming Alcohol.

In a scene that sums up the grotesque humour of the Final Destination franchise perfectly, schoolteacher Valerie Lewton (Kristen Cloke) falls prey to a serious of hilariously contrived mishaps in what becomes the most violent Tom & Jerry sequence ever. Death remains undefeated, making him/her and Ronda Rousey the most unstoppable beings in the universe.

 

justice
Out For Justice (1991)
Gino Felino vs Richie Madano
Tools of The Trade:
Shelving Unit, Carving Knife, Rolling Pin, Window, another Frying Pan, Corkscrew

No-shits-given cop Gino Felino (Steven Seagal) riding high on a wave of casual violence and misogyny, gatecrashes the party of scumbag Richie Madano (William Forsythe) and splatters him all over the house. The entirely one-sided fight moves to the kitchen, where Gino stands disinterested whilst Richie fails to put him away with one utensil after another, earning himself a corkscrew to the fo’head for his trouble. Couldn’t happen to a nicer guy.

 

raid2kit


The Raid 2 (2014)
Rama vs The Assassin
Tools of The Trade:
Karambit Knives, Hostess Trolley, Metal Tray, Bottle, Wine Rack, Cabinet, Glass Doors

The bloodiest and grimmest of all the rumbles featured here, Raid 2‘s lengthy and climactic kitchen fight has hero Rama (Iko Uwais) standoff against the masterful Assassin (Cecep Arif Rahman). Against a backdrop of pure white tiles and solid steel, the two men engage in an absolutely gut-churning fight to the death, culminating in the soggy demise of The Assassin, who ends up meat-hooked on the end of his own Karambit.
You’re gonna need a bigger mop.

There you have it, proof positive that sandwich making can become a life and death struggle in the blink of an eye.
Think of any others? why not add them in the comments, and hey, let’s be careful out there.