Just like witches at black masses. In no way.

Well, that was…fine.

War Pigs, directed by Ryan Little, is a story of a ragtag band of rebels and misfits (aren’t they always?) doing war stuff during dubbleya dubbleya too. To be honest, after the opening salvo of floaty words pronouncing that while Churchill and co. thought that the war would be over by xmas, the Americans were “just trying to stay alive”, I was all set to hate this film. But then, being British I am automatically averse to historical bollocks like this. Fortunately then it improves somewhat.

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Luke Goss from Bros is our hero, a military man who due to following his “fubar” orders gets some people killed, he is all set for a court martial but then Mickey Rourke shows up as himself (he hasn’t even had a damned haircut, I mean really). He believes that Goss from Bros is just the sort of ragtag rebel misfit to bring a band of ragtag rebel misfits into order and then thrust that ragtaggish man-misfit-missile into the heart of enemy territory. Our hero is a bit dubious but, thankfully, Dolph Lundgren is on hand to help him. He’s French! We know this because he wears a little hat and says “D’Accord” a lot. This is extremely funny. Sample dialogue:

“Ze art of ze knife, and eet is a deadly art”

Yes indeed, Dolph! Pointy end first is it?

A sequence follows where Goss from Bros and Dans Le Lundgren plunge the men: Bippity, Boppity and Boo (their names really aren’t important, rest assured though that they are every bit as misfitty and ragtag as you hope) through some unconventional training methods (tits! Grenades!) and slowly but surely they become a unit. They do some stuff, Colonel Rourke shows up and sends them on a mission. Problems occur and they sort it, unconventionally.

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The film rattles along at a decent enough pace and while the soldiers: Poopy, Piper and Pete, don’t actually have characters this isn’t a huge problem because this film does exactly what it promises and no more. I mean they are fine, Crabbity Foo is a bit gobby and they call one of them (Winkles I think) “Kid” – because he’s the youngest and that’s as far as we get with characterisation. At one point Je mappele Dolph smokes a little pipe while he wears his little hat and Goss from Bros looks stern and speaks dead gravelly but these, let us not kid ourselves, are just military archetypes. Thanking heavens for small mercies though, I can’t remember at any point hearing one of them talking about getting home to their sweetheart so that’s something.

Honestly, I quite enjoyed it. It isn’t, as the accompanying literature promises, “Packed with brilliant performances and mind-blowing action” (if this does blow your mind, develop a more robust mind) and nor is it “An essential addition to any war film collection!” but it is entertaining enough in a knockabout way. Basically, if it was Sunday and it came on telly while the roast cooked, I’d watch it again. The literature should say “Featuring some performances” and “the perfect addition to a cup of milky tea” and you are basically there.

2/5

Dir: Ryan Little

Scr: Adam Emerson, Steven Luke

Starring: Luke Goss, Dolph Lundgren, Chuck Liddell, Mickey Rourke

Prd: Luke Daniels, Steven A. Lee, Steven Luke, Brad Scott, Chad A. Verdi

DOP: Ty Arnold

Music: Alex Kharlamov

Country: USA

Year: 2015

Run time: 91 mins

War Pigs is available on DVD and VOD now.