The Linus Report: Lucha Underground, 05/08/2015

Hey, it’s Lucha Underground! It’s the two-hour season finale – it’s ULTIMA LUCHA!

The show started with a graphic dedicating tonight’s show to the memory of “Rowdy” Roddy Piper, “the original rudo”, which was a lovely touch for a company who had no connection with him.

They showed a video package re-capping pretty much the entire series and then the announcers – Matt Striker and some guy called Michael Schiavello, who sounded a weird mix of Australian and South African – welcomed us the to the show. No musical guests this week, so straight on with the show!

Melissa Santos, dressed up all nice, introduced the combatants for the first match, a grudge match between Johnny Mundo and Alberto el Patrón!

These two had a barnstormer using the whole of the ground floor of the Temple in a spirited brawl which saw Alberto chasing and dragging Mundo all over. Mundo spent some time hiding under the ring, and kicked Alberto in the face when he was hitting a topé out onto him, before hitting a corkscrew dive of his own.

Alberto locked on his armbar but Mundo made the ropes, and then Mundo hit the End of the World but Alberto kicked out. The referee went down and Alberto locked on the armbar again. Mundo tapped but there was no referee to see it. Alberto locked in another armbar, over the ropes, and MELINA ran in and clocked him with his own AAA Megacampeon belt. Mundo hit another End of the World and the referee recovered to count the pin.

After the match, Mundo celebrated with Melina, who the announcers told us had been out of wrestling for five years (she was in WWE with Mundo). Alberto popped up and threw Mundo out of the ring, into the barricade, and then through a glass door. Melina tried to attack Alberto but he spanked her and celebrated in the ring as Melina cradled a bloodied Mundo. Great opener.

Backstage, Dragón Azteca found Black Lotus in her cell. He told her he would get her out of there but Dario Cueto walked in. Cueto said Dragón had broken the treaty and the punishment was death. He fingered his giant key but then he said he wouldn’t need it and Black Lotus strangled Dragón and death-punched him in the spine.

Cueto offered his hand to Lotus and said that they had to get out of there and he was the only one who could help her. She asked about Matanza and Cueto unlocked his cage and said he was coming with them…

Hey, it’s Melissa Santos! She introduced the next match – the Cero Miedo match between Vampiro and Pentagón Jr! Yes! The one you’ve all been waiting for! And how weird is it to say that about Vampiro in 2015???

Pentagón Jr came out in a natty new white t-shirt. Someone is bleeding later. Then Vampiro came out, dressed as a cardinal, but for some really fucked-up sect. Pentagón Jr whacked Vampiro with a chair and the match was ON.

Pentagón Jr beat Vampiro all around ringside and removed the padding on the floor before slamming him onto the bare concrete. He whacked him with a chair a few more times and the referee threw up the DREADED X to signal that Vampiro was, gulp, injured. The medical team came out and they stretchered Vampiro away and the show went to a commercial break.

After the break, they were stretchering Vampiro out of the arena when he woke up and smacked the medic. He got off the stretcher and stumbled back to the ring, where he hit a dropkick on Pentagón Jr. He grabbed a bag of thumbtacks, poured them in the middle of the ring, and then slammed Pentagón Jr right onto them. Vampiro went up top for a dive but missed and landed on the thumbtacks himself (the Joe Líder factor).

Pentagón Jr went under the ring and grabbed some LIGHT TUBES and whacked them over Vampiro’s head, before carving into his skull with one. Vampiro bled and Pentagón Jr licked his hand, which was covered in said blood. MEXICO! He kicked Vampiro in the head and grabbed some more light tubes.

Vampiro fought back and grabbed the light tubes, setting them in a corner. He threw Pentagón Jr into them and then ripped at his mask, and then smashed some more light tubes over Pentagón Jr’s head. With Pentagón Jr also bleeding, Vampiro hit a belly-to-belly off the top rope and then grabbed a table, and some lighter fluid, and started a fire on the table.

BUT! Pentagón Jr came back and slammed Vampiro onto the table, where he caught fire and had to roll out of the ring to put out the flames. A man squirted him with a fire extinguisher and then Pentagón Jr pinned him on the floor for the win. Awesome.

After the match, Vampiro demanded that Pentagón Jr break his arm, like he’d done to all his other “victims”. Pentagón Jr told his mysterious master he had accomplished what he needed to do and then Vampiro exposed himself as Pentagón Jr’s master. He told Pentagón Jr that he was ready and embraced him in the ring, calling him his “son”.

Here’s the thing: Dave Meltzer spoiled this for me a few weeks ago and it didn’t make sense. But seeing it on the screen it made perfect sense, if you accept that Vampiro is insane and that we’ve been watching Ian (EEEYAN!) Hodgkinson do commentary all this time. Great storytelling.

With no time to catch your breath, they got straight on with the next match – the Gift of the Gods match. Let me re-cap: the winner of this match will own the Gift of the Gods belt, containing all seven ancient Aztec medallions. He can use that belt to demand a shot at the Lucha Underground title, but only with one week’s notice. If he hangs onto it too long he can be challenged for it, and once the shot is cashed in, the medallions are scattered again, starting the whole process all over again…

So this was a seven-way, between Aero Star, Bengala, Big Ryck, Jack Evans, Fenix, King Cuerno & Sexy Star, all the winners of the medallions in recent weeks. And it was an all-out spotfest that, as such things do on Lucha Underground, worked just fine.

They did a ton of stuff, and even the Sexy Star haters (you know who you are!) can’t have had too many problems with it. Aero Star did a HUGE dive from the top of the Temple and King Cuerno hit his sweet, sweet topé suicida.

There was some interference, too. Daivari came out to chastise Big Ryck for choosing Dario Cueto’s money over his, and Marty “The Moth” Martinez hit the ring, still angry at Sexy Star for stealing “his” medallion. She despatched him and he landed near Melissa Santos, who visibly squirmed.

Fénix won the match – and the Gift of the Gods belt – when he pinned Jack Evans after a piledriver. Evans had a Tarantula locked on him until he broke out, with King Cuerno the odd man out in the finishing sequence.

By this point in the show we’d had three awesome matches and three huge surprises, but even the fastest cars need to slow down once in a while, right? And so we got Texano (Jr) versus Blue Demon Jr, a battle over just who is Mexico and who isn’t. Texano is named after an American state, and Blue Demon Jr was announced as residing in Florida. *shrug*

Blue Demon Jr came down to the ring with The Crew, nattily dressed in suits. They handed a note to Melissa, who announced that, as a favour from Dario Cueto and due to Blue Demon Jr’s legendary status, this match would be No DQ. Texano protested but what can you do, eh?

Texano got the shine right from the bell, and even took down The Crew when they interfered. But numbers told and The Crew held him while Blue Demon Jr grabbed a kendo stick.

Suddenly, Chavo Guerrero Jr appeared, with a chair. He scared The Crew and Blue Demon Jr away with it, and then hit Texano. He handed the chair over to Blue Demon Jr, who also hit Texano. Guerrero Jr, Blue Demon Jr, and The Crew all stood and bowed to the crowd, who were furious at their rudo shenanigans. In a perfect world, a ton of luchadores would have swarmed in and attacked them – FOR MEXICO! – but it’s far from a perfect world and, instead, the jerks won.

Backstage, Prince Puma and Mil Muertes were both shown heading towards the ring for their title match – up next!

Hey, it’s our main event! It’s Prince Puma versus Mil Muertes for the Lucha Underground championship! Muertes was in full Aztec headdress and had Catrina with him. Puma had the stuffed puma on his head but Konnan – kidnapped in a coffin two weeks ago – was nowhere to be seen.

They traded blows early doors, with Muertes’s strength telling. Puma hit a huracanrana but Muertes knocked him to the outside. They fought into the crowd, and then back down to ringside, where Puma used Catrina as a weapon, picking her up and swinging her around like a battering ram.

Muertes came back and threw Puma into the front row, scattering chairs. He tried to throw Puma into the barricade but Puma flipped over and kicked him instead.

Puma set up a table but Muertes clattered him before he could use it. He threw Puma into the Temple stairs and then powerbombed him on the steel steps in a really ouchy way. Seriously, I winced more at that than at anything in the Vampiro match.

Puma recovered enough to attempt a dive out onto Muertes but Muertes whacked him with a chair. He then put the chair in the corner, stuck in the ropes, and threw Puma towards it. Puma stopped short, hit back, and then sidestepped a Muertes speasr and Muertes hit the chair in the corner. Puma hit a kick and scored a nearfall.

Puma went up top and hit a corkscrew moonsault, but Muertes moved at the last minute. They traded blows and Puma hit a German suplex. Muertes popped up and speared Puma through the ropes, and through the table on the outside, collapsing the legs on one side with the impact but not breaking it. Putting that right, Muertes picked up Puma and powerbombed him through the rest of the table.

Back in the ring, Muertes hit a chokeslam but Puma found some FIRE! with a superkick and a spin kick. He hit the 630 splash but Muertes kicked out. Puma went up for another 630 splash, but Muertes moved. Muertes waited for Puma to get up, then hit a spear and a Flatliner for a nearfall. Puma went up top again but Muertes followed him up and hit a Flatliner off the top rope for the win. Mil Muertes is your new Lucha Underground champion! And that was a war!

After the match, Catrina licked Prince Puma and the Disciples of Death joined her and Mil Muertes in the ring, displaying all four title belts, as the announcers ended the show.

BUT! backstage, in Dario Cueto’s office, Black Lotus was packing stuff up. Cueto came in and told her they had to go and they left but he came back for his bull. They went outside and they got in a car with a horse trailer attached. As they drive off we got a glimpse of MATANZA! through a hole in the trailer…

THEN! Fénix got into his swank car – phoenix logo on the bonnet, natch – and drove off. King Cuerno followed close behind him in his pick-up truck…

AND! Marty “The Moth” Martinez had Sexy Star all tressed up in a dark room. He promised to introduce her to his sister…

PLUS! Son of Havoc walked outside to find Angélico on a motorbike. They agreed to go after the Trios titles and Havoc asked Ivelisse if she was up for one last ride. She made him get on the back of her bike…

FURTHERMORE! Aero Star and Drago shook hands and said they’d meet again. Then Drago flew off in flames and Aero Star turned into a meteor or something…

MOREOVER! Vampiro and Pentagón Jr said they’d take things to a very dark place…

ADDITIONALLY! a mysterious guy – possibly the guy in the hoodie from last week – put on Dragón Azteca’s mask and spray painted a question mark on the Lucha Underground sign on the roof of the temple…

FINALLY! Dario Cueto was shown in the Temple as the lights went off behind him. He smiled and the screen faded to black…

This was an Awesome Show. Seriously, Show Of The Year right here. And the horrible thing is that it may be the last we see of this fantastic show. Still, hope springs eternal, and there’s a chance it’ll be back in the autumn, so let’s think positively, eh?

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