God Damn the Child – Infernal (DVD Review)

A man and his wife have a devil child. 

…That’s it…

So you think the devil is scary?  Nothing is scarier than the crystal clear realisation that you are wasting over an hour of your weekend, worst of all your life watching a REALLY bad fucking movie.

Yes, complete with really bad acting and even worse, really bad parents.  There is so much foul language flying about this young girl’s ears that if ever she were to turn around and say “your mother sucks cocks in hell”, mommy and daddy would have no one to blame but themselves.  That criticism might seem hypocritical considering I myself have dropped the F bomb, but it’s a free country and I ain’t nobody’s daddy!

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The dialogue is about as pitiful as it can get.  Most of it is uninteresting and pointless – particularly the “wedding video”.  Any relevant speech is repeated ad nauseam, and it points out the obvious so often one can only conclude that this film’s target is audience comes under the category of: thick as shit.

One thing that the makers should have been able to avoid altogether is that whether or not they are aware the fire of their slow-burn found footage movie had extinguished long before they even began, any fear or tension they subsequently stumble upon will be lost if they take 2 minutes out at the 50+ minute mark to plug a track by their favourite singer/best friend’s indie pop rock band.

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And if you’re going to actually show the demon that is grooming your devil child, don’t make it yellow and don’t make it look like a gargoyle/monkey/back-up dancer from lame, piece-of-shit back alley play.

Quite the glorious coincidence that the second meaning of the film’s title fits it right down to a tee: irritating and tiresome.  Infernal by name.  Infernal by nature.  Even the scares flat-line before you even know they’ve happened.

Save yourself from damnation by avoiding this shit heap of a movie.  In the off-chance that my written word has invoked the rebel within you, be merciful to the other people in your life by hanging a sign on your bedroom/living room door that reads “Abandon all hope, ye who enter here”.

1/5

Dir: Bryan Coyne

Scr: Bryan Coyne

Starring: Andy Ostroff, Heather Adair, Alyssa Koerner

Prd: Bryan Coyne, Shawn Coyne, Richard Marincic, Josh Russell, Sierra Russell

DOP: Zach Voytas

Country: US

Year: 2015

Run time: 99 mins

Infernal is out on DVD from 24 August via Signature Entertainment.