Hey, it’s WWE Smackdown! It’s that show that only has half a crew because the rest have gone to Japan!

The show started with – oh Christ, not again! – Seth Rollins and J&J Security coming down to the ring. Rollins re-capped the opening segment from Raw, which was long enough the first time, and then re-capped the closing segment from Raw, which was long enough then to make a man want to die, and really didn’t need going over again. Anyway, the upshot was that Rollins said that Roman Reigns wasn’t in the building and probably wouldn’t show up and they took a long time to get to that.

Thankfully, Dean Ambrose was on hand to put an end to all this guff, and came out to interrupt Rollins’s circle jerk. Then he seemed to think better of it and went back again. Rollins and J&J smirked but then Ambrose came back out with a kendo stick and charged the ring. After some to-and-fro, he cleared the ring and Rollins retreated to the ramp. He made matches for the show – Ambrose versus Bray Wyatt, and himself versus Roman Reigns. And then said that Ambrose’s match could start right away.

So Bray Wyatt came out for the opening match and he took forever to get to the ring. They must have been seriously short on time this week. And then he & Ambrose had their match and Wyatt won clean with Sister Abigail because apparently Ambrose is a mid-carder now?

After a break, Adam Rose and Rosa Mendes were in the ring. Rose did his thing about the fans being “jelly” of them and another small piece of me died. I wonder where Ray Lappan goes in his head when he’s out there doing this?

Rose was out there to fight R-Truth, who came out in his “king” get-up – a sheet, a tin-foil crown, and a plunger for a sceptre. I guess because he’s retarded? Anyway, Truth got the win in under two minutes – less than the time it took Bray Wyatt to get to the ring – with the Lie Detector in a match that would have looked redundant on a house show.

The announcers talked about The Rock’s surprise appearance at a house show in Boston last weekend. They showed fancam clips of it. What a new world we live in.

Then they showed a hype video for the John Cena versus Kevin Owens feud. Neither man was there, of course, but here’s some video. They fight at Battleground. I assume they’ll be there for that.

Backstage, Rich Brennan spoke to Mark Henry. What happened to Backstage Renee? Henry said that The Ryback was disrespectful about him in an interview on WWE.com and it feels like I have to have the WWE piped into my brain 24/7 to keep up with storylines lately. I’m sure Vince is working on that. He said he’d put The Ryback in the Hall of Pain. They fight after the commercial break.

Hey, it’s Mark Henry! We just saw him! He came out and then The Ryback came out. Then they had a match and it was more HOSSy than they’ve been lately but it still wasn’t all that. The Ryback got the win with the Shell Shock.

Backstage, Seth Rollins was with J&J Security, who were admiring the Apple Watches that Rollins gave them on Raw. Joey Mercury said Reigns still hadn’t arrived at the building. I guess they were trying to build suspense.

After a break, Naomi was in the ring. Brie Bella, accompanied by Alicia Fox, came down and they had a match. No Nikki Bella or Tamina, you’ll note, because Japan.

Naomi, who is a heel even though her husband (on commentary for the show) is a babyface, lost when Alicia Fox, who has always been a heel, tripped her and Brie, who seems to be a babyface now but who really knows, hit a facebuster for the win. Incidentally, My Pal Chris (from Not The Linus Report the other week) asked me who has the worst catchphrase in professional wrestling: “Brie Mode” has to be up there.

Backstage, Bray Wyatt cut a talky from wherever he cuts talkies from now that Roman Reigns has discovered the other place he used to cut talkies from. He said Reigns was licking his wounds somewhere, and that Reigns cared for too many people. He promised Reigns that he’d burn down everything he loved and save him for last. I like Wyatt but come on!

Hey, it’s The Ascension! They were just randomly in the ring, after a break, and then The Prime Time Players came down and they fought. It wasn’t terrible, it just was. Titus O’Neil got the win for the PTP with a spinebuster on Khonnor, for all you results junkies out there.

Backstage, Rusev & Summer Rae were walking down a corridor – well, Summer Rae was walking, Rusev was, you know… – and they’re out after the commercial break.

So Rusev & Summer Rae came out and the crowd chanted “USA!” at them, like Summer Rae wasn’t even there. Rusev told them to shut up – which just made me miss the old Lana even more – because Summer Rae had something to say.

Summer Rae said she wanted to be the bigger person and apologise for her actions on Raw when she slapped Lana. She said she shouldn’t have stopped to Lana’s level and that Lana’s loss was her gain. Rusev kissed her hand and then said that Summer Rae was a real woman, a woman who knew her place. She grimaced a little at that.

Rusev said he didn’t need Lana anymore, and he never needed her. The crowd chanted “we want Lana” but Rusev said, “Summer Rae! No Lana!” He said that Lana was poisoning Dolph Ziggler’s brain but he would no longer tolerate Ziggler’s threats. He said he’d eat Ziggler’s heart, and pull out his intestines and hang them in his backyard. He said he’d lost everything and soon Ziggler would know how that felt. Rusev did a great job here – he’s the only one in this feud who is.

Backstage, Seth Rollins and J&J Security were walking down a corridor – the main event is next!

Hey, it’s the main event! It’s Seth Rollins versus Roman Reigns! But Reigns isn’t even in the building, is he???

Rollins and J&J Security came down to the ring and said they’d go through the formalities of the ten count so that he could see the Apple Watches in action. He told the timekeeper to ring the bell and began counting. The referee, meanwhile, looked confused.

They got to seven and Reign’s music hit. At this point he still hadn’t emerged from his usual entrance place up in the stands and he never would have made the count but they stopped counting for some reason. Idiots. They started brawling as soon as Reigns got to the ring and Todd “Tom” Phillips noted that the match had already started. What a confusing mess.

So they had a match and, of course, J&J Security got involved, and it ended up, surprisingly, with a DQ finish. What a waste of time. After the match, as Rollins and J&J Security beat on Reigns, Dean Ambrose came out with a kendo stick and took the heels apart. Reigns then hit a Superman Punch on Rollins but J&J Security pulled him out of the ring before they could do more harm to the champion.

The heels escaped over the barrier but Joey Mercury got caught by Reigns and dragged back into the ring. Ambrose hit him with the kendo stick and then Reigns hit a Superman Punch, and then Ambrose whacked him again and again and again and again. The triumphant babyfaces stood tall over the midget goon as the show went off the air.

This was a HORRIBLE show. There was NOTHING good on it and it was a waste of all our time. Three of the company’s five champions fought on the show but NONE of the matches were title matches. Why even have titles? What’s the good of a champion if he fights twice a week and only defends the title once a month? Bah. Half-arsing shows is bad enough when you do it on your own network but SyFy pay for this show. I don’t know who’s the bigger idiots…