The Linus Report: Lucha Underground, 29/07/2015

Hey, it’s Lucha Underground! And it’s time for ULTIMA LUCHAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!

The show started deep in the bowels of the Temple, where Dario Cueto had Black Lotus in a cell. She was keeping herself ready to fight when Cueto walked in, wearing a tuxedo and drinking champagne. He offered her some but she just gave him the finger. He told her a story, comparing his brother, Matanza, to a bull in a bullfight. The bull isn’t an aggressive animal but when he is provoked he is.

He said his father had made a lot of money exploiting his brother in underground fights and his brother had hurt lots of people. But he never hurt her parents. He said Dragón Azteca killed her parents and blamed Matanza. He said the truth hurts, but it can also set you free. Cueto left and Lotus kept punching the wall, where she’d chalked an outline of a man…

The announcers welcomed us to the show and Vampiro thanked the musical guest, Sergio Arau. Matt Striker hyped tonight’s matches and then threw to Melissa Santos, in the ring.

Hey, it’s Melissa! She introduced the luchadors for the opening lucha, a Falls Count Anywhere match between Cage and The Mack. When Dario Cueto made the match last week, he said there would plenty of objects left around the Temple to be used as weapons. He wasn’t wrong.

The Mack came out for the match along the walkway at the top of the stairs but he didn’t get far because Cage jumped him from behind. They brawled into the crowd and used chairs, a fire extinguisher, a stop sign, and the fixtures and fittings of the Temple. After some HUGE hits and slams, Cage got the win by kerb stomping The Mack through a cinder block on top of Cueto’s office and covering him for the pin. Cracking brawl.

The announcers ran down the line-up for next week’s two-hour special: The Gift of the Gods match (featuring Bengala, King Cuerno, Sexy Star, Big Ryck, Jack Evans, Fénix & AeroStar), Texano (Jr) versus Blue Demon Jr, Johnny Mundo versus Alberto el Patrón, Pentagón Jr versus Vampiro, and Prince Puma versus Mil Muertes for the Lucha Underground title. HUGE show.

Hey, it’s Melissa again! She introduced the Disciples of Death, who were accompanied by Catrina and had swank new masks, and then their opponents, Lucha Underground Trios champions Angélico, Ivelisse & Son of Havoc!

There were no tags in this match so everyone just brawled. They fought all over the Temple – which meant Angélico could do one of his insane dives off the roof of the storeroom to take down all three Disciples. Catrina got in the ring and raised the sacred rock, bringing the Disciples back to life but Ivelisse attacked her and the rock went flying. Catrina managed to grab the rock again and knocked Ivelisse out with it, and then raised the Disciples once more, one of whom crawled into the ring for the pinfall.

After the match, as the Disciples cradled the Trios title belts, Catrina delivered the lick of death to Ivelisse, something that will be GIF’d until the very end days of the internet.

After a break, it was time for our main event! Melissa introduced the lucky fans who had been chosen to surround the ring wielding leather straps, ready to whip any man that fell into their laps. I recognised one guy from the Death Valley Driver message board. Small world. Hernandez was out next, and then Drago came out, and Hernandez caught him as he was coming through the ropes. He hit a dropkick, knocking him out of the ring, but the fans just stood by him and didn’t whip him one bit. Heh heh.

Hernandez went outside to get Drago and the fans beat on him. That’ll teach him for saying dragons weren’t real. Drago hit a corkscrew moonsault off the top and the fans beat on Hernandez some more, until he scooted into the ring. The fans, by the way, were apparently a mixture of plants and genuine fans. One of them was fat, and I mean REALLY fat, so he was probably a fan. Another one had his strap taken away by Hernandez and he didn’t fight for it so I figure he was a plant.

Back in the ring, Drago went for a crossbody but Hernandez caught him and hit a powerbomb. Hernandez went for a diving headbutt but Drago countered it into a Tornado DDT. Hernandez pressed Drago up but Drago rolled down and scored a nearfall. Hernandez picked him up again and threw him out onto some fans, who toppled over.

Hernandez went to hit a topé suicida out onto Drago but Drago popped up and misted him. The fans went to strap Hernandez some more but Hernandez hid under the ring. The fans waited for him to emerge while Drago set up a table and grabbed his nunchaku.

Hernandez came out from under the table and got strapped and then Drago took him down with his nunchaku, leaving him lying on the table. Drago hit a splash off the top turnbuckle, through Hernandez and the table, and then dragged him into the ring for the pinfall victory. Ace match.

Outside, Dragón Azteca approached the Temple, where he was met by a fella in a hoodie. They did some kung-fu and then stood off. The hoodie guy said that Dragón Azteca could not enter the Temple because of the prophecy and that he should get Prince Puma to rescue Black Lotus but Dragón Azteca said Puma had his own battles to fight. He said it didn’t matter if he did die because Dragón Azteca would live forever…

This was a Great Show. Yeah, the Trios title match didn’t live up to expectations and might have been a bit hokey for some, but it was a solid, entertaining hour, which whets the appetite for next week’s main course superbly. I’m going to miss this show.

(Lucha Underground airs in the US on the El Rey Network on Wednesdays at 9pm ET, and en Español on Unimas on Saturdays at 4pm ET. It does not currently air in the UK but you can probably find it somewhere out there in the ether…)

 

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