The Linus Report: Lucha Underground, 22/07/2015

Hey, it’s Lucha Underground! It’s that show that has MAGICAL AZTEC MEDALLIONS and there’s nothing wrong with that.

The show started with a re-cap of recent events featuring the winners of the medallions, The Mack & Cage, and Texano (Jr) & Blue Demon Jr.

In Dario Cueto’s office, Big Ryck was smoking his cigar. Cueto stumbled over some bad eye puns and then said that there was a reason he gave Big Ryck the first big contract in Lucha Underground – he had big plans for him. He revealed the final medallion and then asked Ryck to choose between money and power. Ryck grabbed the medallion and said he could have both. Cueto reluctantly gave him cash and Ryck left, repeating one of the eye puns he’d growled at Cueto for saying earlier, the dick.

The announcers welcomed us to the show and Matt Striker thanked this week’s musical guest, the returning Sergio Arau, and hyped the first ever time that Lucha Underground champion Prince Puma would speak, later in the show.

Hey, it’s Melissa Santos! She introduced the luchadors for the opening lucha – Johnny Mundo and Texano!

So Mundo is feuding with Alberto el Patrón, who is Mexican. And Texano is Mexico. Well, he was until Blue Demon Jr told him he was Mexico and challenged him to a match about it at Ultima Lucha. But Texano was feuding with Alberto el Patrón, and has never really turned técnico since. Following that?

So, yeah, Mundo & Texano had a match and it was a good match. These two worked really well together, which bodes well for Mundo’s continued presence in AAA. They pretty much countered everything the other had, until The Crew ran in to attack Texano for the DQ.

After the match, The Crew beat on Texano until Alberto made the save. Alberto and Texano cleared the ring with the bullrope, and then stood face-to-face, their feud never quite settled…

In Dario Cueto’s office, Hernandez was drinking a Miller Lite. Cueto said he wanted Ultima Lucha to be a masterpiece, so he was starting it a week early, on next week’s show. He said he had something special for Hernandez versus Drago, and announced a “Believers’ Backlash” match, which will see the fans surrounding the ring with leather belts, ready to whip any man that came outside. Hernandez said that Cueto better have insurance because he’d destroy anyone who dared hit him.

Hey, it’s Melissa! She introduced the luchadors for the next lucha – The Mack, who was already in the ring, and Cage.

So these two have been fussin’ and a feudin’ since Cage took The Mack’s place in Delavar Daivari’s trio a few weeks back. The Mack has been getting the upper hand, which is sweet, and he got the surprise win here with a sunset flip in less than a minute.

After the match, they continued brawling all around the building, shrugging off security goons who tried to stop them. Dario Cueto emerged from his office and announced to the crowd that Ultima Lucha would start early, next week, and that Cage & The Mack would fight in a Falls Count Anywhere match. Cueto then said he would tell the believers what the medallions were all about and they went to a commercial break.

After the break, Cueto was in the ring with a shrouded object. He explained that the seven medallions made up the Gift of the Gods and then revealed a title belt that the medallions slotted into.

He said that the holder of the belt would get a shot at the Lucha Underground championship, but unlike other places, because he wanted to promote his title fights, they wouldn’t be able to just cash it in whenever they wanted. The crowd laughed at that. The holder of the belt would be able to demand a title shot with a week’s notice, and the first Gift of the Gods champion would be crowned at Ultima Lucha!

Cueto demanded that the holders of the medallions all came to the ring. Jack Evans, Aero Star, King Cuerno, Bengala, and Sexy Star came out, and then Big Ryck. The announcers were surprised, because they don’t get to see the backstage stuff. They all put their medallions into the belt and then Cueto noted one was missing.

He said that the final medallion belonged to Fénix, but no-one had seen him since Mil Muertes destroyed him, so he was offering the medallion to the winner of a Battle Royale on tonight’s show.

Suddenly, Fénix came down to the ring and the crowd chanted “welcome back!” Cueto told Fénix he was too late, but that he could enter the Battle Royale…

After a break, Mascarita Sagrada and Marty “The Moth” Martinez came out to join Fénix, Killshot, Famous B, Ricky Mandel, Delavar Daivari, Vinny Massaro, Argenis & Super Fly in the ring for the Battle Royale.

After the others were eliminated by being thrown over the top rope, it came down to the last two – Fénix and Martinez – and they fought to a pinfall or submission ending. Fénix got the win, to regain his medallion, in a weird botched finish.

Dario Cueto was not happy – about the botch or the result – and Fénix added his medallion to the Gift of the Gods belt.

The announcers hyped the line-up for Ultima Lucha, and it does look pretty sweet, Then they threw to Melissa Santos, who introduced Prince Puma.

Puma was out there to break his silence because Mil Muertes had wheeled Konnan away last week in a casket. Yeah, I know! Before he could speak, Mil Muertes and Catrina came out to the top of the stairs. Puma laid his title belt on the mat and beckoned Muertes down.

Suddenly, the Disciples of Death attacked him from behind but he fought them off, hit a dive out onto them, and again beckoned Muertes down.

This time, Muertes accepted and ran down the steps and into the ring. They brawled and Puma got the best of it, and laid Muertes out and hit the 630 Splash. Muertes was left lying in the corner of the ring as Puma held his title belt aloft and that’s your show!

This was a Good Show. It had some fun in-ring and we got some explanation of where the whole medallion thing was going, even if they didn’t turn out to be all mystical and shit. Ultima Lucha starts next week! I’m more hyped than Mojo Rawley!

(Lucha Underground airs in the US on the El Rey Network on Wednesdays at 9pm ET, and en Español on Unimas on Saturdays at 4pm ET. It does not currently air in the UK but you can probably find it somewhere out there in the ether…)

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