Hey, it’s WWE Smackdown! It’s a bunch of stuff they threw together and called a TV show!

The show started with Dean Ambrose coming through the crowd with the WWE title belt. He got into the ring and grabbed a mic’. He cut an ace talky, going through his adventures on Monday around New Orleans with the belt, all of which was posted on Instagram for the world to see.

He said he was playing roulette when he looked up at TV and saw Seth Rollins so he bought himself a ticket to Raw. People have pointed out that the ticket said COMP on it and Ambrose remarked that he didn’t think it was a real ticket. Funny.

The big screen played footage of Ambrose helping J&J Security beat Rollins on Raw, and Ambrose said he hoped that Rollins remembers what it was like to look up at the lights because he’d be doing the same on Sunday.

This brought out Seth Rollins, who said he was tired of Ambrose’s crap. Rollins said Ambrose was like the scum in the arena – not in his league. He demanded Ambrose handed over the title and Ambrose surprisingly agreed. Then Rollins realised that it wasn’t the real belt, and Ambrose admitted he’d bought it from the merch’ stand.

He said that he’d lost the belt somewhere between New Orleans and Lafayette, and that the last few days had been a blur. “It still feels like it’s Tuesday,” he said. Again, funny. He said he’d go off and re-trace his steps and find the belt. Rollins seethed.

While Rollins was still in the ring, Kane came out. He said that Rollins had had the opportunity to choose his own opponent on Raw and still lost. He said if that happened on Sunday, Rollins would lose the title. Kane said Rollins won’t have any help from The Authority on Sunday – just like he wouldn’t tonight, when he fought Dolph Ziggler.

The announcers trailed the main event – a six-man tag featuring participants from the Money In The Bank match.

Hey, it’s The Ryback! He came down to the ring to face The Miz, in a match that should have happened last week but was interrupted by The Big Show. No Big Show this time, so they had that match.

You know what? It wasn’t a bad match. And The Miz worked really hard. It’s a shame he’s such a joke because he’s got that little something that others just don’t have. Anyway, The Ryback got the win, with the Shell Shock.

After the match, The Big Show came out and cut a talky. He said he was going to beat The Ryback at the PPV on Sunday and The Ryback told him to bring it right there & then. The Big Show pretended like he was going to accept the challenge and then waved it off, saying he doesn’t give fights away.

They showed a family in the front row who’d had their tickets upgraded because of Little Caesars. I’m struggling to see why I should care about this or them.

Hey, it’s R-Truth! He was out to do commentary for Bad News Barrett versus Jack Swagger. They’re really rolling out the big guns on tonight’s show. Truth was there because he’s fighting Barrett at Money In The Bank. Well, they’re on the pre-show

So Barrett actually won a match, beating Swagger with the Bullhamer in a two-minute match that still found time for Truth to do some comedy. I can’t decide if the portrayal of R-Truth is horribly racist or not. Probably best to err on the side of honest intentions, though.

They showed the recent goings-on between Nikki Bella and Paige, where Paige has said that the Bellas are ruining the Divas division for everyone else. Then Paige was walking down a corridor and bumped into Alicia Fox. Fox told Paige that she didn’t speak for her and that the only change she wanted was for Paige to be removed from the Divas division. They’ll fight later. Erm, yay?

They showed an interview from WWE.com, with Michael Cole sitting down with Lana to discuss her relationship with Dolph Ziggler. Rusev interrupted and begged Lana for another chance, and asked her to submit to him. She didn’t like that and told him it was over and left. Rusev destroyed the set.

Hey, it’s Dolph Ziggler! He came down to the ring for his match with WWE champion, Seth Rollins. Rollins came out, looking odd without his goons, and they had a match.

It was a decent contest, mostly controlled by Rollins but with plenty of shine for Ziggler. Rollins got the win when he rolled-through a Ziggler crossbody for the pin, although he did grab a handful of trunks.

After they showed some more contestants for this year’s Tough Enough they got straight on with the action, and Paige versus Alicia Fox. It wasn’t terrible but it wasn’t very good, either. It would have been fine if it was Dana Brooke versus Carmella on NXT but had no place on a main roster show. Plus ça change.

The announcers hyped the WWE having half a billion social media followers, as well as being the number one sports channel on YouTube. Wait, they’re a sport again now?

They showed a neat video package of the John Cena-Kevin Owens feud, the feud of the year so far in my book. It’ll be interesting to see how they book it on Sunday and onwards from there, because it’s still got legs and Owens doesn’t need his cut off…

Backstage Renee spoke to The Prime Time Players about their WWE Tag-Team title match at Money In The Bank on Sunday. Titus O’Neil said Sunday would be their coming out party and Darren Young said that that was last year. You know, because he’s gay. Then all three of them sang “Prime… Time Players”, to the beat of “New… Day Rocks”. Poor, poor Backstage Renee.

Hey, it’s our main event! It’s Roman Reigns, Neville & Randy Orton versus Sheamus, Kane & Kofi Kingston! Because Money In The Bank!

The New Day were out there with Kingston and Xavier Woods was great value, as usual, although Kane seemed to find them a little tiresome.

They had a match and it was okay, although I have zero interest in seeing this combination of men fight at the PPV, let alone on a TV show three days beforehand. Everyone hit their finishers, like one after the other, and Reigns, Neville & Orton got the win, by DQ, when The New Day ran in to stop Kingston being pinned by Reigns.

After the match, The New Day continued to beat on Reigns and Woods grabbed a ladder from under the ring. Kingston started climbing the ladder but Dolph Ziggler’s music hit. Ziggler ran out with a ladder of his own and bowled over Big E & Woods on his way to the ring, where he pulled Kingston off the ladder and they both spilled outside.

Neville got back into the ring and set the ladder up near the ropes. A ton of referees ran out, supposedly to maintain order but really to hold the ladder while Neville splash off the top onto everyone outside. Clever.

With everyone else down, Neville got back into the ring, climbed the ladder, and unhooked the briefcase, three days early. Yeah, me either. And that’s your show.

This Wasn’t A Great Show. It felt like a bunch of random shit thrown together, and really not the kind of thing you should use to sell a PPV three days later. Ambrose was awesome in the opening segment, though, so you take what you can, I guess.

By Alan Boon

Alan Boon is stranded in provincial suburbia. He escapes by watching men in small pants pretend to fight, and motorbikes racing four laps around a small oval track. He has child- and cat-related insomnia.

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