Linus Report: WWE Smackdown, 30/04/2015

Hey, it’s WWE Smackdown! You can watch it in an hour if you’re good with the Duggan button!

The show started backstage, with Seth Rollins (accompanied by J&J Security) yelling at someone off-camera. It was Kane. Rollins said he had a problem with Kane but Kane said he was just doing what was best for business.

Rollins said that Kane was jealous, but Kane said he’d make a man out of Rollins if it was the last thing he did. He made a main event of Rollins versus Dean Ambrose for tonight.

Rollins said he knew what was best for business – Kane from twenty years ago. he dared Kane to prove his worth to The Authority and stomped off.

Hey, it’s Roman Reigns! He came down to the ring from his special place and grabbed a mic’. I heard groans from all over, although not this crowd – they seemed HYPED and were SUPER LOUD even when could be seen sitting on their hands with mouths closed…

Reigns sent a shout-out to Dean Ambrose, wishing him luck in the main event against Rollins, and then said he’d had to scratch and claw his way since Wrestlemania. If I remember correctly, the only scratching and clawing was the fans scratching and clawing at their ‘phones to vote on the WWE App to get him into the main event at Payback.

He was interrupted, thank Christ, by Kane, who came down to the ring with a referee. He wanted to FIGHT! Corporate Kane’s music is all wrong – it should be the clacking of a thousand typewriters or on-hold music.

So, yeah, they had a match, and it was back and forth but Reigns got on top. He was about to hit the spear when Kane rolled out of the ring and took a powder, getting counted out in the process. Reigns shook his head as he was declared the winner. Scratch and claw.

Backstage Renee spoke to Seth Rollins, who’d been watching on a monitor. He said Kane was in over his head in that match and that he never runs away from a fight. He said he’d beat Orton and Reigns on his own at Payback, and didn’t need anyone, not even J&J Security to do it.

Hey, it’s Damien Sandow! The only things worse than his new gimmick is his new, generic music and his new, terrible t-shirt.
JoJo announced him and he parroted her as she did. Then she introduced his opponent, Curtis Axel, and he “hilariously” parroted that, too, only getting things deliberately wrong. Comedy died tonight, my friends, it died.

They had a short match, and most of it was Sandow stealing Axel’s moves, which Axel has stolen from Hulk Hogan. Sandow won with his You’re Welcome full nelson slam.

Backstage Renee spoke to The Ryback. He said he was dedicating his match tonight to Bray Wyatt, who attacked him on Raw. He said would devour Wyatt’s former follower Luke Harper. ENOUGH WITH THE EATING PUNS ALREADY!

So The Ryback and Luke Harper had a match and it was okay but it was The Ryback, you know? The Ryback won with the Shell Shock but was again attacked by Bray Wyatt, who hit Sister Abigail. He shot Harper a glance afterwards that’s had a BILLION people praying for the return of the Wyatt Family.

Hey, it’s The New Day! They came down to the ring for a WWE Tag-Team Title Match with Tyson Kidd & Cesaro, who were accompanied by Natalya. This is Kidd & Cesaro’s statutory re-match after their loss at Extreme Rules. I’d have saved it for the next PPV, me.

They had a GREAT match. Seriously, this was the best thing on Raw or Smackdown for ages. They got time to do their thing and it really showed.
The New Day kept their titles when they ran in, en masse, to prevent Kidd pinning Big E, and the referee ruled a disqualification.
If they hadn’t already established that Natalya was only on the level of a non-human midget, they could have some fun six-man tags with these teams. As it is, to do that they’d have to bring in someone else on Kidd & Cesaro’s side, which would be perfect to bring someone else up from NXT, or is that too much of an in-zayn idea?

Backstage, Summer Rae and Cameron were making fun of Brie Bella, and how Naomi took her out on Raw. Nikki Bella overheard and chewed out Cameron, and then told her she’d see her in the ring.

As Nikki was coming down to the ring, Naomi cut an inset promo in which she said some stuff. I’d kinda tuned out at this point.

So Cameron and Nikki had a boring match which seemed twice as long as its four-minute length. Nikki won with the Rack Attack. Move along, nothing to see here.

The Prime Time Players cut another excruciatingly-bad talky, “roasting” The New Day and plugging their unavailable t-shirts. I’m sure they’re nice fellas but COME ON!

They showed highlights from the King Of The Ring tournament, which ended in the crowning of King Bad News Barrett. It’s weird that he wasn’t on the show.

Backstage, Seth Rollins approached Dean Ambrose and asked him to back out of their match. Ambrose was having none of it and Rollins told him he was making a big mistake. Ambrose said that was okay, his whole life was a mistake, but at least he got to beat Rollins up tonight. Funny.

Hey, it’s our main event! It’s Seth Rollins versus Dean Ambrose! In, I presume, a non-title match!

They had a really fun match. J&J Security got involved on the outside, and half way through Kane came down to ringside. Rollins did not look happy about that. Ambrose hit his cool move where he went for an Atomic Drop but slammed Rollins face first on the mat and sat out. Rollins should have nicked that when they banned the kerb stomp.

Kane came into the match when Ambrose threw Rollins over the top and into the Big Red Whatever He Is Now. J&J Security helped Kane up but Ambrose dove off the top rope with an elbow onto all three of them. An angry Kane grabbed Ambrose and Rollins by the throat for chokeslams and the referee threatened a DQ – he almost got a chokeslam of his own for that. Ambrose threw J&J Security over the announcers’ desk and then got back in the ring but Rollins hit him with his crappy new finisher for the win.

After the match, Kane got in the ring and Rollins backed off. Kane attacked Ambrose and then Rollins and J&J Security joined in. Roman Reigns ran out – down the ramp! – to make the save and cleared J&J Security out. He speared Kane as Rollins watched from the ramp, and that’s your show!

This was a Good Show. I actually enjoyed it. There was a simple theme running through it and one fantastic match. What more can you ask for?

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