Linus Report: WWE Smackdown, 21/05/2015

Hey, it’s WWE Smackdown! It’s Raw’s medicated little brother!

The show started with Roman Reigns coming down to the ring. He was wearing his new t-shirt, so you knew he was here to talk and not to fight. I’m not sure which I prefer to be honest.

Reigns said he had bad news: he didn’t win at Payback. But he also had good news: he had a really good time. Well that’s alright, then. As long as you’re having a good time, who cares that the forces of evil are running wild, eh? He said he was thinking with his head and not his fists, and had a new plan. He was going to enter the Money In The Bank ladder match.

That brought out Dean Ambrose, who said he wasn’t going to enter the Money In The Bank ladder match, because by then he’ll already by WWE World champion, having beaten Seth Rollins at Elimination Chamber. Reigns told Ambrose he should think of an exit strategy before going off on one, but wouldn’t that destroy the character we know and love?

Anyway, Kane came out and reminded Reigns & Ambrose that The Authority always wins. Reigns pointed out that Kane spent a fair amount of time on his back and Kane hit back by saying that Reigns won’t be in the Money In The Bank ladder match because he lost at both Wrestlemania and Payback. Kane said Reigns would have to earn an opportunity.

Ambrose called Kane the red-headed step-child of The Authority, and Kane put him in another match with Bray Wyatt, who had beaten him (with outside interference) on Raw. Ambrose liked that, so fuck you Kane. Kane said he had no plans for Reigns but Reigns said he’d spend the night watching to make sure Kane did what was best for business…

They announced that Titus O’Neill won a Dad Of The Year Award. They really did.

Hey, it’s The Prime Time Players! They came dancing down to the ring and even plucked a child out of the crowd to dance with them. I’m not sure that’s Dad Of The Year behaviour. Titus joined the announcers on commentary and Darren Young kind of awkwardly stood behind him, although not as awkwardly as Big E & Kofi Kingston, who were stood behind Xavier Woods, also on commentary.

So there was a match for them to talk about and it was The Ascension versus Los Matadores versus The Lucha Dragons versus Tyson Kidd & Cesaro. That’s a lot of bodies, although Kalisto barely counts, right?

And it was a really fun match! Ten minutes of whacky spots and dives and even The Ascension looked good. Honest! The Lucha Dragons got the win when Kalisto jumped backwards off the top turnbuckle into a huracanrana on one of Los Matadores (like it matters which one).

They showed the footage from Raw of when Lana snogged Dolph Ziggler and Rusev got laid out with the Zig Zag. Then they showed video of Rusev from wwe.com, where he vowed revenge.

Backstage Renee spoke to Ziggler, erm, backstage, and he said he’d had a hell of a week. Lana walked up and wished Ziggler luck in his match with Bad News Barrett next, and Ziggler asked Backstage Renee to give them a moment alone. Strangely he did not ask the cameraman to do the same.

Ziggler told Lana he knew what she was trying to do – make Rusev jealous. And he was fine with that. He complimented her on her kissing and she blushed and he headed off to the ring.

Hey, it’s Bad News Barrett! He came down to the ring, in full King attire, to fight Ziggler. They had a decent match, with surprisingly no Rusev interference, and Ziggler won with the Zig Zag. Lana came out onto the ramp and applauded Ziggler.

Paige was shown walking backstage after the announcers re-capped the goings on in the Divas division. She’s out next!

So, yeah, it’s Paige! She told us that this was her house and other stuff and then Naomi & Tamina showed up and said some stuff and, really, these girls are not equipped for such long talky segments. That’s probably because their feuds are built out of gossamer and whoever’s on the writing team can’t write for women and a bazillion other things.

Anyway, Naomi & Tamina attacked Paige and she got overwhelmed and then Nikki Bella ran out to make the save. She ran off Naomi & Tamina and fell over but I don’t think we were supposed to see that on this TAPED SHOW. She threw Naomi back into the ring and then attacked Paige and hit the Rack Attack and women, eh?

Bray Wyatt cut a talky on Dean Ambrose. He said he’d prove that Ambrose has inner demons in the least surprising news of all time. He said Ambrose was in his way and said he should RUN!

For fuck’s sake, it’s R-Truth! He rapped his way to the ring and I had to check my calendar. Yup, 2015. Who knew? The announcers told us that Nikki Bella would defend her title in a three-way at Elimination Chamber against Naomi & Paige and this news was only slightly less dispiriting than the thought of another R-Truth versus Stardust match, like what was on offer here.

R-Truth won, we were all demeaned by it existing.

Backstage Renee spoke to The Ryback and asked him how he prepared for a match like the Elimination Chamber. He said it was intimidating but that he was chomping at the bit to get in there. He said he’d devour anything that stood in his way and then tried to give Backstage Renee some tips on vegan cooking.

They showed footage of Kevin Owens punking John Cena on Raw and then highlights from the NXT title match at NXT Takeover: Unstoppable, and Samoa Joe’s arrival on NXT.

Hey, it’s Macho Mandow! He came out with Axelmania to fight Heath Slater & Adam Rose. Rose had Rosa Mendes at ringside with him and she kept screaming annoyingly. Nobody would miss her, right? The heels put the beating on Mandow until he made the hot tag and Axelmania ran wild, pinning Slater with a legdrop. Christ.

Backstage Renee spoke to Bo Dallas, and wanted to know why he attacked Neville on Raw. He told a story about nursing an injured bird back to health and claimed that was what he was doing to Neville. He said he could help Neville if Neville just Bo-lieves. He really needs to be with his brother.

Dean Ambrose came down to the ring and, after the break, it’s our main event! It’s Dean Ambrose versus Bray Wyatt! Again!

So they had their usual match, which is pretty good, right? And then J&J Security got involved and I AM FUCKING SICK OF OUTSIDE INTERFERENCE. Ambrose and Wyatt were lying in the middle of the ring, having clotheslined each other, when Seth Rollins came out. To counter him, Roman Reigns appeared and wasn’t wearing his new t-shirt so you knew he’d come to FIGHT!

Reigns took out J&J Security and backed Rollins up the ramp. Jamie Noble hit the ring but Ambrose punched him out. While the referee was dealing with Noble, Reigns Superman Punched Bray Wyatt and Ambrose hit Dirty Deeds for the win. The show ended with Ambrose eyeing Rollins and it’s on, baby, it’s on.

This was a Decent Show. There was some awful stuff in the middle but it had a strong start and a strong finish. WWE are still on something of a run and working out if they can keep up that momentum is as involving as any of the booking right now.

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