Linus Report: WWE Smackdown, 07/05/2015

Hey, it’s WWE Smackdown! It’s a lucky dip – you never know what you’re going to get!

The show started with a re-cap of the goings on at Raw which led to Dean Ambrose being added to the main event at Payback. There’ll be a contract signing for the Fatal Four Way tonight.

Hey, it’s Jerry Lawler! He was in the ring and welcomed the new King of the Ring, Bad News Barrett, for an interview.

Well, King Barrett was rude to poor Jerry. And in calling himself “King Barrett” he also proved he doesn’t really know how kings work. But then again, “King Wade“?

Barrett ordered Lawler to say “all hail King Barrett” but Lawler refused. Barrett prepared a bullhammer for the one, true King but was interrupted by Dolph Ziggler.

Ziggler came out with a mic’ and said that Barrett looked like a renaissance fayre reject. A referee appeared from nowhere and a match was on!

So they had a match and it was fun, and Ziggler had it won with a Fameasser but Sheamus ran into the ring and broke it up. giving Ziggler the DQ victory.

Sheamus & Barrett put the boots to Ziggler and tied him up in the ropes but Neville ran in and made the save.

After a break, it was Neville & Ziggler versus Sheamus & Barrett in a match. Because we’re flying by the seat of our pants tonight.

So they had a match and it was fun, too. Neville & Ziggler got the win when Ziggler hit the Zig Zag on a distracted Barrett. This feud must continue!

Backstage Renee was with Dean Ambrose. She asked him about the match at Payback but he said he wasn’t really a match guy. He said he didn’t care for rules, or schedules, or Authority. He said that the last guy you expect to win can walk out champion in a four-way and that no-one really wanted to see him at the contract signing later tonight. I heart Ambrose.

Hey, it’s Luke Harper! He’s fighting Fandango and actually teased doing the fandango – which would have been awesome – but instead kicked Fandango in the face.

They had a short match, which Harper won with a discus clothesline, but Fandango got in some offense and I don’t know what that says about either man.

After the match, Erick Rowan came out and had a staredown with Harper but then attacked Fandango before leaving up the ramp. Harper stared at the sheep mask that Rowan had left behind…

After a break, Lana was in the ring. The fans were chanting for her and she looked happy but then turned sad and said that they shouldn’t chant for her because Rusev gets angry.

Right on cue, Rusev marched out and yelled at her and sent her to the back. He cut a talky on Cena, saying Cena showed mercy to Sami Zayn on Raw, and that mercy is a sign of weakness. He said he’d tell Cena, face-to-face on Raw next week, just why Cena will be saying the words “I Quit”.

Backstage Renee was with Roman Reigns. His eyes are terribly distracting, like a badly-tuned analog TV signal. He said some stuff. Believe That.

Hey, it’s The New Day! They came out for six-man tag action against Tyson Kidd & Cesaro & a mystery partner. The original booking plans were for this to be Sami Zayn, which I proposed last week, thank you very much. I’m not sure if that says more about me or them, though.

Anyway, the mystery partner was The fucking Ryback. Man, I’m so over his shit. He’s dull. Aaaaaanyway, they had a match, and it was a fun match. Not a patch on the tag-team title match from last week’s Smackdown but fun all the same.

The New Day got the win when Bray Wyatt’s sting played, and the good guys got distracted. Kofi Kingston rolled up Tyson Kidd for the pinfall, while grabbing the tights. That’s twice now – I think Kidd & Cesaro are going to have to grapple nude or something.

Backstage Renee was with Randy Orton. He said he’d drop anyone who got in his way and that one of his opponents may not make it to Payback after tonight.

After a break, Emma was in the ring, for a match with Naomi, who came out with Tamina Snuka. Naomi & Tamina cut an inset promo that wasn’t very good.

They had a match, which also wasn’t very good, and Naomi won with her bum. After the match Tamina and Naomi put a beatdown on Emma and NOBODY made the save. That’s not the name of a new Diva – literally NOBODY came out to make the save. Poor Emma.

Backstage Renee was with Seth Rollins. He said he shocked the world by winning the title at Wrestlemania and he’d do it again at Payback. He said Kane was pathetic, and jealous of him. That’ll end well.

Oh look, it’s the Lucha Dragons! Where have they been? They’re fighting Los Matadores, in the de facto main event, which is an all-enmascarada affair!

They had a decent match, which Kalisto getting his shit in, until Sin Cara hit a topé suicida and caught his feet on the way out. Fernando just about caught him but it looked pretty ouchy. He made it back into the ring, though, where he small-packaged Diego for the win. After the match, Los Matadores got angry with Torito and shoved him to the mat. Dragonito?

Hey, it’s our main event! And it’s a contract signing! I wonder if businessmen, in their suits and ties, ever describe their contract signings as main events? I’d like to think so, the bastards.

Anyway, they all came down to the ring, save for Rollins, who stood up on the ramp. And after Kane had laid on a table and four chairs! It was quite a funny visual, seeing Orton, Reigns, and Ambrose sitting around this table while Kane stood at the end like a teacher.

The three in the ring signed but Rollins told Kane he should do it for him, as his proxy. Kane said he could but invited Rollins down. Rollins acquiesced and signed the contract but then began arguing with Kane.

Meanwhile, Dean Ambrose was tidying away the table and chairs, although Orton & Reigns stayed sitting in theirs. It looked for all the world like he’d gone OCD.

He put the table up in the corner and J&J Security finally realised what was going on and tried to stop him. Everyone started brawling, and at the end of it all Rollins stood tall over everyone, with the table weirdly unbroken. And that’s your show!

This was a Good Show. It skipped along at a pace, which may have been because my DVR took out all the ads, but still. Smackdown is on one of those runs of decent shows, so obviously the main writers are too busy ruining Raw to pay much attention to it. Long may that continue!

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