Linus Report: WWE Raw, 04/05/2015

Hey, it’s WWE Raw! #MarkingOut

The show started with Randy Orton coming down to the ring for a talky. He said he was going to get payback on Seth Rollins at Payback, and there was nothing Roman Reigns could do about it.

This brought out Reigns, who was booed by the Montreal crowd. But he’s a nice guy, don’t they realise??? Orton and Reigns did a long talky segment which was very, very boring.

Orton’s a good promo but he’s a reactive promo. That’s why they don’t give him the twenty-minute slots others get on his own. But when he’s reacting to a bad promo, like Reigns, it’s dull as dishwater.

Thankfully, The New Day came out to save us all from tedium. I laughed as Orton nodded and clapped along to their music. Little things.

They cut a talky on Orton & Reigns and then announced that Kane had made a match – Orton & Reigns versus The New Day. All three of them, in a handicap match.

So they had a long and boring match. It ended when Orton RKOd Xavier Woods and Reigns tried to spear Kofi Kingston but ended up spearing Orton. Big E dragged Reigns out of the ring and Kingston pinned Orton.

After the match, Reigns was upset with himself at what had happened, and probably in shock that the WWE Tag Team Champions had won a match against two singles competitors.

While Orton & Reigns were still in the ring, Kane came out and said there was no shame in losing to the tag team champions (well, he says that…) but that their night wasn’t over: tonight’s main event is Orton versus Reigns. Truth be told, they didn’t seem that bothered about that.

Backstage, Kane walked past The New Day, who were celebrating their win. He was unamused. Seth Rollins walked up, with J&J Security, and said that if Kane thought that making that main event would put things right with The Authority when they return, he was wrong.

Kane replied by putting Rollins in a match against Dean Ambrose, and banning J&J Security from ringside. Rollins wasn’t happy so Kane offered to have him fight one-handed, and Rollins stomped away. Good stuff, that.

Backstage Renee was in the ring, and The Ryback came down for an interview. The fans chanted “BORING!” and “GOLDBERG!” at him, and he tried to diffuse it in a way that made me feel really sorry for him. One should not feel sorry for monsters.

THe Ryback said some stuff about Bray Wyatt that came across as one of those shitty inspirational things he blathered on about months ago. Wyatt appeared on the screen and cut one of his talkies, the ones that sound good but mean nothing. This whole segment was terrible and boring. No-one wants to see this feud. NO-ONE.

Hey, it’s Tyson Kidd & Cesaro! And they’ve got Natalya with them! They came down to the ring and had a match with The Ascension, and it was a good match.

The highlight was Cesaro sprinting between corners, delivering uppercuts to Viktor, who he’d whipped into said corner before him. He must have done, like, twenty, and the crowd loved EVERY ONE OF THEM. So. Over.

Kidd & Cesaro got the win with the big swing/dropkick combo and Montreal exploded with joy.

Backstage Renee, backstage again, spoke to Seth Rollins. He called Kane a moron before walking off for his match with Ambrose.

Hey, it’s Dean Ambrose! He came down to the ring for his match with Rollins, but before they locked up Kane came out. He announced that, if Ambrose won the match he’d be added to the main event at Payback, which did not please Rollins AT ALL.

They had a great match. They got all their stuff in. Well, Ambrose did – does Rollins even have stuff now they’ve taken away the kerb stomp and he doesn’t really use the drive-by?

Ambrose was about to get the win when J&J Security ran down. The ref didn’t call for the DQ, which would have given Ambrose the win anyway, and Ambrose fought them off and surprised Rollins with a roll-up for the pinfall victory.

After the match, Ambrose ran off before J&J Security could get at him and Rollins seethed in the ring. So it’s a four-way, then: Rollins versus Orton versus Reigns versus Ambrose. Curious.

In The Authority’s “office”, Kane was on the ‘phone but Rollins barged in on him. Rollins said that the WWE Universe had voted for a three-way but Kane had just made it four. Kane offered to keep adding people to the match, and Rollins got madder and madder. Kane said it was all to make Rollins a stronger champion and said he had a plan.

Backstage, Byron Saxton spoke to Lana about the positive reaction she’s been getting. Fandango interrupted to tell Lana to just let it flow, before Rusev angrily pulled Lana away.

Hey, it’s Fandango! He was trying to get the crowd to fandango with him when Rusev’s music hit and he came out with Lana.

They had a match and it was mostly Rusev. Okay, it was pretty much ALL Rusev. He threw Fandango over the top rope and Fandango walked over to Lana, trying to get her to fandango with him. She did, and Rusev sent Lana to the back. Booooooooo!

Back in the ring, Fandango made a comeback before Rusev hit the thrust kick and locked on the Accolade for the win. Good stuff.

They hyped up Tough Enough and the E-60 special on ESPN about NXT, and then things went south for a while. And by “south”, I mean “shit”.

R-Truth came out, and he and Stardust had a re-match of their King Of The Ring quarter-final from last week. I know! I was begging to see it again, too!

Stardust had a mysterious bag with him, and R-Truth kept trying to see what was in it before Stardust would cut him off. Eventually, Truth opened the bag and it was full of plastic spiders.

R-Truth, who we learned last week is afraid of spiders, freaked out and got rolled up for the win. He ran away and Stardust played with the spiders in the ring. Fucking hell.

Hey, it’s John Cena! He came down to the ring to do his usual schpiel – Rusev, I Quit, fighting champion, etc. The crowd were giving him a HUGELY hard time but he turned it round in a masterclass of babyface talking that should be shown on a loop at the performance centre.

He challenged the back and Bret Hart’s music hit. Cena was all, is he going to fight?, but Hart said he’d come out to introduce a great wrestler.

Out came Heath Slater. Somehow, I suspect he’s NOT the great wrestler. He said he’d been attacked out of nowhere by Randy Orton, attacked out of nowhere by Rusev, and he was sick of getting attacked out of nowhere. Out of nowhere, Bret Hart attacked him with the mic’ and laid him out. Gold.

Hart then introduced the great wrestler… SAMI FUCKING ZAYN! Now this was in Montreal. So the crowd loved him. But, fuck, they’d have loved him anywhere.

Zayn ran down to the ring and was so pumped up that he injured his shoulder throwing his arms up in the air. Oops. And FFS.

But you know what? They went on and had a fucking great match anyway. Cena immediately hit to back suplexes to cover for Zayn’s injury, and the ref called for a doctor. Zayn decided to fight on and you really wouldn’t have known he was hurt. He’s THAT good.

So Cena won, of course, but not before Zayn had hit a Blue Thunder Bomb and his diving through the corner DDT thing that everyone FREAKED OUT over.

After the match, Cena raised Zayn’s arm and left him in the ring to take the cheers and the applause of the crowd. Instant new babyface hit.

Backstage, The Bella Twins were walking down a corridor. The New Day were still celebrating. Heh heh.

After a break, Backstage Renee tried to speak to Sami Zayn but The New Day interrupted. It should be annoying but it’s really not. Good work, fellas. They were interrupted by Tyson Kidd, Cesaro & Natalya, and they had a talky back and forth, which ended when Natalya led a “New Day… Sucks!” chant and The New Day walked off.

Hey, it’s The Bella Twins! They got booed. Didn’t the crowd get the phantom turn memo? Suddenly, Naomi attacked them from behind. Her hair was in braids and for a moment I thought it was Booker T.

She had someone with her, who Michael Cole identified as Tamina Snuka. The two (actual) heels put the boots to the Bella Twins and Naomi told them their dominance of the Divas division is over.

They showed footage of Bad News Barrett winning the King Of The Ring tournament, and he came down to the ring and told the crowd he’d deliver a Bullhammer to anyone who questioned his rulership.

After a break, Sheamus was in the ring with Barrett, for a match with Dolph Ziggler & Neville. In an inset promo, Ziggler noted that he’d made Sheamus bleed last week.

So they had a match and it was decent, and the heels got the win when Barrett hit Neville with a mid-air Bullhammer. This feud must continue!

Hey, it’s our main event! It’s Roman Reigns versus Randy Orton! Because!

Reigns and Orton came out, but before they could start Kane came out. This sounds familiar. Kane, Rollins, and J&J Security came down to ringside and Jamie Noble got on the mic’ and declared himself special ring announcer. He said Joey Mercury was special “bellkeeper”, Kane was special ringside enforcer, and that Rollins was special commentator. Okay.

They had a back and forth, until Kane yanked Reigns out of the ring just as he was about to deliver his spear. The Authority put the boots to Orton on the outside, and Reigns hit his plancha over the top onto all of them.

The Authority recovered and began beating on Orton and Reigns in the ring when Dean Ambrose ran down to make the save. Ambrose, Orton and Reigns cleared the ring but then Orton hit Reigns with an RKO. Ambrose and Orton came face-to-face and then Ambrose hit Dirty Deeds on Orton and stood alone in the ring to end the show.

That was a Good Show. It was almost a Great Show but the first forty minutes REALLY dragged. After that, and save for the stupid spiders shit, it was good stuff. See, they can do it…

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