Linus Report: WWE Raw, 27/04/2015

Hey, it’s WWE Raw! If I had my way, Dean Ambrose & Luke Harper would still be fighting!

The show started with a video package hyping the King of the Ring. It didn’t used to be a PPV but then it was and now it’s not again. Some people won it.

Seth Rollins came down to the ring, accompanied by Kane and J&J Security. Rollins said that he’d shown Randy Orton what everyone else already knew – you can’t outsmart Seth Rollins.

He said he’d single-handedly built The Shield, single-handedly destroyed it, cashed in his Money In The Bank shot at Wrestlemania, and proved himself to be a fighting champion.

He said he’d done it all alone, all by himself, and Kane shot him a look. Rollins said he’d dropped the ultimate insult on Orton, finishing him with his own move, an SKO, and then he laughed with J&J Security about a Seth KO.

He said he wanted to thank the little people, too, for doing their jobs well, like Kane, the gatekeeper. Only he called him The Cryptkeeper, a relic from the 90s that no-one remembers. It was a terrible joke and poorly-delivered.

Kane spoke up. He said that if it wasn’t for his actions as the Gatekeeper, and if it wasn’t for Rollins getting away with an illegal move, Randy Orton would be champion. Kane said that Rollins would be out here whining and moaning, and that he’d rather be the WWE’s version of The Cryptkeeper than WWE’s version of Justin Bieber. Rollins said Kane was just jealous and he should just go home.

Randy Orton’s music played and The Viper came out to the top of the ramp. He said he wasn’t usually the kind of guy to complain about cheating but if Kane was admitting he’d cheated then maybe he deserved a re-match. Rollins tried to interrupt and Orton said, “be quiet, catwoman.”

Then Roman Reigns’s music hit and Randy Orton made me laugh by looking all over the arena to see where he was coming from. The same place as always, weirdly. Edgy.

Reigns got up on the announcers’ table and posed for the crowd. Rollins wanted to know why he was out there and Reigns noted that The Authority was missing a giant. That was because he’d speared him through a table at Extreme Rules.

He said Orton had gotten his shot at the PPV and that no-one deserved a title shot more than him. Rollins pointed out that neither of them deserved a title shot, because he’d beaten them both.

Kane interrupted and said that Orton & Reigns both made compelling arguments. He said he would do what was best for business, and made a tag main event of he & Rollins versus Orton & Reigns. He also said he’d leave it up to the WWE Universe to decide Rollins’s opponent at Payback. That went on FOREVER.

Hey, it’s Dolph Ziggler! He came out to fight Bad News Barrett in a first round match in the King Of The Ring Tournament. Why was this just thrown together at 24-hours’ notice? Weird.

So these two were having a decent enough match when Sheamus shambled out onto the ramp and distracted Ziggler. For ages. Still worked, though, because Ziggler ate a bullhammer for a Barrett win. Ehhhhhh.

Backstage, The New Day were shown walking down a corridor. They’re up next!

After a break, it’s The New Day! Despite Big E & Kofi Kingston actually winning the belts at Extreme Rules, it was Big E & Xavier Woods holding them tonight. Freebird rules?

They suggested that the crowd chant “New Day Rocks” instead of “New Day Sucks” and some of the idiots obliged.

Tyson Kidd & Cesaro, with Natalya, came out, and it’s Kidd versus Big E because the best way to get tag-team belts over is singles matches, I guess.

Big E won with an assist from Xavier Woods and The New Day celebrated. The whole thing lasted less than two minutes. Ehhhhhhhhhh.

Remember at Extreme Rules when The Ryback beat up Bo Dallas for no good reason? Well, now he’s fighting Bo Dallas on Raw!

Dallas said he wanted to be the bigger man by letting The Ryback walk away before the match. The Ryback did NOT walk away so Dallas said all he had to do was bo-lieve…

The Ryback won in two minutes with the Shell Shock. After the match, Bray Wyatt attacked The Ryback and left him lying after Sister Abigail. This is the feud that everyone wants to see. Isn’t it?

Hey, it’s John Cena! He came out and did a long talky about the whole Rusev thing. He said that, whatever happened at Payback, it would be the last chapter in their story – if Rusev made him say “I Quit” he wouldn’t deserve a re-match.

He said he was still continuing with his fighting challenge, and waited to see who would come out and it was… Heath Slater.

Now Slater was supposed to have taken on Cena on last week’s show but Randy Orton RKO’d him out of nowhere. Today, after he cut some kind of funny, he was attacked out of nowhere by Rusev, and thrown off the stage. Sucks to be him.

Rusev stared at Cena and was joined on the stage by Lana. She started waving at the crowd when they chanted her name and Rusev sent her to the back. Rusev cut a talky on Cena and said that, “like all of these stupid Americans, Cena will be saying, ‘I quit!'” and the Russian flag dropped. John Cena looked a little sad.

Backstage, Kane was confronted by Seth Rollins, who wanted to know what he meant by letting the WWE Universe decide his opponent at Payback and Kane said it would be a vote on the WWE App. Rollins went off on one and Kane decided to add an option – as well as Rollins versus Orton & Rollins versus Reigns, the fans could also vote for Rollins versus Orton versus Reigns! “A triple threat match! A triple threat match! That’s the last thing I want! That’s the last thing I want!” said Rollins (said Rollins).

Back in the arena, it was King of the Ring time, and that eagerly-anticipated match between Stardust and R-Truth. It was mostly Stardust but R-Truth got the win with his Lie Detector. Yay?

After a break, Fandango came down to the ring for a match with Adam Rose. This is two men whose overness depends on their entrances so, of course, only one of them got a (curtailed) entrance.

Before they could have much of a match, Rosa Mendes – a Rosebud, it seems – distracted Fandango and Rose got the win. After the match, Mendes said Fandango did not deserve to dance to their music, and now she had found someone who treats her like a sweet flower. And then she & Rose made out. For ages. PG!

Backstage Renee spoke to Brie Bella about her sister’s success and her husband’s health. These two very real things were somehow beyond Brie emoting in any real way, and she “acted” her way through the whole thing, badly. Naomi obviously felt similar to me because she attacked Brie and said no-one cared about Brie or her husband. I wouldn’t have gone that far, though.

So Brie and Naomi had a match, with Nikki at ringside. Bad match, which Naomi won with the deadly roll-up – the third time in six matches it had been used on this show.

Hey, it’s Dean Ambrose! He’d make a great King Of The Ring! He’s fighting Sheamus, who was King Of The Ring once upon time.

They had a decent match, going over twelve minutes, until Dolph Ziggler ran out and attacked Sheamus, giving him the win by DQ. Ehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

Ambrose had a freak out in the ring after the match. We’re with you, Dean, we’re with you!

After a break, Damien Sandow was in the ring. He said he was back to using his old name and then ran through his old gimmicks, with the help of footage on the TitanTron. He thanked the fans for making a connection with him during his Mizdow period but said he didn’t know where to go from here.

Curtis Axel interrupted him and came down to the ring. Axel said if there’s one thing he cannot stand is a guy who doesn’t know who he is and tries to be someone else. Funny.

Sandow started mimicking Axel, who got progressively angry. Sandow then big-booted Axel and kicked him out of the ring. He posed to his new music to the mild approval of the crowd…

Bray Wyatt cut a talky from his spooky room. He said that whatever “you” had gone through tonight was just the beginning. I presume he’s talking about The Ryback, although he could also mean us. I hope it’s not us.

Back in the arena, it was time for the last King Of The Ring match! It’s Neville versus Luke Harper! First time match-up!

All these guys had been doing inset promos before these matches, and Neville gave me a Wicked earworm by pledging to defy gravity. Harper’s was awful.

They had a decent match, ten minutes of Neville flying and Harper brutalising, which is just as it should be. Neville got the win with the Red Arrow to move onto the semi-finals. They’re on the WWE Network on Tuesday and if you’re lucky I might review them. Oh, who am I kidding, I’m locked into this stuff now…

Hey, it’s time for our main event! It’s Randy Orton & Roman Reigns versus Kane & Seth Rollins! And after the match we’ll find out the main event for Payback!

The match started slow but had a good finish. They went almost twenty minutes, and they all worked hard. No ‘phoning it in for these guys.

The finish came when Kane, Orton & Reigns were on the outside and Rollins hit a tope suicida onto Orton & Reigns but they moved and he hit Kane with a glancing blow.

Kane got mad and threw Rollins back into the ring, where Reigns hit him with a Superman Punch and Orton hit an RKO for the win.

After the match, Kane got on the mic’ and revealed that, at Payback, Rollins would face Orton and Reigns in a Triple Threat match for the WWE World Heavyweight Championship.

Rollins freaked out and got speared by Reigns for his troubles. Orton smirked up on the ramp, and that’s your show.

This was a Decent Show, moving things forward after the PPV the night before. Hotshotting the King Of The Ring was odd, but at least it’s something new, right?

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