Linus Report: WWE Smackdown, 12/03/2015

Hey, it’s WWE Smackdown! It’s the show that thinks you’re a turd, brother.

The show started with Daniel Bryan come down to the ring. The announcers ran down the latest happenings with the Intercontinental hot potato.

Bryan said that he’d been trying to ignore the Wrestlemania sign but that he had to acknowledge he couldn’t repeat last year’s success.

He put over the Intercontinental title and said that his heroes of the past were all Intercontinental champions, and were always more exciting than anything going on in the Heavyweight championship. Preach it!

He said that the Intercontinental title is the one title he’d never won, and so he was officially entering himself in the Intercontinental title ladder match at Wrestlemania.

This brought out Bad News Barrett, who said that since he was the Intercontinental champion he should be Bryan’s new hero. Dolph Ziggler came out and said that Barrett may not be Bryan’s hero, but he’s his. He said he’s never seen someone so delusional and desperate to be relevant his entire life. I don’t think Ziggler knows what a hero is.

Luke Harper came out and said he wanted his Wrestlemania moment, which was just odd. And then Dean Ambrose appeared, and tried to start a fight.

Just as they were about to go at it, Stardust’s music hit, and he stormed down to the ring, ranting and frantically searching for something. He got in the ring and accused them all of stealing his “white stallion of the milky way”.

At this point, some of you might be thinking, “what happened to that Goldust feud he had?”, and the answer is, “they dropped it, dead.” *Shrug*

No-one in the ring knew where the belt was, of course, because R-Truth had it. And he came out to the top of the ramp, with it in his burlap sack, and pulled it out and said he’d hold onto it until Wrestlemania, which I slowly realised is fucking ages away.

Barrett said he’d never win or something blah, and then they all fought in the ring as Truth watched. The babyfaces dumped the heels and the Smackdown theme played to end the segment.

I was really quite into this angle the past couple of weeks but, boy, are they flogging it into the ground. Things would only get worse…

Backstage, Tyson Kidd & Cesaro, and Natalya, were walking along a corridor. They’re in an eight-man tag match next!

Hey, it’s the Usos! They came down to the ring, with Naomi, to team with two of The New Day, who were already in the ring. Los Matadores, also in the ring (with Torito), would team with Tyson Kidd & Cesaro, who came out next. Yeah, Los Matadores are heels now, and they did an inset promo saying they’d do whatever it took to get their Wrestlemania moment. Again *shrug*

So they had a match. And it was spot, spot, spot, spot, including dives onto their own teammates. At some point during this match, I wondered where The Ascension disappeared to. The answer is Main Event, but wouldn’t they be a better fit here than Los Matadores? Is it because they don’t have a third?

Anyway, Los Matadores and Kidd & Cesaro got the win when Cesaro gave Kofi Kingston an uppercut, and Los Matadores pulled a switcheroo behind the ref’s back to make the cover. Yeah, overbooked rubbish.

They showed the Sting video from Raw, and his voice doesn’t sound any better. They’re claiming it actually was him, but with the pitch shifted. Why? Whyyyyyyyyyy?????

The announcers told us that a six-man tag had been made for the main event – Ambrose, Ziggler & Bryan versus Barrett, Stardust & Harper.

Hey, it’s The Ryback! He’s fighting The Miz because Andre The Giant Memorial Battle Royal.

While The Ryback waited in the ring, Backstage Renee interviewed The Miz and Mizdow. The Miz bigged himself up and played down The Ryback’s chances of winning the aforementioned Battle Royal. Mizdow tried to remind him tough The Ryback was and The Miz blew him off and ordered him to stay in the back and press his pants and get him a latte.

So The Miz and The Ryback had a match. And it was okay but nothing you’d ever want to use valuable room in your limbic system to remember. The Ryback won with the Shell Shock.

After a break, Roman Reigns came down to the ring. They showed some of Paul Heyman’s promo from Raw and Roman whined about being disrespected and that Heyman is always telling him he can’t. But, he said, he can, and he will at Wrestlemania.

Mark Henry, of all people, came out. We haven’t seen him since the Raw after Survivor Series, in October.

He told Reigns that he’d been in the back listening. He said that either Reigns was a comedian or too many coconuts had fallen on his head. When did WWE hire all these racist writers?

He said that Heyman was getting under Reigns’s skin, and that Reigns couldn’t beat Lesnar. He spoke for all of us when he said that he didn’t know who Reigns was and that Reigns didn’t have an identity.

He said Lesnar had nearly killed him and broke his arm, and wondered if Reigns was ready for that. He asked if Lesnar or the people respected Reigns, and the people – on this pre-taped and edited show – cheered.

Henry said Reigns had to earn the respect of the boys in the back and Reigns walked away. Henry stopped him and told him that was his problem, and shoved him. Reigns responded with a Superman Punch because tough man.

Henry rolled out of the ring and Reigns ran full around that ring to spear Henry through the ringside barriers. Reigns grabbed a mic’ and said, “I can, and I will. Believe that.”

This kind of made Reigns look like a bully more than a tough man, but I can see what they were trying to do. However, Henry’s a far better promo than Reigns and putting him in straight after a Reigns promo just highlighted that weakness again.

Backstage, AJ Lee & Paige were walking down a corridor. They’re fighting next.

Hey, it’s AJ Lee & Paige! They’re fighting Summer Rae and Cameron, who have Eva Marie in their corner, because #GiveDivasAChance means randomly shoving them all on TV.

The Bella Twins were on commentary, but added little. Paige & AJ Lee won the short match with Paige’s PTO on Summer Rae. It was what it was.

After the match, the Bella Twins and Paige & AJ Lee (they really need a team name) had a confrontation. They’ll fight at Wrestlemania, which is – it’s becoming more apparent – is WEEKS away.

Backstage, Mark Henry was interviewed while being checked over by a doctor. He told Backstage Renee that Roman Reigns had made a believer out of him tonight. He said he wasn’t saying Reigns would beat Lesnar, but he thinks he can. Great, all Reigns has to do to win over the fans is to PUNCH & SPEAR them all.

On Raw they’d announced that Randy Orton would be making his return to Smackdown, and he did. In a pre-taped, sit-down interview with Michael Cole. It’s like they’re finding new ways to troll us.

Anyway, Orton calmly laid out his plans for revenge against Seth Rollins for putting him out for four months. Cole asked him what his next step was, and Orton said that it was to spit in Rollins’s face – which is disgusting – and challenge him to a match at Wrestlemania. If I were Rollins I’d say no.

Hey, it’s our main event! It’s Daniel Bryan, Dolph Ziggler & Dean Ambrose – all the Ds – versus Luke Harper, Stardust & Bad News Barrett!

They had long match, and decent, match. With these guys in, that shouldn’t be a surprise. What was notable was Stardust’s willingness to play crash test dummy for Dean Ambrose, including a weird move that started out like an Atomic Drop and ended with Ambrose sitting out and Stardust facedown on the mat. The announcers did not know what to call it. Clearly, I don’t either.

Anyway, the good guys won when Ziggler escaped a Luke Harper Argentina backbreaker and hit the Zig Zag, only for Daniel Bryan to tag in and hit the running knee for the pin.

After the match, Michael Cole entered the ring to talk to Bryan, but Ziggler interrupted and said that Bryan stole his win. He also said that Bryan wouldn’t have Lady Luck on his side at Wrestlemania this year, unlike last year.

Ambrose cut in and thanked the other for helping with the win, and took credit for the idea to steal the Intercontinental belt. He said Ziggler had an inferiority complex because he didn’t think he was as good as Bryan, and that Bryan was a turd. Ziggler seconded that, erm, motion, and that’s your show.

Well, that was an odd finish to a Below Average Show. I can’t even imagine what the writer’s thought they were doing with this one, and it’s clearly not the same guys who’ve been writing the past two weeks, when Smackdown has been good value. My overriding feeling at the end of the show is that Wrestlemania is still so far away. And that Daniel Bryan is a turd.

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