Hey, it’s WWE Raw! And stick with me, they almost pulled off a fantastic show!
The show started with former WWE World Heavyweight Champion, Brock Lesnar, coming down to the ring with his advocate, Paul Heyman.
Heyman introduced himself as the advocate for “the most non-PG ass-kicker of the PG Era”. He said he was going to talk about what happened at Wrestlemania, where his client had suplexed Roman Reigns over and over again. The crowd started chanting “SUPLEX CITY!” and Heyman corrected them by pointing out it was, “Suplex City, bitch!”
Heyman described Lesnar’s destruction and tried to put Reigns over a little for his fight but said he had a long way to go. He said Lesnar had finally had enough and hit a final F5 and then out came slimy Seth Rollins, who cashed in his Money In The Bank shot, made it a triple threat and pinned the challenger to win the title.
Heyman said he had advised his client to go the legal route, and serve an injunction on the title, tying the WWE up in court for months. But Lesnar refused. Instead, he wanted to invoke his re-match clause. And not at Summerslam, or Extreme Rules, or even next year’s Wrestlemania, but on Raw, right now!
This brought out Stephanie McMahon, who was selling the arm that Ronda Rousey hurt at Wrestlemania. She said everyone was ready to move past Sunday night and that Rollins wasn’t even there yet because he was flying back from New York where he’d done TV interviews.
She said that Rollins was a fighting champion and would surely be up for the challenge – when he arrived.
Stephanie left and Heyman said that his client would wrestle on Raw for the first time in ten years. And he would give Rollins a beating and regain his title. The crowd seemed very much in favour of this happening.
After a break, new WWE Intercontinental Heavyweight Champion Daniel Bryan was already in the ring, and the crowd were chanting “YES!” He was soon joined by Dolph Ziggler, and Lilian Garcia announced that they would be having a title match.
So they had a title match. And it was a good title match. If they’re going to do that thing of having the same people fight the same people over and over, I don’t mind if it’s these two.
Bryan successfully defended his title, ending the match with a running knee out of nowhere for the pin.
After the match, Wade Barrett – who’d been sitting in on commentary – jumped in the ring and attacked Bryan. He readied a Bullhammer but suddenly Sheamus’s music hit and the returning Irishman charged down the ramp.
Barrett took a powder and Sheamus – with a ridiculous new haircut and beard plaits, like Captain Lou Albano playing at punk – took the cheers of the crowd. As Bryan got to his feet, Sheamus hit him with a Brogue Kick, and then stalked after Ziggler.
Ziggler made a brief comeback but Sheamus hit him with a Brogue Kick, too, and posed in the ring as the crowd chanted “you look stupid!” He grabbed a mic’ and said, “I’m back!” Obviously.
Hey, it’s the Lucha Dragons! In front of this crowd, they were super over, which hopefully carries forward. They were the last two out for an eight-man tag match which was a bit of an NXT reunion.
Facing them were The Ascension, Tyson Kidd & Cesaro – all NXT alumni – and they were teaming with The New Day. If it had been Big E and Xavier Woods it would have been an NXT party, but Kofi Kingston had to spoil the fun.
So, yeah, they looked good. Sin Cara didn’t botch anything, and Cesaro acted as a great base for Kalisto’s eye-catching offense. Even The Ascension and The New Day looked good. Miracles.
The babyface team got the win when Kalisto hit the Salida del Sol on Viktor, to a massive pop. Who needs Rey Mysterio Jr?
Backstage, Paul Heyman told Brock Lesnar that Seth Rollins had arrived from New York…
They showed an Adrian Neville hype video. It was good.
After a break it was time for the WWE World Heavyweight Championship re-match between Brock Lesnar and new champion Seth Rollins.
Lesnar came down to the ring first, and was then joined by Rollins. The referee asked Rollins for the belt but the champion hesitated and then rolled out of the ring.
He grabbed a mic’ and said he was feeling jetlagged. And his foot hurt from kerb stomping Lesnar and Reigns at Wrestlemania. He said he was a fighting champion – just not tonight.
Lesnar left the ring and attacked Rollins. He threw him into the ring and suplexed him, but Rollins landed on his feet and kicked Lesnar in the head. Lesnar shook it off and Rollins hightailed it out of the ring. Lesnar caught him by the barriers but J&J Security ran interference and Rollins ran for the hills.
Lesnar was mad. He shoved the announcers’ table over, trapping JBL & Booker T underneath, and then grabbed Michael Cole – who had escaped – and dragged him into the ring. He hit an F5 and Cole’s shoe came off – a fitting visual metaphor for what Lesnar had done to him.
Not finished yet, Lesnar grabbed a local jobber cameraman and set him up for an F5, too. This brought out Stephanie McMahon again, who begged him to stop.
Lesnar F5’d him anyway and Stephanie scolded him, telling him that he was suspended for his actions. As Heyman tried to talk Lesnar down, the Beast picked up the cameraman again and gave him another F5, before finally stalking off. Brilliant segment. By destroying that announce team, Lesnar became my favourite wrestler of ALL TIME.
After a break, paramedics were with the fallen announcers. There was no commentary. They showed replays of what had just happened.
Backstage Renee talked to Stephanie McMahon about Lesnar’s actions. He said he’ll still get his title rematch but that he has to pay for what he’d done. She said he couldn’t walk out and go back to MMA because she owned “that son of a bitch”…
They showed a graphic for upcoming action on Raw but there was still no commentary. It was oddly relaxing, like a house show on NJPW World.
They came back after a break with Stardust in the ring, wearing his Mr Sinister get-up from Wrestlemania. Byron Saxton was on solo duties on commentary, and didn’t even get a chair. By forcing us to listen to Saxton – and Saxton alone – Lesnar became my least favourite wrestler of ALL TIME.
Hey, it’s Mizdow! Why is he still Mizdow? He broke free of The Miz at Wrestlemania! I’m sure The Miz will not be happy about that…
So Stardust and Mizdow had a match and it was kind of a squash. Yes, Mizdow won a squash match. He won it with the Skullcrushing Finale and was celebrating in the ring when The Miz, in civvies, attacked him.
The Miz hot a Skullcrushing Finale of his own on Mizdow, and trash-talked him, reminding him he was nothing without The Miz. He shouted at the crowd, telling them that they caused this to happen.
They showed a video of all the nice things they did for charity and community over the Wrestlemania weekend. It’s hard to hate these things so why even try? There’s no bad reason to do a good thing.
Back in the arena, Curtis Axel was in the ring. He said it had taken twenty-nine other men to eliminate him from the Andre The Giant Battle Royal on Sunday but that we shouldn’t worry – the Road To Axtreme Rules started here!
Hey, it’s Adrian Neville! IT’S FUCKING ADRIAN FUCKING NEVILLE! He got the call-up! And it looks like all he lost on the way up was his first name!
So, yeah, Neville destroyed Curtis Axel in just over a minute, finishing him with a perfectly executed Red Arrow. Axel made him look a million dollars. The only downside was a sombre Byron Saxton – still selling the death of his colleagues – didn’t put much into commentary.
They plugged a live edition of Chris Jericho’s podcast after next week’s Raw. His guest will be John Cena. That’s the Stone Cold spot. Interesting.
Byron Saxton was still standing next to the destroyed remains of the announcers’ table, which I guess has to stay that way because it’s a crime scene or something.
John Cena came out wearing the WWE United States Heavyweight Title, which he won from Rusev at Wrestlemania. He had a new t-shirt which said “THE CHAMP IS HERE” and had an arrow pointing down to the belt. When he took the belt off, there was a picture of the belt on the t-shirt. They stole that from Alberto el Patrón!
This being a post-Wrestlemania “smark” crowd, they did not like Cena. He acknowledged this, and even congratulated them on their musical ability when they sang “John Cena Sucks!” He told, though, that they better get used to it, because he planned to stay the champion for a long time.
He issued an open challenge for anyone in the back to fight for his title and Byron Saxton said, “here comes Rusev!”
Rusev did not come.
Instead, Dean Ambrose came out! Last time we saw him, he’d been folded in two on a pair of stepladders at Wrestlemania but this is the guy who shrugged off a BROKEN TRACCHEA and DEATH BY ELECTROCUTION so what does a spine injury matter?
They had a long match and a good match and all the usual spots were there. Cena put on the STFU and Ambrose put on one of his own. Cena hit an AA and Ambrose hit Dirty Deeds. Cena did his wavey hand and Ambrose did his rope bounce clothesline. You know the stuff. But it was good.
Cena won with a second Attitude Adjustment and, after the match, extended his hand to Ambrose, who slapped it in appreciation. So far they’ve done a good job of making these secondary belts mean something.
Backstage Renee spoke to Seth Rollins, who was cock of the walk after Lesnar had been suspended and ejected from the building. He vowed to stay champion for a long time.
Suddenly, Randy Orton appeared. He told Rollins that he had damn near ripped his head off with the RKO at Wrestlemania and he wanted a title shot. He said that he was a big problem, staring Rollins right in the face.
Kane & The Big Show walked up behind Rollins and Rollins told Orton that he may have one problem but Orton had three. He told Orton to find some partners – if he could – for tonight’s six-man main event. Which I guess he just made. *shrug*
Back in the arena, AJ Lee came down to the ring and we went to a commercial break.
When we came back, AJ was with Paige & Naomi, and Natalya was waiting at ringside. The Bella Twins came out, and this was a six-Diva tag match. #GiveSixDivaTagMatchesAChance
So they had a match and it wasn’t bad. It wasn’t great or anything but I have few complaints, other than AJ’s running style but what’s she gonna do about that at her age?
The good gals won when Naomi used her bum to pin Brie Bella after Nikki had accidentally hit Brie. Oops, eh?
Oh, and the fans were dicks during this. I don’t like the women all that much but chanting about their presumed sexual habits is rum.
Halfway through the match, as they returned from a commercial break, Jerry Lawler was with Byron Saxton. I guess he wasn’t expecting to work tonight and usually isn’t even at Raw. How lucky!
Lawler & Saxton made for a better pairing than Saxton & Saxton, and they again showed a replay of just why they were in that situation.
Backstage, The Ryback approached Randy Orton and offered to be his partner for the main event tag match. Randy accepted.
Hey, it’s Goldust! You might remember him from last night’s jobber Battle Royal! Tonight he’s fighting Rusev. Rusev is angry and determined. Rusev is without Lana. Rusev has squeezing on his mind.
So Rusev beat Goldust. And beat him well. He celebrated under the Russian flag as the announcers speculated we may be looking at the beginning of another win streak…
Our main event was up next, and Seth Rollins’s music brought out Rollins, The Big Show & Kane. J&J Security were with them.
Randy Orton came out, and he was joined by The Ryback. The announcers said that this might just end up being a handicap match. I hope so.
Oh, it’s Roman Reigns. He did his usual entrance and the guy from Wrestlemania who had the ROMAN IS A WANK PHEASANT sign happened to be stood right next to where he came out. Gold.
Up to this point, Raw had been great. Everything was good and well done and fresh, even the bits we’d seen before. And then they gave us this as the main event. I did not like this.
I wasn’t alone, because the crowd, smarkish to the extreme, entertained themselves with chants. They cheered for Kevin Owens, Hideo Itami, and Finn Balor. They sang Sami Zayn’s “Ole!” song, informed us Tyler Breeze was gorgeous, and asked us “How you doin’?” in honour of Enzo Amore. They also told The Big Show to retire and told the WWE that this was the “same old shit”. They were right about that, at least.
Reigns got the pin for his team with a spear on Kane after Orton had RKO’d him. I guess it kept Reigns strong. I guess.
The show went off the air with Rollins at the top of the ramp, where he’d gone to escape Orton and Reigns…
This was a Great Show. It was almost a Fantastic Show but they ruined it with the main event. Still, it’s encouraging that they’re still capable of freshening things up and constructing a two-and-three-quarter-hours TV show. Baby steps. Bitch.