Linus Report: Lucha Underground, 04/03/2015

Hey, it’s Lucha Underground! Who’s the mystery man that kidnapped Black Lotus? We don’t find out this week!

The show started with a re-cap of the current storylines featuring Alberto el Patrón & Texano Jr, Mil Muertes & Catrina & Fénix, and Sexy Star & Big Ryck & The Crew.

Alberto was in Dario Cueto’s office. He demanded a match with Texano Jr tonight. Cueto offered him Ricky Mandel. He again demanded Texano Jr, and Cueto offered him Famous B. Alberto was not happy and demanded Texano Jr again but Cueto said that a match like that would take two weeks to promote, and offered him el hijo del Havoc.

Alberto got angry and cleared Cueto’s desk, and Cueto agreed that it did sound like the making of a great main event. Alberto thanked Cueto and left the office, leaving Cueto fingering his bull…

Matt Striker and Vampiro welcomed us to the show, thanked tonight’s band, Amandititita, and said we would see Alberto el Patrón versus Texano Jr for the first time on American soil tonight!

Hey, it’s Melissa Santos! She introduced Mil Muertes, who got a huge cheer on his way to the ring. He’s fighting Fénix, who also got a huge cheer. Tonight’s audience are pumped.

Fénix jumped an approaching Mil Muertes before the bell and they had quite a match. The contrast between Fénix’s fast-paced offense, and Mil Muertes’s stalking pace, was well-worked.

Mid-way through the match, Catrina came out and walked to ringside, no clue as to which man she was with this week, though sadly I’m not in the running.

The finish came when Fénix went up top and Mil Muertes slammed him to the mat, and hit the Flatliner for the win.

After the match, Muertes beckoned Catrina into the ring but she shook her head at him. He grabbed her by the throat and threw her into the corner. Fénix got hold of Muertes’s Mystical Rock™ and smacked him upside the head with it, before knocking him down with an enzuigiri.

Catrina delivered the kiss of death to Mil Muertes and then kissed the face off of Fénix…

They showed a Konnan video, with quotes from Sun Tzu’s “Art Of War” about deception in warfare. He vowed revenge on Cage.

Ivelisse was in Dario Cueto’s office, demanding she be installed as the number one contender to Prince Puma’s title because of her win over Angélico the other week.

Cueto pointed out that she only got that win because Son of Havoc interfered – Havoc shrugged an “I know!” – but that if she wanted to prove herself she could face Angélico again next week, with Son of Havoc prevented from interfering… by being named referee!

Ivelisse grabbed Havoc by the beard and left. Angélico just kind of relaxed his way out of the office, too, before being called back by Cueto to close the door.

In the depths of the Temple, Prince Puma was working out with a punch bag when Alberto el Patrón appeared. He told Puma that he didn’t know how Konnan motivated him but that if he wanted to keep the title he needed to man up. He then told him to pay close attention to his match tonight, because if Puma holds onto the title, he’s coming for it.

Hey, it’s Melissa! She introduced Big Ryck, who was already in the ring, and then Sexy Star, who came down to the ring in her long, black ringcoat.

They’re fighting for the reward of a three-on-one match with The Crew, each of them having their own beef, although I’d say Big Ryck’s “having his eye burned out by a cigar” slightly outweighs Sexy Star’s “had a match once”.

So this was a horrible thing waiting to happen that didn’t turn out all that horrible. Star knocked Ryck down once but other than that he dominated, and got the win by pinning her, strongly, after thinking better of hitting his big slam.

After the match, The Crew stormed the ring and attacked Big Ryck. Sexy Star tried to help but got beaten down. Cisco tried to push a kendo stick into Ryck’s good eye but Ryck kicked him off, and hit a double clothesline to take out the other members of The Crew.

He ripped off his eye-patch and stood in the centre of the ring, daring The Crew to attack. They did not.

After a break, Melissa introduced our main event – Alberto el Patrón versus Texano (who seems to have dropped the “Jr” on Lucha Underground)!

Alberto came to the ring wearing the AAA MegaCampeón belt, which Matt Striker informed us he had won from Texano last year. They showed a video of Alberto detailing his history in the sport, and explaining why he left his previous employer – “they reached out to me with one hand, and slapped me with the other.”

Texano came to the ring and they had a standard lucha libre brawl, which Striker explained for those unfamiliar with that type of match. They locked up early on, and gradually loosened up. Texano rolled to the outside, and Alberto chased him, and was met by a boot on his return to the ring.

Texano landed some punches, and a suplex, and Alberto fought back with a huracánrana. He got the mount and pounded away on Texano, before tossing him outside, and hitting a topé suicida. Texano was first up, and threw Alberto into the barricades and a ringpost.

Texano kept the heat on Alberto back in the ring, until he climbed to the top rope and Alberto tripped him. A huge superplex left both men down on the mat, and when they recovered they traded blows. Alberto hit some clotheslines, and then a backbreaker and a backstabber. He readied a superkick but Texano dodged it and hit a spinebuster.

He set Alberto up on the top rope and then kicked him in the head. Nice. He undid the opposite turnbuckle pad, which referee Marty Elias did not like, and – while the referee was fixing it – he took his bullrope and beat Alberto with it.

Alberto fought back and signalled for his armbar submission but Texano powerbombed him for a nearfall. Alberto grabbed Texano’s arm and drove his knees into it, preparing it for the armbar, and Texano went for his bullrope. Before he could grab it, Alberto hit a DDT.

Spying the bullrope, Alberto picked it up and began whipping Texano with it. The referee, by this time finished with the turnbuckle pad, had no choice but to call for the DQ.

In Dario Cueto’s office, King Cuerno – looking SWANK in a cowboy shirt and cowboy hat – told Cueto he would face Johnny Mundo next week. In a cage match! And that’s your show!

This was a Good Show. The in-ring action was variable, but the whole package delivered. Yes, it lacks a feeling of building to a particular point, but it keeps on rolling along. And Rey Mysterio isn’t far away…

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