Linus Report: WWE Smackdown 05/02/2015


Hey, it’s WWE Smackdown! Let’s hope it’s a FIGHTING show, not a TALKING show!

The show started with a re-cap of the events of Monday’s Raw, with The Authority manipulating Roman Reigns into giving up his automatic slot at Wrestlemania. He’s now got to fight Daniel Bryan at Fastlane, and the winner of that will fight Brock Lesnar at the big one.

Eden Stiles was in the ring to introduce the host of the first segment, Miz. Yeah, it’s MizTV. He came down to the ring with his personal assistant, Mizdow, who he scolded for attempting to stunt double him. He made Mizdow sit at ringside and forbade him from apeing him.

Miz welcomed us to the show and introduced his first guest, Daniel Bryan. He then introduced his second guest, Roman Reigns, who did his usual, tired entrance, and then punched Miz in the mouth. Yeah, that’s our top babyface – punching people who haven’t done anything.

Reigns got on the mic’ and asked Bryan if he thought he was just going to slide in and take his opportunity. Erm, you gave it up, mate. He said he’d beat Bryan at Fastlane and go on to win the world title at Wrestlemania. In fact, he said, why wait? Bryan was up for it.

As they were about to face off, Seth Rollins came out to the top of the ramp, with his goons. He blamed Reigns for his loss to Bryan on Raw, and said Reigns was a coward. He said it doesn’t matter what happens at Fastlane or Wrestlemania because he held the future in his hands – the Money In The Bank tiny golden suitcase.

Rollins said that, later tonight and per The Authority, Bryan would have to face J&J Security, which Bryan looked okay with, and also Seth Rollins, which Bryan – to be fair – also looked okay with. Reigns had the look of a man that doesn’t know what’s going on.

Dolph Ziggler and The Ryback were shown backstage. Ziggler had a weightlifting belt that said, “The Li’l Guy”. Heh.

Backstage Renee caught up with the Miz. He called what just happened a “failed attempt at a publicity stunt” and challenged Reigns to a match later tonight.

Hey, it’s the Dust Brothers! They’re just, like, in the ring, and they’re fighting Dolph Ziggler and The Ryback.

The good guys got the heat early on, but The Ryback got isolated, and the Dust Brothers took over. The Ryback came back and made the tag to Ziggler, who hit a DDT on Stardust for a nearfall. Goldust was shouting to “Cody” for a tag, which annoyed Stardust and he tagged out and walked up the ramp. Nobody calls him Cody and gets away with it. The babyfaces took advantage and The Ryback pinned Goldust with the Shell Shock.

The announcers talked about the situation between Goldust and Stardust, and then they showed the Ernie Ladd Black History Month video again.

Backstage, Dean Ambrose was walking along a corridor. He took a geek’s walkie talkie, spoke into it, and then threw it away as he walked towards the ring. He’s fighting Curtis Axel next.

Axel was already in the ring when we came back from the commercial break, and he told the fans not to change the channel. Poor Curtis. He again reminded us that he was never eliminated from the Royal Rumble, and did the point towards the Wrestlemania sign again. He asked the fans to tweet #AxelMania. I’m not sure anyone did.

Hey, it’s Dean Ambrose! They had a match, which was perfectly fine for TV, and Ambrose won with the Dirty Deeds. I like this feud, they should keep it going.

While Ambrose was in the ring after win, Bad News Barrett appeared on the TitanTron. Barrett appeared to be hosting BNZ – the Bad News Zone – and said he had some breaking news for Ambrose: he won’t be getting an intercontinental title shot anytime soon.

After the break, Fandango and Rosa Mendes were finishing up their tango. Fandango is fighting Adam Rose, who came down to the ring with his Rosebuds. He did his Trust Fall off the bottom rope but the Rosebuds dropped him. This would have been funny if Michael Cole didn’t say seconds before, “remember, they’ve dropped him before.” Fuck off, Cole.

Rose was less than happy and set about the Rosebuds who’d dropped him. The others cowered from him. Rose got into the ring, still angry at the Rosebuds, and Fandango jumped him.

They had a match, and Rose showed his awesome brutal side when he suplexed Fandango onto the hard apron, but Fandango got the win with a spinning heel kick and his top rope leg drop, the Last Dance. The Rosebuds seemed to applaud Fandango’s win…

Hey, it’s the Miz! He made Mizdow sit at ringside again, and fought Roman Reigns. And he really did. The sound was awful for this – almost as if the WWE had altered it in some way?

They had a match in which the Miz had far too much offense against someone of Reigns’s level, but Reigns won with the Superman Punch and the spear. Yay?

After the break, we had another match. They’re really rattling through them tonight. It’s Rusev versus Erick Rowan, in a “re-match” from Monday night, although since that match never got started…

Rowan made it to the ring this time and launched into Rusev. Other than a spinning heel kick from the Russian, this was all Rowan early on. Then Rusev hit a jumping kick of nowhere and locked on the Accolade for the win. Tonight the flag dropped just fine and Rusev looked happy in that intense way of his. Lana got to say nothing. Booooooooo! (no doubt edited to cheers…)

Backstage Renee spoke to Paige about what the Bellas had done to her on Raw on Monday. Those of us in the UK never got to see it because technical difficulties. Apparently they painted her belly black. It was still grey tonight. She said stuff and Renee approved.

Hey, it’s Alicia Fox! And she’s fighting Paige! Again! This wasn’t horrible but it was a WWE women’s match so make your own mind up. Paige won with a wacky submission hold.

Oh, my God! The worst segment EVER to appear on a WWE television show aired next. I may be exaggerating for emphasis, but it was really stinky.

It was the double date between Natalya & Tyson Kidd, and Jimmy Uso & Naomi, only Tyson hadn’t shown up. He then made an appearance with Cesaro in tow and HILARIOUS HI-JINX ensued. Natalya acted like a battered wife in this. Classy.

Bray Wyatt said what Bray Wyatt says from wherever Bray Wyatt says it. I’ll be fucked if I know what he was talking about. Something something Devil something. *Shrug*

Hey, it’s our main event! It’s Daniel Bryan versus Seth Rollins & J&J Security!

Joey Mercury started out with Bryan, and was trying to drag him into the corner for a beatdown, because heels are respecting tag rules in handicap matches now or something. Bryan was too smart for this

Bryan kicked and hit the goons until Rollins tagged in and the heels got on top. Rollins was taunting Bryan, throwing German suplexes and then doing that weird bouncing thing that Lesnar does to mock him and say he wouldn’t be able to cope with Lesnar.

They went for the Shield powerbomb in the corner but Bryan turned it into a rana, and ran wild. He was alternating “Yes!” kicks between the goons in the ring and Rollins surprised him with another German. This time Bryan landed on his feet and dispatched Rollins.

Bryan got the win by applying the Yes! Lock to Mercury, and scuttled out of the ring to the ramp and safety. As the ref was raising his hand, Kane came out and attacked Bryan. He threw him into the ring and chokeslammed him, and then Rollins hit the curb stomp. Poor Daniel Bryan.

The show went off the air as Rollins told Bryan, “good luck making it to Fastlane”.

This was an Okay Show. I cannot make head nor tail of the way they are booking Roman Reigns, especially when they are doing the traditional route with Daniel Bryan. Still, it’s keeping my interest piqued, eh? The Road To Wrestlemania continues along the Fastlane! Or something!