This list first appeared in the end of year issue of VultureHound Magazine, which is free to read at VHmag.com

Yes Christmas films are usually lovely and soppy, they fill your heart with warmth blah blah blah… but seriously? Who believes this crap that is pushed down your throat every year? Merry Christmas.

Home Alone

So, you have fifty odd kids… fine, fair do’s, if you forget to pack one of their lunches for school one day then that is forgivable. But forgetting to take one on holiday with you? Horrific. How about doing a head count? This film could have been so much easier if the mother asked “Where’s Kevin?” as soon as she got in the car and realised that all her children weren’t present.

the-grinch

The Grinch

You find a little green hairy baby, in a tree, during a swinging party? Send it to the authorities, or just yes… send him up to live in that hill and do not invite him down to be cheer meister. He’s big, he’s green, and if that dude walked into your town you would not give him a christmas jumper and try to steal his girlfriend. Leave the poor guy alone.

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Muppets Christmas Carol

If you ever find yourself surrounded by singing animals and vegetables, get yourself to a doctor. You will be grumpy all the time if a dancing frog is telling you to sort your life out.

the-santa-clause

The Santa Claus

Ok, so you’re sat at home on Christmas eve when you hear a bloke on your roof. What do you do? Well apparently Tim Allen’s advice would be to let the man die then steal his clothes. How about you don’t strip Santa Claus off? How about you call the police about a disturbance, and then an ambulance to tend to St Nic.

elf

Elf

This film would have been a lot shorter if the Elves that work for Santa weren’t obviously racist to their fellow Elf buddy, it’s not where you’re from little Elves, it’s where you’re at.

By Sam Hawxwell

Twitter; @sammightsay