Trigger warning for… well look at the title. This could be a trigger warning for pretty much anything.
5. Martha and Stephen Thompson
Martha and Stephen Thompson are just your average, everyday set of suburban residents. They work hard, worship God, and hope one day to find their missing son. What you may not have realised, looking at the photo, is that they actually have arses where their heads should be. Yes, that’s right, arses. You can see it now can’t you? Having a condition like that would be a minor inconvenience to say the least. It’s a maddening entry, because of all the questions posed by this predicament, only a few are ever answered. How do they eat? How do they poop? Does everything taste of… well, you know? And the smell…
4. Paris Hilton’s hideous fate
The Paris Hilton of the South Park universe is not depicted in the most flattering of lights, even by South Park standards. She’s shallow, cold hearted and her left eye is constantly half closed. She’s a vulgar drunk and is not only a total slut, but is loudly proud of the fact. Dodgy, white male version of feminism aside, Paris is a pretty horrific human being. Even her pets chose to kill themselves. She does meet her match, however, in the form of Mr. Fag (Mr. Garrison’s gimp). He is a masochistic, gay man who defines himself as the personification of all homosexual desires and fetishes. So when he challenges Paris to a Whore-Off, Paris makes a good first play by shoving an entire melon up her vagina. Mr. Fag’s response? Shoving an entire Paris Hilton up his anus. Yeah… That was a sight to behold. What was even worse, perhaps, is that the inside of his anus is a stinky, poo ridden, Pan’s Labyrinth style maze, complete with magical creatures to guide her way and send her on quests. So that’s that Masterpiece ruined for me.
3. The Chicken Fucker
I don’t really need to say much more than that, do I? A guy gets into a coop, fucks a bunch of chickens and leaves. Do you really need my help illustrating just how fucked up that is? Do you want me to draw you a picture? Or perhaps you need some justification for his acts? Ok then. He does it to encourage the local illiterate cop to read, which is clearly best handled by the fucking of chickens. Will that do it for you? No? Well screw you then.
Ah yes, we finally get to Cartman’s own entry. For those of you with the stomach to have gotten this far, you will have noticed us mention this little rapscallion’s name close to a dozen times already. There is no other character who so perfectly sums up the fucked up nature of South Park. Not so much a mascot for the series as a talisman, Cartman is the essence of the show incarnate. His penchant for sadistic levels of violence, committed nonchalantly; his insistence that every kind of people on this earth cannot go unoffended; the sheer vitriolic pus that spews from his mouth every time he sees fit to open it. This kid is a racist, homophobic, ginger hating, anti-Semite. He is a Nazi glorifying, holocaust denying, murdering bastard. Hitler was not filled with so much hate at eight years old. This, in itself, is fucked up. But the really fucked up thing is that his character is considered to be one of the most beloved in all of American animation. Before Family Guy he was probably only second to Homer Simpson in terms of iconic status. His visage is on T-Shirts, plushies, bed sheets, lunch boxes, and all other kinds of kid’s paraphernalia. He was on my pencil case at school! This kid tried to give his friend AIDS at one point. AIDS! What the fuck has society become that parents are ok with this?
1. Butters Parents
Oh, you think it stops at Cartman? Well you would be wrong. There is another pair of characters who I think are even more heinous and depraved. A pair of characters whose evil knows no bounds. Those people are… Butters’ Parents. Although from looking at the subtitle and picture you probably knew that. Not sure why I was trying to build suspense. Anyway, Cartman’s acts of malevolence come with the caveat that he is only a child. An enabling, mollycoddling mother is probably more to blame for his acts of maliciousness than he is. Mr and Mrs Stotch are fully grown adults. What the hell is their excuse? Their child is (deliberately) the antithesis of all the other child characters. He hardly ever swears, he never misbehaves and, as Matt Stone himself says, Butters is the picture of “permanent innocence.” Yet, he believes himself to be a problem child. Why? Because no matter how good he acts, he’s never good enough for them. Here are some of the things he’s been grounded for. Not putting the contents of the larder back in exact alphabetical order, having nightmares, being born with a funny face, being gay, not being a profitable commodity to be sold to Paris Hilton, and a thousand other non-incidents. Then there’s the straight up beatings. Once, upon finding out her husband was bisexual, Butters’ mother strapped him into the car and drove it into the lake. Call me old fashioned but parents (people responsible for a life) as crazy as this, are far more fucked up than any eight year old could ever be.
Yep, we’re going all the way to zero with this. That’s how fucked up Raisins is. More than any of the violence, the swearing, or the racial politics, this is the most fucked up thing in South Park. “What is Raisins?” you ask. Why, it’s the South Park version of Hooters, that’s what. Only, in this particular version of Hooters, the waitresses are all eight year old girls. Let that sink in for a minute. Let you brain soak up the image of prepubescent children serving at a tit and ass bar. Let the terrible realization of what the word Raisins must mean in this context dawn upon you. Do you feel sick? Do you feel as if every law of decency and morality you’ve ever held dear has just been horrifically violated? That’s what I felt when I innocently stumbled upon this episode one late weekday night on Comedy Central. The sight of heavily made up girls in tight, revealing outfits is nauseating, even if it is only through the medium of craft paper cut outs. That image has burnt in my mind and festered in it for far too long. Now I curse you with it. No need to thank me dear reader. It is I who should thank you.
Well, that was traumatic. And we never even got into stuff like the Crack Baby Athletic Association, or Cartman joining NAMBLA (Google that acronym at your peril, or possible incarceration). So, there are plenty of other sickening things to discuss. Why not tell us what part of South Park fucked up you the most on Facebook?