Trigger warning for… well look at the title. This could be a trigger warning for pretty much anything.
Trey Parker and Matt Stone have a lot to answer for. In Japan, entire genres, studios and cinematic movements went to work proving that cartoons could be for adults. In late 90’s America, with no other outlet daring to do the same thing, this responsibility rested solely on their shoulders. It’s a task they’ve performed with gusto.You have to marvel at the creativity it takes to find so many ways to be depraved with craft paper cut outs. They’ve been warping the minds of generations for almost two decades now; so, as the self-appointed representative for the generation that has had the most exposure to this filth, it falls upon me to catalogue the things that have fucked us kids up the most.
10. Cartman’s Anal Probe
Quite a title for a first episode, isn’t it? Well, you can’t say they didn’t give us fair warning. Or our parents. Yeah, my parents weren’t too psyched to know I was watching a bunch of eight year olds swear and get penetrated by a group of extra -terrestrials. But that was the point wasn’t it? Entice us with the kind of “Adult” humour no adult would ever be caught dead laughing at. Well, it got me, and, by listening to the subjects of playground banter for the next few weeks, it got my little school chums as well. This was setting us up for the incest and conjoined foetus faces to come. Well played, Trey and Matt. Well played.
9. Butters’ Tap Dancing Massacre
The animators at South Park have turned arts and crafts blood and gore into an art form. Nowhere was this more apparent than the episode You Got F’d in the A. A parody of recent street dancing films, the episode called for Butters, a world-class tap-dancing champ, to bail his friends out of a dance battle, lest they get “Served.” But Butters has a terrible secret. Once, during the finals of a national tap dancing contest, his shoe slipped and it killed eleven people. Don’t believe me? Let’s go through it then. The shoe hits a spotlight causing it to fall on one spectator’s head. The wife of that spectator tries to remove the light from his skull, and she is hit with such a force of electrical current her eyeballs explode. A support beam falls from the ceiling, and impales another. Two are severed in half by a falling wire; three are crushed by falling debris, and another is trampled in the ensuing panic. ‘Hmm…’ I hear you ponder. ‘But that’s only, nine.’ Well, aren’t we the precocious little maths prodigy? Well, Bucko, one of these people is pregnant, and, after the event, a bereaved loved-one commits suicide. See? Eleven. Each death is given such an excruciating amount of detail, that if someone ever wanted to recreate D-Day with papier-mâché, they would know exactly who to call.
8. Mr/Mrs Garrison
A self-identified trans-gendered, gay person being allowed to teach in a Colorado High School is progressive. Putting a deluded gun nut, with a hatred of every minority, including those he claims to be a part of, in charge of a classroom is terrifying. Mr. Garrison’s first major contribution to the show was an assassination attempt. His intense hatred of homosexuality caused him to deny his natural urges for years. He then began a same sex relationship with a man known only as “Mr. Fag” (more on him later), who, when Garrison has a sex change, rejects him for another man. This makes his hatred for gays resurface, and he keeps demanding people come with him for an “old fashioned fag drag.” Oh and he wants to get rid of all the rich people in town by dressing in white sheets, and putting flaming lower case T’s on their lawns. Did I mention all the rich people in town were black?
7. Scott Tenorman
Ah yes, Scott Tenorman, the bullying ninth-grader who tricks Cartman into buying his pubes. Pretty fucked up, right? How about him sending Cartman halfway across the country, telling him to trade them in at a fake pubic hair fair? Or filming him sing like a piggy, and showing it to the whole town? Oh, I know what it is. It’s him tricking Cartman into eating all the pubes of all the boys in school. That must be it? No, that isn’t it. Oh no, the reason that he makes this list isn’t for what he does, he’s in here for what happens to him. Cartman, driven insane by the indignities he’s been subjected too at the hands of the ginger menace, concocts an elaborate scheme, whereby he lures Scott’s parents to be shot as trespassers on a cattle farm; then Cartman grounds their bodies into chili, and then he tricks Tenorman into eating them. Yep, that’s right. Scott Tenorman eats his own parents as chilli. This is seen as a turning point in the show, as it is the first time the full extent of Cartman’s sadistic nature is brought to light.
6. Space Hopper Ballbags
Not had any Randy Marsh so far. What fucked up thing of his will we put in here? Will we put in his addiction to food porn? No. How about dragging his family up a mountain to run a Blockbuster Video? No, I’m putting that on the top of the South Park film parody list. Oh, I know! Him deliberately getting cancer so he can legally buy cannabis. That fucked up enough for you? If not, you might want to consider some serious moral reassessment. Randy, finding out that South Park has passed a bill legalising Marijuana, but only for medicinal purposes, puts his balls into a microwave oven in order to qualify for the treatment. As a result, his balls swell to the size of beach balls. Will this stop our Randy? Of course not. He’s as high as a kite. Why should he give a fuck? He even finds practical uses for them. Like a faster means of transportation by using them as space hoppers. Or, when he has to shrink them down again, the skin makes a handy Scrot-Coat for his wife, Sharon. Luckyyyyyy.