The Collection (Film Review)

The Collection (Film Review)

Once you’re bored of collecting stamps, coins and football memorabilia you’ll find you’ve only got human beings left. I found myself in this very position the other week and figured I couldn’t possibly be alone, out there somewhere is someone struggling just as much as I am and I just know they’ll have some words of wisdom. Marcus Dunstan and Patrick Melton’s return with their psycho killer The Collector who had a fair bit to show me in the art of collecting homo sapiens. Sure playing hide and go hack in a person’s home is fun, as is sneaking into the club to shake your laffy taffy, put the two together and well you’ve got slasher-porn on the dancefloor.

If The Collector was Saw with a personality, then The Collection is Saw on pro-plus. There’s more of everything, more people, it’s a club after all, only the roof aint on fire, it’s just slowly coming down on your head! I had to brush away a dry tear when female lead; Elena (Emma Fitzpatrick) watched as her BFF got crushed by the hydraulic floor. Like a happy toddler, I was at the edge of my seat gleefully clapping when the blades got to slicing and dicing folks on the dancefloor; punched the air when the strange juju live doll-woman got shut in the spiked wardrobe. There’s a strong possibility that I shouldn’t have been quite so excited at Arkin being the hero that he is, re-breaking his arm to once again save the day.

Having escaped the evil killer once before, it’s no wonder Elena’s money-bags father would look to Arkin for help getting his daughter back. After having his fun at the club, the Collector’s eye has settled on Elena and she’s been boxed up and brought back to his very own home of horrors. Much like the fun that was had when staging the gorefest in the Jigsaw’s home, The collector’s palace is ripe for delivering pain. Jars of body parts line shelves, actual body parts lay strewn across operating tables and if the set dressing isn’t enough then maybe some zombies will.

If you’re going to perform home surgeries and body alterations you’re going to need a whole heap of pharmaceuticals and I guess not all of them played nicely with the Collector’s pets. Whatever he’s injected into his basement buddies before slicing at them, has left them in a state reminiscent of the bio-technicians at Umbrella Corp. The resident evil that stalks and slashes above them however is not interested in T-viruses, he just wants to have fun violating and eviscerating his guests. Underneath his leather face mask I’m sure the Collector (Randall Archer) is rocking a joker’s grin, I know I shouldn’t have been beaming as the body count totted up, nor should I have smiled once I spotted the apparent final fight looming…I did though and I cant say I’m too sorry about it.

I expected the theme tune of Rocky to start playing in the background as what had been an enjoyable love affair with the ludicrous started it’s climb to a killer’s crescendo. They’d made it through all manner of severed limbs, bloodied bowels and now all that was left was a good bitch fight. Sure they’re not women but the best fights are usually between women, so if it’s gonna be a goodun it has to be labelled appropriately, is what Shakespeare told me once. So flames are all around the gaff, doom is surely pending and Arkin with his broken-rebroken-reset arm is up against The collector (dun dun dun).

Battling against a backdrop that would make Professor Gunther von Hagens dribble, the two get to playing StreetFighter while a worse for wear Elena cheerleads team Arkin in the background. For a few moments at the end it looked like the alchemist guild had gotten to work creating wildfire as Elena breaks out the green preserving fluid and of course the icky body parts, to drench the flames holding our broken Arkin hostage. This is not a movie to see if you want depth and meaning, artsy fartsy camera angles and the like, (for that I would recommend Seven Psycopaths), it’s about blood bits and gore, it’s for those that came out of The Hills have Eyes, The Devil’s Rejects and any of the Texas Chainsaw Massacres screaming “I want more”!

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