The Boring Academy Film And Television Awards

Award ceremonies are money spinners. Ask anyone who hosts them (if you do happen to know anyone who hosts them).

Business is a booming in the world of giving each other awards. And why shouldn’t it be? There can be no better feeling than getting invited to a ceremony where you are adjudged to have produced work worthy of an ovation (ideally standing up).

In choosing to set up an award ceremony there would be no fear having to fill seats. I know I’d go. As soon as my filling hit the gold foil hidden under the wrapper and I teared away the packaging, tossing it in the street along with the rest of the litter, and chucking my half eaten drenched-in-saliva chocolate bar at some homeless bum whilst unravelling the ticket that says Harry Jamshidian Nominated For Best Person Ever, I’d be sold. Where’s my tux? Oh. I don’t have a tux…

However, even though I am desperate to go, I’m going to knock the BAFTAS this year. Actually, in light of the occasion, I’m going to give it an award. And the BAFTA for Most Boring Show And Please Can I Have Two Hours Of My Life Back goes to… BAFTA!

At this juncture I’m not going to go on by making a list of everyone in attendance worthy of taking a dig at. Instead I’m going to take a step back, look at the bigger picture, and say that one must take into account the times and the ruthless Me Too campaign in understanding why every star there was sitting in their tuxes and couture dresses, shitting themselves.

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One wrong move, one wrong word, and it’s not only bye-bye acting career, it’s we’re going to troll you till you consider committing suicide.

I did once enjoy award ceremonies. I genuinely got excited about them. Well… about one. The heady days of the 90s Brit Awards. Round table set up (not line seating like an audience made to watch the most boring play imaginable), loads of booze, loads of drugs, and everyone who won an award (or didn’t) went on stage and had a fight. The organiser of that award ceremony deserves an award.

These days, people who receive awards genuinely believe they matter and that the award they’ve been given has made them a loftier person, who must do the right thing and preach equality to all man! -Sorry sorry!- Woman! from their privileged multi million pound position…

Even though Joanna Lumley was fantastically funny, (she really was- take note of her opening sketch on the phone), it all feels with award ceremonies these days, the fun really has gone out of it.

Here’s a list of the winners if you care.
Best Film- Three Billboards Outside Ebbing Missouri
Best Actor- Gary Oldman
Best Actress- Frances McDormand
Best Director- Guillermo del Toro
Best Rising Star- Daniel Kaluuya
Google the rest-