by Elliot Dyson
Say goodbye to that 4th wall because Roman and Big Match John were bloody at it again on last night’s WWE Raw. Also, a few other things happened. Stick with me, kid, for I am Elliot and I, for now, am the man who will tell you all about the things.
Monday Night Raw kicked off with The Biggest Dog Available, Roman Reigns, taking Jason Jordan (you know, Kurt Angle’s son?). Continuing Jordan’s new gimmick of allowing him to take a main event player to their limit, the former American Alpha had a lengthy and enjoyable match with the top guy, eventually succumbing to that most deadly of combinations, the fist-cock-jump-punch and the running body tackle.
Never ones to not flog a dead horse, WWE set up another EARTH-SHATTERING PROMO BATTLE between Roman Reigns and John Cena immediately following the Samoan’s win. I’m kind of already bored of this, but everyone probably needs to know that Cena made reference to Roman failing that drug test last year in a way that suggested the company fully don’t give a shit about drugs test violations if you’re a top guy.
ENOUGH SHIT TO SHAKE A SHIT-STICK AT:
– Brock Lesnar and Braun Strowman had a big ruddy scuffle that saw the Monster Among Men stand tall.
– Bray Wyatt defeated a recently turned-heel Goldust, who had his face paint forcibly removed by The Eater of Worlds in order to send a message to Finn Balor, a man with whom Godust shares a make up kit.
– Asuka is coming soon.
– Elias debuted a new song and vanquished Kalisto.
– Braun Strowman got DQed after, more or less, dominating John Cena in match up that has been somewhat thrown away.
– The team of Seth Rollins, Dean Ambrose & the Hardy Boyz defeated The Bar & The Club in the night’s main event.
– Emma tapped out to Sasha Banks in the night’s only women’s match.
The hot spot of the night simply must be awarded to the Miz TV segment, which saw its titular character and Maryse announce their (possibly kayfabe) pregnancy. During The Miz’s new father acceptance speech, 205 Live’s newest walking t-shirt machine, Enzo Amore, interrupted to shout t-shirt slogans at everyone. I personally found this baffling as speaking about becoming a father isn’t really a heel move and interrupting said speech isn’t really a babyface move. Somebody call Robin Thicke, T.I. and Pharrell because THESE LINES ARE BLURRED.
After the aforementioned shouting, The Miz did some shouting of his own about how everyone hates Enzo because he’s a dick and stuff. This ended in a match/continuous promo battle between the pair, resolving in a DQ win for Amore after he rustled one too many of Miz’s jimmies and The Miztourage got involved af. A Skull-Crushing Finale left Enzo a heap in the middle of the ring, making geordie Cruiserweight Champions everywhere cackle with glee. We should be happy to see a cruiserweight tangoing with a main roster member, as some of the potential prospects opening this door offers are tantalising to say the least. It’s just a shame Enzo Amore had to be the man to open that door.
And that’s all she wrote folks, but before I bid you adieu, an announcement of my very own…
After much consideration, I will be stepping down from my role as the longest reigning Raw recapper in Vulture Hound/SteelChair history to dedicate more continuous time on the work I actually get paid for. My new schedule will allow me to continue to be a part of the SteelChair family in the same way that one uncle you never hear from is a part of the family and when his name is mentioned, Mum always changes the subject to Corrie or the optimum tea steeping time (210 seconds). This change will allow me time to focus on the work I feel pays me the most in my life, which is to say “above zero.”
I will continue my 14-month relationship with SteelChair by occasionally reading articles on the site if my train is delayed, or if I’m partway through a particularly trying poo with no Facebook notifications.
With the help of my paying job, I founded “Elliot’s Mortgage Contribution” bank account – – which has been recognised as “a wise move” by my long-suffering flatmate/long-term partner.
I’m proud to say that, in addition to being the highest rated writer on this website, I inspired Bradley Tiernan’s current Smackdown Review format (in which lesser events on the show are summarised in a time-saving sentence or two), for which I will still not be receiving royalty payments. SteelChair has been my tag-team partner in all of my dumb exploits and this new deal with the company ensures that any and all content I create in the future will receive free, full-page advertisements in all printed publications (which is a legally binding agreement as confirmed with the website’s posting of this article).
Lastly, any implication that I’m being pushed out following my several harassment (sexual and not) accusations from other writers is unfounded and completely bogus.
Also lastly, Brad can suck my dick.