by Elliot Dyson
Ugh, time to do the bare minimum. I’m Elliot and I watch Raw so you don’t have to.
Kurt Angle hyped some of the card for the night before Brock Lesnar and Paul Heyman made their way to the ring. The advocate pointed out that the odds of Lesnar retaining at Summerslam are heavily stacked against him and upped the ante in a real clickbaity way. Heyman said that if Lesnar loses the title, he’s done with the WWE, which, with all the Jon Jones/UFC headlines will only spark Internet chatter more. Conspiracy theorists like Bo Dallas will harp on about how Lesnar will definitely lose because of UFC and yadayadayada more tickets and network subscriptions sold. WHAT A CYNICAL START TO THE NIGHT, EH?
Okay, so it seems like the never-ending Ambrose/Miz feud is just over now? Jason Jordan was the guest on Miz TV and he debuted his new, much worse, theme music. He staunchly defended Kurt Angle, the father that was never there for him. I personally can’t wait to see the 1.5* match these two will have.
– Kurt Angle can’t speak, can he? Like, he can barely say his catchphrase.
– The Hardy Boyz defeated Gallows & Anderson and came out on top of The Revival in the obligatory post-match beatdown.
– All the cruiserweights did a match.
– Sheamus lost to Seth Rollins and was defended from the obligatory post-match beatdown by Dean Ambrose, though the tag champs ended up on top anyway.
– I love it when Bray Wyatt enters and Michael Cole uses his solemn voice like the pro-broadcaster he is.
– Like with every Bray Wyatt feud, his opponent (Finn Balor this time) appeared in a somewhat magical way in the middle of a rambling promo to deliver a knuckle sammich.
– Roman won a triple threat against Braun Strowman and Samoa Joe, pinning the latter after a spear.
– Elias (nee Samson), apparently done with his Balor feud, dispatched of Kalisto with his swinging neckbreaker finisher that is now apparently known as the “Drift Away,” in a gross nod to the Full Sail crowd.
– Bayley defeated Nia Jax by count out.
The night’s main event was one of those dream matches that could sell out arenas anywhere in the world. Big Show Vs. Big Cass. Oh man – I heard rabid passersby were scaling the building for the chance of a mere glimpse at this spectacle. Big Vs. Big. Knockout Punch Vs. Empire Elbow .Old Vs. Boring. Luckily, we’re fans of a great company with its collective finger on the pulse of our desires, so they even gave us the ending we were all crying out for… That’s right, it ended in a DQ after Enzo Amore got involved. Squirt emoji, right? Because now these titans are definitely gonna have another match with a decisive ending. Uhhhhhhhhhhh get outta my dang dreams, WWE!
I don’t need to add any more to the already overflowing well of love for this match, but just for the record, it was undoubtedly a 7 star match, and although it reeked of fan service, when a match is this good, how can you complain? Oh, and Big Cass has another new shit theme.