by Elliot Dyson
Yes, I’ll talk about the god dang Cena bit, cool your freakin’ jets. Okay!? Listen, just shut up and let me get to it. I’m Elliot and I watch Raw so you don’t have to.
You’d be forgiven for having high hopes when you see an image of The Miz and his titular “tourage” standing in the middle of the ring to kick of Monday Night Raw. Luckily for you, however, what was sure to be a wonderful episode was dramatically undercut (like every wrestler’s hair) with the news that Jerry Lawler would be filling in for Booker T on commentary for the show, as Raw was in Memphis and Booker lives in the hurricane place.
Thankfully, the real show began as The Miz began to discuss respect, before immediately being disrespected by Kurt Angle, who interrupted proceedings to announce an IC title #1 contender’s battle royal. Big Show, Hardy Boyz and Finn Balor (not to mention the Miztourage themselves) were represented before the show went to the break.
Things get hazy now, but I assure you that a whole lot of multi-man kerfuffling happened. After a cheeky Bullet Club nod with Gallows & Anderson, Balor was eliminated by a spooky pop-in from Bray Wyatt. A little later, as Jason Jordan was looking like a sure thing, he was tossed over the top rope by Jeff Hardy, who was left the last man standing and will challenge for the IC title next week. Realistically, this will probably just be a throwaway match allowing for Jason Jordan to pick up even the smallest amount of fan sympathy or momentum before No Mercy.
LESSER NEWS FROM A SHOW THAT’S NEVER SHORT ON SHIT:
– Enzo Amore defeated Noam Dar.
– Paul Heyman shouted about Braun Strowman for a bit, then Brock Lesnar said “Suplex City, bitch.”
– Cesaro rolled up Seth Rollins for the win.
– Dean Ambrose pinned Sheamus after some interference from Rollins.
– Emma debuted shit new music but defeated Mickie James.
– Elias smashed up Impressive Pelvis Wesley (Heath Slater’s character from Southpaw).
I suppose I should talk about that John Cena/Roman Reigns segment that has lit the world on fire like so many teenage anarchists always wanted to do. BASICALLY, Cena now only has meta feuds to win over the smarks who have hated him for so long, like his one with The Miz at ‘Mania. Due to an apparent injury to Samoa Joe, Cena is now embarking on a feud with Roman Reigns, which really should be reserved for the grandest stage of them all. There were a lot of choice lines about burying talent and meta shit, but the coolest bit was when Roman did a swear. It was rad and cool and I will now buy all his t-shirts.
As things were starting to heat up and tables were being discarded like yesterday’s Emma gimmick, Gallows & Anderson interrupted things for no discernable reason other than that they have no direction. Kurt Angle booked them into a match with the squabbling top guys as if it was a punishment, despite being exactly what they asked for. To cut a long story short, Cena and Reigns, 2 guys who don’t like each other, defeated Gallows & Anderson, a real tag team with a certain degree of prestige that is disappearing like so many gimmicks of Emma.
I mean this in an entirely positive way, but I long for the day that women can headline Raw and it not be considered a big deal. That would be cool for equality’s sake. Anyway, the story leading up to this rematch for the Raw Women’s Championship was that Sasha Banks has never successfully defended said title, despite being a 4-time champion and you’ve gotta assume that being rectified is where this feud is going, right? Well, last night, Alexa Bliss DDTed Sasha Banks into the “former champion” category after a pretty hard-hitting match and a particularly crafty evasion of the Banks Statement. After the match, Alexa celebrated with her rarely-mentioned best pal, Nia Jax, who Stinger-splashed Banks and lifted Bliss aloft in triumph. As the show seemed to be at a close, Nia made a statement of her own with an electric chair drop to the new champion, leaving yet another cousin of the Rock standing tall as the episode faded to black.