by Elliot Dyson
Oh man, the biggest party of the summer is just around the corner! You spend all year looking forward to this ruddy massive party, but it somehow sneaks up on you anyway. Stock the fridge, lads. Get in some of those crisp packets that turn into a “bowl” and a plethora of dips. It’s party time! And a couple of days after Tony’s annual big party, WWE Summerslam will be on for about 63 hours.
I’m Elliot and I watch Raw so you don’t have to.
In a storyline that is tailor-made for Tumblr scumbags, Seth Rollins and Dean Ambrose did a “will they won’t they” thing that ended in the pair scrapping, but not in the brutal way it was supposed to look – more like in rom coms when a couple play fights then ends up fuckin’ moments later. Maybe I’ve been on Tumblr too much…
Anyway, Cesaro and Sheamus arrived to pick the bones but ended up driving the former Shield mates together. Immediately after the much awaited fist bump, Kurt Angle appeared to schedule a tag title match between the teams at Summerslam.
HERE’S A STEAMING HANDFUL OF SHIT:
– Sasha Banks defeated Nia Jax to become the #1 contender at Summerslam while Alexa Bliss watched from a big ass throne on the entrance ramp.
– Elias straight murderballed R Truth for interrupting his song.
– Big Cass spoke for a much longer time than he’s usually allowed. Enzo and Big Show arrived for a big ol’ fight. Gallows & Anderson were also involved for some reason, allowing Cass to get the upper hand and setting up an injury angle for his opponent at Summerslam.
– Mickie James beat Emma in a result that seemed to say “shut up, Emma, we’re not going to push you.”
– A DQ and kerfuffle evolved into a 6-man tag between the Miztourage and Jason Jordan & The Hardy Boyz. Jeff won with a Swanton Bomb over Bo Dallas.
– The Fatal Four Way gang had a go-home show stare-off/scuffle. It ended with ONE MILLION people trying to keep Strowman and Lesnar apart.
In the first of 2 stories revolving around Angle prematurely busting his nut, the Cruiserweight Championship bout between Akira Tozawa and Neville got bumped from (presumably the pre-show of) Summerslam in favour of a midcard spot on the go-home Raw.
After an expectedly great match, Akira Tozawa surprisingly came away with the clean win over Neville, dethroning the king and becoming the new Cruiserweight Champion. Thus begins the rise of Titus Worldwide, the most unstoppable faction in WWE history…
During a backstage segment, Angle was informed of an issue with Bray Wyatt and Finn Balor, which turned out to be the pair failing to contain their loads and going hell for leather on each other backstage. I can’t figure out why the messenger was so vague about it – just say “2 guys are beating the shit out of each other, Kurt.” Anyway, Angle’s load was also prematurely spaffed up the wall as he moved the couple’s Summerslam bout to last night.
In a surprising result, Bray Wyatt cleanly defeated Finn Balor. After the match, he got spooky and covered Balor in a bucket of “blood”, Carrie-style. As the Internet was likely losing it’s mind at some major 50/50 booking, WWE announced that the pair would have a rematch at Summerslam, already promoting that Balor would be dusting off his demon paint (I feel like that should have been a surprise?)