by Elliot Dyson
You know that feeling of overwhelming happiness one gets when they realize they didn’t just waste 3 hours of their life? I just felt it because – and stick with me on this – last night’s WWE Raw was actually really fun! Without my trademark cynicism, I don’t have much to offer this article, but luckily it wasn’t all gold as we got a nice, long Big Cass/Show/Enzo segment for me to hate. Also, I’m Elliot and I watch Raw so you don’t have to. I also don’t pay bots for retweets…
It’s no secret that I’m a fan of The Miz – I think most smarks are – but last night, boy was he great. Miz TV kicked off the show, expecting a gold-blooded guest in the form of Jason Jordan, but they got Kurt Angle (to be fair, it’s easy to confuse the two as they look so alike).
Kurt Angle denied The Miz’s guest request (reguest?) and instead offered an appearance that exceeded expectations – Paul Heyman and Brock Lesnar. Now, I didn’t realise I programme between Heyman and Miz was a dream of mine until last night, but gosh darn, it’s worth a watch. It was clearly going to be special when The Miz informed Heyman of the show’s golden rule (when his hand goes up, your mouth goes shut, obviously) and the advocate was clearly taken aback by the host’s hubris.
The Miz went on a tirade against Lesnar, pointing out the statistical improbability that he would retain at Summerslam, spouting off like a big man but all the while hiding behind The Miztourage (so much so that even the cameras had trouble capturing him).
Obviously the sequence ended with an expected shit-tonne of finisher spamming, though one thing shone though… Nobody takes a german suplex like Bo Dallas.
After a pretty good bout, Sheamus rolled up Seth Rollins following a Cesaro distraction for the win. Rollins then picked a post-match fight with the champs and list in tremendous fashion.
Later in the show, Dean Ambrose defeated Cesaro in similar fashion after another enjoyable fight. During the obligatory post-match beatdown, Seth Rollins came to Ambrose’s rescue, though when that wacky so and so offered a Sheild-style fist bump (popping 20,000 smarky boners in the process), Rollins left him hanging.
SHIT IT DOOOOOWWWWWN:
– Jokes aside, Seth’s “Burn it Down” thing sounds pretty good in the arena.
– Booker T: “The hardest part of the apron, Cole.” Next he’ll be telling us that the WWE Network is free after a one-month payment of $9.99
– The crowd were super against Jason Jordan, somewhat aided by the fact that he squashed a hometown lad.
– Finn Balor literally said he’s afraid of Bray Wyatt because he doesn’t care about wins and losses. They’re just straight up saying it now.
– Goldust did one of his director’s chair promos in which he declared he’d be watching Summerslam. I would expect as much from a WWE employee, really.
– Gallows & Anderson defeated the team of Big Show and Enzo Amore, followed by an obligatory post-match beatdown from Big Cass, though the tables were turned when he ate a Knockout Punch from Enzo’s new daddy (which he sold like a pro).
– Big Show Vs. Big Cass at Summerslam will feature Enzo in a shark cage. I… I don’t know why. Like, Cass requested Enzo not even be allowed in New York State, to which Kurt Angle said “How about suspended in a shark cage above the ring?” and Cass was like “Yeah that’s great, despite being the exact opposite of what I asked for.” Wrestling is stupid.
Thanks to a shoulder injury, Bayley is out of Summerslam, so we had a couple of triple threats to crown a new #1 contender. First, Sasha Banks, Emma and Alicia Fox squared off in what was a surprisingly good match. Emma was depicted as a badass throughout with some gnarly spots, but eventually tapped to the Banks Statement.
In a much less interesting match, Nia Jax beat Dana Brooke and Mickie James, pinning the former. The winners will face off next week.
Last night’s final segment saw yet another match between Braun Strowman and Roman Reigns (who’s mash-up tag team would be called “Breigns”… yep, can’t think of anything better than that). The pair faced off in a last man standing match, which I forgot consisted of a particularly irritating charade in which the ref is almost constantly counting to 10.
After a slow build, things got interesting when Strowman hurled a gosh dang office chair at the Big Dog™, which Michael Cole oversold somewhat. After a barrage of Superman Punches and a Spear, it seemed that all was lost for Strowman, before Samoa Joe appeared from the crowd and locked Roman in the Coquina Clutch, putting The Yard Man™ to sleep, allowing Strowman to spring up and claim the victory.