by Elliot Dyson
I hate having time to do things, like socialise, sexualise and seancise (talking to the dead is a waste of energy), so luckily for me, there are 1 million hours of new WWE programming every week designed purely to engulf my life. You? Do whatever the hell you want because I watch Raw so you don’t have to.
Monday Night Raw kicked off with disgraced general manager, Kurt Angle, reminding us of his illegitimate son storyline, because we’re always forgetting about ludicrous bombshells. Braun Strowman silenced the Olympian with some growling, before himself being silenced by the angry growling of Samoa Joe. Guess what? Roman Reigns was there too! Oh what a big fun happy time it was. Anyway, Angle made the Universal Title 4-way for Summerslam official and Strowman stood tall at the end of the segment. I’d just like to take this time to congratulate the WWE writers for managing to use this promo format for 1000 consecutive shows. Well done, gang!
WHO GIVES A SHIT ABOUT THIS STUFF:
– Elias Samson beat Finn Balor in a No DQ match after the spooky interference of Bray Wyatt.
– Big Cass made short work of Enzo Amore and similarly short work of Big Show in the obligatory post-match beatdown.
– Emma was squashed by Nia Jax in more than one way.
– Tozawa had a scuffle with both Neville and Ariya Daivari in which, surprisingly, the latter stood tall.
– Jason Jordan beat Curt Hawkins, debuting a new finisher in the process.
– Anderson & Gallows lost to The Revival after an interruption from The Hardy Boyz. The elder statesmen stood tall at the end of the obligatory post-match beatdown.
– Still nothing for Sheamus and Cesaro to do.
– Bayley defeated Sasha Banks to become Alexa Bliss’ challenger at Summerslam.
I suppose the night’s main event should headline this article, though honour is really about as special as headlining the open mic poetry slam at my local boozer. On what was somewhat of a shitshow, Dean Ambrose and Seth Rollins teamed up in the main event to take on The Miz and his eponymous “tourage” in a handicap match. All the tricks up Mike, Maryse, Curtis and Bo’s lack of sleeves weren’t enough to put away the former Shield brothers, leading to a Dirty Deeds on the champ and an Ambrose-led victory. Following the match, wacky Dean left Seth hanging during the formerly-customary Hounds of Justice fist bump.
It isn’t my fault that this episode of Raw barely warranted reading about, let alone watching, though I feel I should give you a little something of a nugget by way of an apology for a boring article. In the spirit of recent WWE events, let’s play SUPERSTAR RELATIONS!
Did you know… Smackdown superstar Jimmy Uso and Smackdown superstar Jey Uso are actually identical twins!??!?!