by Elliot Dyson
Did you lose 3 hours this weekend to watching a thoroughly underwhelming pay-per-view? Well, save yourself the hassle of sitting in front of a TV for 3 more hours and let me regale you with a tale… I’m Elliot and I watch Monday Night Raw so you don’t have to.
Big Cass kicked off the show with some classic post-PPV gloating, declaring that he will be Universal Champion at some point. He was (surprise) interrupted by The Big Show, who gave him a bit of a roughhousin’, forcing Cass to retreat from his first fight as a heel.
The Hardy Boyz wandered to the ring to pop the crowd with Broken Universe references before Gallows & Anderson challenged them to a fight.
Surprisingly, The Club actually won! As the Hardys were reeling, The Revival returned to Raw to make a statement, delivering a Shatter Machine to Jeff. Thus begins the Hardys transition (maybe – I have no insider info whatsoever).
SHIT THAT AIN’T WORTH MY G.D. TIME:
– Finn Balor beat Elias Samson and that’s that.
– The Miz hosted an award show in which he and his crew won all the awards. Dean Ambrose and Seth Rollins spoiled the fun.
– Sasha Banks and Bayley defeated Alexa Bliss and Nia Jax, with the hugger rolling up the champ for a cheeky win.
– Goldust and R-Truth put an end(?) to their long-building feud with the former gaining a clean win.
– This Angle/Graves secret text message storyline will apparently culminate next week.
– Akira Tozawa pinned Neville in a tag team match with Cedric Alexander and Noam Dar, respectively.
– Noam Dar and Cedric Alexander are scheduled for an “I Quit” match on 205 Live – with Dar already scheduled for a date with ICW, one would think they’re about to work an angle where he goes away for a while.
– Bray Wyatt defeated Seth Rollins again, then disappeared in a magic poof. The Miztourage turned up to attack Rollins only to be fended off by wacky Dean Ambrose and his best friend, the chair.
The night’s main-talky-bit saw Kurt Angle introduce Brock Lesnar to offer his congratulations on retaining the Universal Championship at “Big Dumb PPV Name”. Lesnar and his advocate absconded when the conversation turned to his future opponents, only to be ushered back into the ring by Roman Reigns.
Angle did an angry Dad impression at Roman, who declared his solved a problem nobody else could through just a simple attempted murder on Braun Strowman and was therefore, entitled to a shot at Brock. Lesnar, broke his in-ring silence to inform Roman that “don’t deserve shit, man.”
The bickering couple was silenced by the arrival of Samoa Joe, who obviously wanted another shot at the Universal Championship. After some debate, Kurt Angle decided that Roman and Samoa Joe would square off once more next week to determine Lesnar’s #1 contender for SummerSlam.
My good friend, Dave Malteaser, says that this is all a swerve and the main event of SummerSlam will be Goldust Vs. R-Truth for the red strap, so expect to see Brock drop the title to Dustin or Ron on a house show.